Sufferer I'm raph, survived childhood trauma, retraumatized at hospital

[Raph]

i don't really know how to do this or why i'm here.

as a kid, my biological mother wanted me dead. my grandfather tried to kill me. my uncle 12 years older molested me. i was raped by a family "friend" at 14. i was molested throughout school. i was raped by a teacher. yada yada

i did ok until a week ago, when my boss got wind of my depression and threatened to call the cops if i didn't go to the emergency room. they had me held (i guess this is called a 96? i've never had it done before) in a horrible place where they stripped me of my clothing, color coded me in red scrubs (at the hospital i work at where we all know the reds are the crazies), had me marched down the main hallway where i saw at least 5 co workers. i was left in a dark room with no food, no water, no family allowed from 10-6 pm. when my husband finally was allowed to see me, the "doctor" rolled her eyes and smirked when he said i didn't need to be there.i was drug away to a ward with people actually from prison, left in a corner with only a pair of jeans, a shirt, and a sweater. i was given a hard cot. they forced me to take a bunch of pills i didn't want. they said if i didn't do what they said 100% of the time that i'd have to stay longer. i had to ask for water, for food. if you didn't eat or drink all of what was given to you, you were in violation. if you cursed, told jokes, laughed too loud, yelled too loud then you were put in a room by yourself with nothing but a chair for however long it took for them to remember you (usually shift change from what i could tell). i'm afraid of needles. they held me down to take my blood and the only reason they didn't get it was the phlebotomist who couldn't make herself hurt me. my boss graciously gave me 2 weeks to "get myself together" after this. i can't sleep. i go into states where i don't answer people or feel anything, don't have memory of it. the pills they said would make me better just make me vomit and i feel the same as i did in there and worse than i've ever felt. they let the convicts see me naked in the shower. one crept up on me and said "mommy, i'm going to work those curves hard" with a sneer on his face.

i'm afraid of all mental "heath" now. someone help me. please.

 

[New]

@Raph

I’m so sorry. That was the wrong place for you and you did NOT deserve that.

You have already been through so much and now this. My heart goes out to you.

You have come to the right place. You will find a lot of support here.

Do you have a Therapist?

 

[Raph]

i've had therapists here and there over the past several years when someone has noticed that i was "suicidal" in their opinion. i want to die every day, but i'm too much of a chicken to do it. i'm starting a new woman on thursday that did my marriage counseling. i begged her to take me on because she's not sure she can help a person with so much trauma. i don't know how i'm going to pass their 'inspection' jan 2 to go to work even though i am really good at my job and when i'm there i don't feel like this. i can focus on the people i'm helping. at home i just stare.

 

[New]

@Raph I can so relate to staring at the walls.

I went through something similar with my boss about 2 years ago. I went back to work twice over the 2 years only to be sent home a few weeks later. (Not saying that will happen to you.. just that I relate)

I also remember wanting to die. I think it is your brain telling you to slow down and start to try and process some of your trauma. This will take time and I would definitely recommend a T trained in trauma therapy.

Do you have a number for a crisis center to call? I definitely recommend calling them. They are so amazing and can talk to you now. They are great listeners and will relate to you.

Also just want to be sure you know none of this is your fault. All blame, shame, and guilt is with those who hurt you.

 

[ladee]

Welcome, I'm so sorry for what brought you here, but am very glad you found us. That treatment was barbaric !!! But somehow you made it thru, which speaks volumes about your spirit and commitment to finding help... hopefully the woman you start seeing can at least be a safe place for you until she can help you find a trauma T....

You are in the right place for support and encouragement.Link Removed

 

[Raph]

she recommended a trauma therapist. i just know that tara won't hurt me or ship me off to that hell i was in again. my fear is that another one would. i won't even go get antibiotics for this sinus infection because i'm terrified of anyone with any sort of power over me. it's like... you think you have freedom, but it's an illusion. i went from normal day at work to hell in less than 2 hours. i don't have any crisis numbers. won't they just send police to take me away anyway? i am SOSOSO scared.

 

[Ms Priss]

I too have had barbaric treatment at the hands of the mental health system on more than one occasion. It has left a lot of scars and recently went back to that system because I do need help and do not know where to turn other then that. It really does scare me, but I am more knowledgeable now so will not be at their mercy...this time I get a say which they do not much care for, but I am stronger now and can set some boundaries. I know many people have had good experiences there and I am glad for them. I know as many who have not been so lucky. I know people in the criminal system who were treated better than I was...sorry if I sound a little bitter. All I can say is to be a little picky about therapists and such...if you can because sometimes insurance does not allow that.

I wish you the best of luck and do understand.

I read here a lot...do not post too much...you will learn a lot. I sometimes have to back away a bit because I do find some of the stuff to be triggering but other than that for me it is a very safe place and I am grateful for it.

 

[New]

You don’t have to call the crisis line now. Just have it in case you need immediate help.

Hopefully others will chime in about experiences with crisis center. I haven’t personally called in to it so I can’t give many details. You should be able to call anonymously.

You can go to this site https://www.rainn.org/

Is your husband with you? Have you been able to discuss it with him?

Sending hugs if you accept.

 

[whiteraven]

she recommended a trauma therapist. i just know that tara won't hurt me or ship me off to that hell i was...

Welcome! I can really relate to the fear and distrust you talk about here. I've not had the same experience as you, but I know of a place that treats (or at least did treat) patients like this. One of my deepest fears when I first entered the workplace was that someone would find out how depressed I was there (yes, I worked there for awhile, but I tried desperately to change the way things were done) and I'd end up in the place where I worked.

I did end up in a very vulnerable position there, after a first seizure, where I woke up in one of the beds. It was terrifying.

You are, in some ways, right about the lack of freedom. At least in terms of authority in our lives. Some of that is necessary, for our safety, some not. I have had a deep distrust of any health workers or institutions and stay away at all costs for this very reason. BUT...I am learning that I can take back my power (and subsequently, find a whole new freedom) in ANY situation, including in health care. It requires a lot of work on my part - being prepared for appointments with questions, understanding my needs and wants, etc... - and I've only been able to get some of that back through a lot of therapy and practice.

I wish you well, @Raph. So glad you found us. This is a very supportive place.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum! :hug: