Im Really Trying

[Tufag]

My survivor, I thought, was coming back to his more stable self but he's hiding things again. Expects me to trust him after he decimated what little I had left. We've been working on things counselling has been going well. Or so I thought. His coping mechanism is lying pathologically and inventing these stories that I really think he believes at times. They're always ones that make him out to be this amazing person while making me out to be something I am not. I've been strong I've taken my punches, figuratively, and I know it's a process of working through his his cptsd. I just don't think I'm strong enough to keep taking the hits and doing damage control. Feel guilty because I know I'm stronger than how I'm feeling. But it takes a toll after a while. I guess I just wanted to rant for a minute but others thoughts and similar experiences are welcome.

 

[Ise]

Hmm, I was married to a pathological liar. He is pretty narcissistic. He made up a whole new life for himself after we split up. He is now a veteran, he was very involved with parenting, he worked the entire time we were married. No, not so much. He is 53, and plays in a couple of bands that aren't working so he has no money. He gets girlfriends because he is in a band, and they can't believe their luck at finding such a wonderful man! They all make good money. He posts his lies on facebook. We first met in 2003, and he still hasn't changed. He owes 23,000 in child support and was supposed to work it off, but he only works about 2 hours a month.

The interesting part of it is that I have cpstd, not him. This is his personality. He faked it long enough to get married to me, then his true self came out. I don't think you should have to put up with that. No matter the illness, if it is dragging you down and making you feel bad, maybe you should spend more time on what you want, and do what you like to do. You deserve it!

 

[Efu]

His coping mechanism is lying pathologically and inventing these stories that I really think he believes at times. They're always ones that make him out to be this amazing person while making me out to be something I am not.

Pathological lying is one heck of a way push someone away from the real and authentic him...I would find this to be a huge dealbreaker for me. I dated a guy like this once, and would lie, lie, lie to push me away from the real him. He simply couldn't handle vulnerability.

I just don't think I'm strong enough to keep taking the hits and doing damage control. Feel guilty because I know I'm stronger than how I'm feeling. But it takes a toll after a while. I guess I just wanted to rant for a minute but others thoughts and similar experiences are welcome.

Understanding why he lies doesn't mean you have to stay in this, and keep taking the figurative hits. It may actually not help him anyhow. Maybe the "strong" option would be to walk away and let him face a natural consequence from being so dishonest.

His falling back into this pattern of pushing you away through dishonesty, especially if this happens when other things are going well and you are growing closer again, may a sign that he isn't ready/able/willing to be in an authentic close relationship with someone.

 

[Cawa]

For my sufferer, it almost seems like lying is a self-preservation trait and a way to deal with shame. He lies when confronted, I think, to make the questions stop. Or, he'll turn it around and start attacking me instead.

The lying to cover shame - he makes himself out to be...I guess just different...than he is. Not necessarily better, but just as a way to keep his true self protected. I've learned to take a good portion of what he says about some of his past with a huge grain of salt. Once we got to know each other, and he realized I wasn't impressed by what was clearly not true, he pretty much stopped. Though there are things I can tell he isn't telling the truth, and just gets nasty when called on it, so if it's not important, I let it slide.

 

[Otemi]

But if someone lies a lot, how do you know which is the truth and which isn't? I don't know if you can tell. I can't have a relationship with people who lie a lot, since I can't trust them to tell the truth. I don't know who my ex really is, but I know who he's not.