I'm Off The Reservation Tonigh

[Barberian]

I'm drunk off my ass. I am so tired of this shit. I keep looking at a knife by by table thinking the worst. I know I won't do it, but why... why the almost overwhelming desire to end it?

I have been doing ok for a while, but a recent incident has pushed me too far.

I have been thinking of going to the local VA hospital, but I don't want to deal with the BS. I've been drinking a lot fo;r; me tonight, which Iknow makes it worse. But I need a release, a pressure release lieke a pressure cooker weight letting out the steam. Last tiem I went to ;te VA, they committed me. Lost my gun rights for 5 yeasrs in this wonderful state.

My recent Incident with McDonald's I posted about in the sister site really dug up some trigggers... I've been a mess for the last week. I gave in to alcohol tonight. I just can't standit any more. The pain, is o;;vvvvvverwehlming.

I may still commit myself, but.. will probaly just pass out. My wife doesn't even know I'm drunk. Hasn't even checked. Doesn't even care. The ONLY reason I'm still alive is if I think earth is hell, I don't want to find out what the real hell is like.

I hurt every day knowing I wasn't on the front lines with most of you all. I did everything I could to make sure our jets were ready and able to provide air support for ya'all. I really did. It eats me alive every day know ing that others I served with didn't feel the urgency I did. It eatls me alive knowing that others who are still serving in the navy don't feel the urgency in their every day jobs to save teh Marines and Solders on the beach every day.

I want this to end so bad... I can't stand the pain every day. I wasn't ther on the beach, but my heart and soul was. I'm so sorry for those who lost body parts, peices of thier minds and souls, and lives because the air support wasn't there.

Pls forgive me, I tried my best..., I really did.

 

[Spock]

Folks here luv you for the battle brother you are Big Bar...you can be proud of your service, we are. Look forward to chatting with you more soon. You might wanna go chat with your wife and see what she thinks about talking to the VA about some treatment to get through this.

Or at least give the Vet's Crisis Line a call: 800.273.8255.

Take care, stay safe...

 

[Ned]

Mate, you've got feelings. Guilt for not being Superman gets us all. Anyway, if we were all on the front line we'd be f*#ked, support is pretty essential, just can't be everywhere.
Hang tough and I hope the head doesn't hurt too much. Ned.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Bar

Do what you need to to get through. We're here for ya'. Pm me if you feel like talking in private.

Jar

 

[Zipperhead]

It's a new day Barb. Make the most of it.

 

[Sarg]

Hang tough, Barb. We've got your back.

Sarg

 

[Barberian]

Rough night. Thanx for the support. I'm still here, hung over and not feeling too well. Not nearly as bad off today as I thought I would be. I'm a lightweight when it comes to alcohol. I don't drink too often, regardless of how bad I want to. I drank most of a 750ml bottle of vodka. Of all the hard spirits, vodka is the only one I can think of that I can get stupid smashed and not face a full hangover like other spirits and beers. Don't know why.

 

[Chin Strapped]

For what its worth,

Air support = so much to any squaddie on the ground. That includes the entire process of maintenance etc... Your passion clearly indicates you gave a massive shit, grabbed the bull by the horns and you helped deliver the product that was required. Clearly it was not easy and there was a price to be paid.

I'm grateful.

Hope the hangover effects have passed mate...

 

[steviebeegee]

PTSD
I'm not in charge of my own emotions,
my minds consumed by terrible notions.
Love and laughter, hurt and pain,
each of these drives me insane.
I've talked to doctor after doctor
Taken Pill after pill,
yet none of this makes my mind tranquil.
Each and every breath I take,
I pray for this curse to break.
My torment came from my own volition,
leaving me in this terrible condition.
I could of simply said I won't go.
I could of told the recruiter Hell NO!
But I swore an oath and took the test,
and won the uniform of the best.
I worked so hard to serve my country,
and all I'm left with is agony.
Some escape war without a scratch or scar,
but as for me my mind was stretched to far.
Now I'm labeled as one of them,
a causality of war that's trapped within.
Friends are now so hard to find,
as people believe I've lost my mind.
There are many sounds I hear,
that triggers things I've learned to fear.
My dreams are filled with where I've been,
from this nightmare world I now live in.

some to think about in times of weakness

stevie

 

[GRT]

Just trying to help my friend. I've been there/done that!

It's true that if you present yourself to the emergency room as threat to yourself, then yes...they will put you in lock-down. But it's only for your safety. And it's no an easy thing to do. But it will at least keep you from doing the deed. I know going is not what you want to do. If not....at least get to a Veteran's Outreach Center?

Also.....I'm sure you already know that PTSD and alcohol does not make a great cocktail. I've been there / done that!

 

[steviebeegee]

GRT im back on the anti abuse for the alcohol after another long binge let the meds work sometimes when im really stressed i have a drink as the body is hurting so much, i was ok sitting indoors but im sure if i was out and was provoked we a few jars it wouldnt be a great cocktail, it would be a molotov cocktail.