I'm Shaking, Big Triggers Today

[greenunflower]

I have some weird triggers. Let me remind you my trauma was having hyperemesis where I threw up or drive heaved 30-40 times a day during my pregnancy. Had sepsis twice, had 6 central lines placed, didnt eat for months, had IV nutrtion, almost died, like on the brink numerous times, not to mention the toture of constant dehydtration and malnutrition.

Today is all about food. The day I got pregnant I weighed 245lbs. I lost 20lbs being pregnant, even though I was on IV nutrition. I have lost 40lbs since my pregnancy because eating is such a huge trigger for me. I just cant do it. The reason I havent lost more is because I can eat sugary drinks, because those didnt make me dry heave for 30-45 min at a time, while I sh*t and peed my pants, but couldnt clean myself up until I was threw.

I cooked the dinner, which was ok. Then I served myself a plate. Which was okay. It started to not be ok when everyone started asking me why I wasnt eating my delicious food (i am a great cook). Now i am a panicky shaky mess.

It would seem like no big deal to someone. But last thanksgiving I ate, and two days later I was in the hospital for a week trying to get stabalized because my vomiting got out of control because of that one meal.

I just wonder if i will ever be able to eat again.

 

[ghost]

Hi green

That sounds really ****ing horrible.

Most of the members here seem to be dealing with heavy shit on a day-to-day basis; but every now and then someone mentions something that stands out.

I don't know what you've tried so far. But, perhaps something like hypnotherapy would work, or something like exposure therapy, that could gradually raise your tolerance to food.

 

[Nicky31]

Hello Green

Crikey, what a rough day! Maybe by the time you read this the particularly bad day will be over, so I would ask how you are feeling now.

I have to say that I don't know much about the reaction that you are experiencing with food. Has it always been like this? Ghost's suggestion is a good one but it depends on the nature of the condition that is making you feel this bad. EMDR might be a good option as it helps you tap into the physical responses to triggers and therefore you can trace back and deal with the initial stuff- if that makes sense?

Look after yourself, eat what you can if anything at all. I can appreciate that this is a huge trigger for you.

Nicky

 

[greenunflower]

It is the morning and while I still feel anxious, my body feels like crap and I want to hide from the world. I have to work today, which will be the best thing for me. Anytime the need to be agoraphobic is at its highest, I never call in sick to work, because I know if I start that cycle, it will be never ending. I just need to take quite a bit of ibuprofen to deal with this panic hangover.

I hate eating. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich about 4am. But that is all I ate in 24 hours. I just cant eat. I think my therapist is waiting to tackle that because we have bigger things right now, and I am still at a good 180.

 

[This Ends Now]

greenunflower,

Sorry to hear you had such a rough time with the holiday. That's one heck of a ruthless trigger, especially this time of year. You are dong good by trying to prevent the cycle of isolation. Work can be a wonderful therapy when used right.

I am glad that liquids are not as bad for you. Keeping yourself hydrated is very important. Do you have specific liquids that are safe or do most of them stay down OK? Also, do you have a blender and a juicer? I know that a lot of foods can be made into healthy drinks and smoothies. Even when a smoothie does not stay down it is at least easier than solid food when it comes back up. Fresh squeezed juices are also great... lots of nutrition without all the salt and additives of most commercial juices... and without the stress of actually "eating".

I do not yet know you well enough to know what else I could suggest... other than speaking to your general doctor about the symptoms you are having. Sometimes that can help give an additional perspective and support while you are working with your therapist on the underlying issues.

Let us know how you are dong. I hope work went well for you today! :Hug_emoticon:

Best wishes,

Liz H.

 

[Grainne]

Holy crap Greenunflower - I've got to say, that must be one of the most annoying triggers I've ever heard of! I can't imagine how difficult the holidays must be for you...let alone regular meal times. I'm so sorry you suffered like that through your pregnancy.

I wish I could help...but I have nothing...! Ghosts idea of exposure therapy might be somthing? Have you tried anything like that to cope?

Grainne

 

[greenunflower]

Do you have specific liquids that are safe or do most of them stay down OK? Also, do you have a blender and a juicer? I know that a lot of foods can be made into healthy drinks and smoothies. Even when a smoothie does not stay down it is at least easier than solid food when it comes back up. Fresh squeezed juices are also great... lots of nutrition without all the salt and additives of most commercial juices... and without the stress of actually "eating"

The easiest thing to drink is cranberry juice. i tried drinking an Odwalla C- monster last night but only got half way through before I couldnt take it any more, without getting hysterical.

At this point i know I am malnourished between the pregnancy and not eating well since. I would just like a g-tube so could pump liquid nutriton directly into my stomach, or intestine (even better, then I couldnt throw it up) and be done with it. Next year when I have a PPO I am going to see a gastrointerologist and see what he says about my eating issues and where we stand. TMI I also have explosive copious diarrhea multiple times per day TMI OVER.