I'm Only Here Because I Don't Have Ammunition.

[Etahu]

I would love to shoot my favorite rifle, my Type 99 Arisaka. It's a beautiful rifle and it's fun to shoot. Ammunition is rare and expensive though, and I don't have any. I'm genuinely afraid to buy some too because over the last 6 months, for the first time in my life, I've thought seriously about shooting myself. I've got other weapons, and ammunition for them, but I like my Arisaka and I think about shooting myself with it and only it.

I've got so many regrets and I feel pretty pointless since I got out of the infantry a few years ago. I've got no goals or meaning to life. I don't believe in god. I don't like people and their ideals. I don't talk to anyone. I don't even make eye-contact with most people. I have no social life to speak of. I've got no life and I miss the Army and sometimes the war.

It's gotten me pretty messed up over the last few years.

I'm already dealing with the VA too. I'm not sure what good they can do if I have nothing to believe in and no friends, goals, or motivations. I just don't really like this planet anymore. Things like religion, politics, nationalism, the economy, and lots of other things in society just strike me as absurd now. Everyone is caught up in all this make-believe bullshit, so many that it actually controls the world. How about that? Things that aren't even real control the world. I just really don't want to live here anymore. I feel like my greatest purpose in life would only be to fight that overwhelming idiocy that has such a grip on our world- but I can't. I'd just start burning mosques, churches, banks, and capitol buildings to the ground. It's not something that most people would accept, so perhaps I should just leave instead.

The only other thing that keeps me going is what it would do to my parents and my poor girlfriend if I left. I cause her so much pain sometimes, just dealing with me. And I hardly ever speak to my parents anymore. I just don't know what to say.

 

[Akuv]

Jimmy here, as you wish to remain anonymous to the rest of the forum, message me.

 

[Efano]

My Brother,

As I've mentioned in previous threads, reaching the bottom is not the end, IT'S THE BEGINNING. This is not a pep talk. We're all way past that crap. It's my way of telling you that your life is still worth while.

But, ya gotta take that step, that little tiny baby step that makes no sense to you now. Will you feel better when you take it? NO. Will it solve your problems? NO.

Will it get you moving? YES. And, ya can't stay where you are right now. The first step leads to another, and then another, and the combination of steps is what gets you to a better place.

You can do this. I know because I've been exactly where you are right now. Make your first step that message to Jimmy. He's been there too. Hell, message all of us if you like. BUT, TAKE THE STEP.

SD

 

[Kibag]

Easy my brother, it not as dark as it seems. The mere fact that you are here indicates you still feel that there is help out there some where. You have take a deep breath think of what the next thing that needs your attention - that will simply be your peace of mind.

The only other thing that keeps me going is what it would do to my parents and my poor girlfriend if I left. I cause her so much pain sometimes, just dealing with me.

Keep that in mind PLEASE! Trust me, at some point we we're all where you are today and got through it. YOUR NOT ALONE!

Hang in there! We have your back!

Ba

 

[Oka]

Coming out and saying it is one huge f*cking step, and shows you are still looking for that helping hand. The thought of what those we leave behind would do or feel is the major reason for not going the route of Suicide.

I wish I had had the balls to come out and say it and ask for help when I needed it. Instead I kept quiet and forced those who love me to find me hanging from a tree.

Somedays, I still wish it was all over and done with, and others I do enjoy life.

We have to find that balance, and think about what would happen to those we leave behind. I know my Son and my Wife need me, even with my problems and the beast in tow. I am still the one who holds the family together, I am the one who is the bastard dad when my nipper balls something up and needs a bollocking. I take up the slack and keep the crap of them both by just getting in the way of anything or anybody who would do them harm.

I owe them that much, for having put up with me and my crap for so long.

If you need a chat, timezones aside PM me and we can swap landline numbers.

Anglesachse

 

[Egu]

Believe it or not many here have thoughts like you. It doesn't make it easier, but sometimes it can help knowing it's not just you. Life just ain't easy, not for anyone. You just have to take that one more step. Keep doing just that.

 

[Ada]

I use the same method for alcohol. Hard to drown in it when I rarely have any in the house.