I'm So Angry At My Shrink

[sugnim]

Yesterday, my shrink spent about 15 minutes talking about how my son needs a male role model to show him how to be a man. She held up her husband as an ideal, saying that he shows their son what a good father is, and how to be a good man. She went on and on, even going on to say that people should not adopt children who are of a different race.

I'm a gay woman. I'm married to a woman, and we have been together for over 14 years. We have a son together who are trying to raise in a loving family. We get enough shit from society in general, and I really don't understand why I had to endure that speech from the shrink yesterday. I felt trapped on her couch, wanting to tell her off and walk out, but feeling that she would judge me as a failure for not effectively dealing with the anger issues I originally went to her to discuss.

I know that everyone has different opinions, but I'm not sure what her opinions have to do with me or what I thought we were supposed to be doing in therapy.

I was so angry when I left our session. And I feel that I should be over it today, but I'm not. I feel like I was tricked. I regret all of our sessions, and I regret sharing things with her that I now can't take back. I wish she had disclosed her views when we first met.

I never wanted to be seen as the gay client. I just wanted to be seen as a human who needed some help from another human in dealing with some issues that I was not dealing well with on my own.

This feels awful.

 

[Sandstone]

It is awful. She has no right to express those views like that.In the UK I'm pretty sure that would fall under the anti-discrimination laws, as she expressed those views as part of her work. She is absolutely in the wrong.

I think it is true that all children need role models of both genders, and I'm sure you are both, as loving parents, working to provide those. If that is hard, for whatever reasons, a decent therapist would work with you on ways to overcome those problems. Not descend to what sounds like a homophobic, racist rant.

At least it allows you to experience wholly justifiable anger, and to work out how you are gong to act on it.

 

[Martha Yost]

Yesterday, my shrink spent about 15 minutes talking about how my son needs a male role model to show him...

That therapist is small minded. Find yourself a.new one right away. She obviously hasn't seen the videos and stories of the EXCEPTIO ALLY bright and well balanced children raised with two mothers. That therapist is living in the dark ages. Get out now.

 

[Chimera]

I wish you would send her a copy of your posting.
She should read how clearly she has failed that session and you and your family.

 

[barefoot]

I agree with @Sandstone - it feels awful because it is awful.

Your sexuality/your family unit should have no bearing on the kind of care you receive.

If she has an issue with your orientation/relationship/decision to be a parent/whatever, it is her job to manage those feelings to ensure that they don't get in the way of the service she provides for you. And if she finds she's unable to do that, the ethical thing to do would be to stop working with you and help you find a new therapist who can fully support you. Working with you with those kinds of overt judgements is unprofessional/unethical at best...

I'm sorry you've had this experience. I'm not surprised you feel angry, tricked and that you wish you hadn't trusted her enough to share personal information with her.

What are you thinking you're going to do next?

 

[expectingbetter]

You have rights to be angry.
I would be too.
It is completely inappropriate of her.
Please don't be too harsh with yourself, you couldn't ave known what kind of person she is.
I think you should somehow find the courage to confront her with this. I think it is important for her to know what effect her words had.
I can understand completely how must you feel right now. I hope you will find a better therapist which is what you deserve.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist has some different relgious views from most...we do talk a tiny bit about it as that was a big part of my trauma but he NEVER pushes them on me, ever!

This therapist needs to keep her closed minded opinions to herself!

How long have you been in therapy with her? The reason I ask is if you have just started or are in the early part of therapy, this would be grounds to find another therapist for me!

If established for a while, tell her that you are openlly homesexual, that you are married to a wonderful woman, that he has plenty of male family members as role models (id say that even if he doesnt to shut her up but thats just me); that he is in a loving and fit home when he wasnt before he was adopted.

I would go on to tell her that many kids up for adoption go to foster home after foster home and many are abused there and end up on a couch like hers. I would also go on to ask her if that would have been better for your son than to find a wondeful loving, caring, nutrion home like yours!

I used to volunteer at a place that had kids in the system. Many of them wont talk, many are so terrified, and many had already been abused in a foster home(s) as well as an adopted home(s) and went back into the system. So I would pick a loving home over anything else; and in my opinion, there is zero difference if that house hold has 2 women, 2 men, or a man and a wife, or a single man or woman. As long as that home is fit, loving, and the child has all needs (physically, mentally, emotionally, spitually etc) met!

The system is no place for a child and you took your son out of it and into a loving home and that is ALL THAT MATTERS!

Big :hug:s to you for both having to deal with a closed minded therapist that wants to push their views on their patients, and for adopting a child and providing the child with a great home!

 

[Friday]

And I feel that I should be over it today, but I'm not.

Sounds like you haven't fired her, yet?

That's the only way I could imagine no longer being angry with her by today... But even then? I doubt it. Having to find a new psychiatrist, or psychologist-psychiatrist team to replace McBigotedIdotrix? That's just one of many many things I'd be pissed at her over.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

And if she finds she's unable to do that, the ethical thing to do would be to stop working with you and help you find a new therapist who can fully support you.

I double this!

This is very unethical!

 

[barefoot]

Actually, I'd come at this from a different angle to @lostforgottensoul - purely to add an alternative to the mix.

Your therapist obviously has clear, strong views about what constitutes the "right" kind of relationship/family unit. Therefore, I suspect it won't matter how much you try to reason with her....I think she's unlikely to change her mind. Bigots don't tend to be very flexible in their thinking or open to others' views ;-)

In addition, I don't think it's healthy/in service to you to put yourself in a position where you are justifying yourself to her. You shouldn't feel you have to do that. You shouldn't have to convince her that you don't deserve her judgement.

If I were in your shoes, I couldn't continue working with this therapist. I'd probably be honest about my reasons for terminating - that her judgement doesn't have any place in our therapeutic relationship. But I would avoid getting into a discussion to persuade her that my relationship was valid/I am a good parent/I am doing a good thing etc. That would just mean me getting more caught up in her stuff....her bullshit.

I'm so angry about this on your behalf!

 

[Crow]

I'd report her.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If I were in your shoes, I couldn't continue working with this therapist. I'd probably be honest about my reasons for terminating - that her judgement doesn't have any place in our therapeutic relationship.

Well personally I would do that too, I wouldnt be able to work with a therapist I knew was judging me and my lifestyle but not all can just stop seeing a therapist when they've been established with them for yrs so that's why I advised to maybe explain her position. If at that point she insists on continuing to pass judgement on me then stop the session?

Remember that therapists are human and she may have just miss spoke and made a mistake? Maybe it wont continue?

But I agree that I personally wouldnt be able to continue the sessions with that therapist. All that would be going through my head from then on is their judgement on me...and judging me is a huge trigger for me and there's no way in hell Id be able to continue with a therapist that did that.

But everyone is different and so that's why I threw that in there. In the end, you and I agree. ;)