General I'm So Confused, Concerned, Lost...and Feel Guilty...

[Neela]

Hey Nonie -

I know from first hand experience that it's really hard to understand PTSD. I'm really new to it all myself. I had no idea my boyfriend had it until he was recently diagnosed. And it's like they say "PTSD is a Killer". You have to be willing to push through those difficult situations. Be very patient. And read as much as you possibly can on this disease. You definitely can't over-analyze the things he does. For me personally, I never knew my boyfriend before he had this disease, with or without it, he's still amazing and beautiful. Yes, we have had our moments (only about a week or two ago he shut me out for over a week, it was the longest time he's ever done that), but we push through those difficult times. The one thing I've learned is that you really do need to respect his boundaries. If he tells you to leave him alone, then you MUST do as he requests.

I don't know from first hand experience what it's like to have my boyfriend on deployment (he's been stationed here in the states for some time now), but I'm pretty sure that him being over there is extremely stressful. I believe at this point, regardless of the little communication you have with him, you need to respect that boundary and let it be. It's got to be hard for him over there. And yeah, every now and then he may talk to you, but it's always best if you let him make the first move. It's really hard and believe me, at times it's taken all of me not to contact my boyfriend when he asks for his space. But in the long run, it'll works itself out.

Anyway, read the experiences here on the forum. It's helped me tremendously and hopefully it'll help you too.

Neela

 

[nyc]

Hey Nonie,

Thanks for writing. I'm so glad to hear from you. I keep checking your posts to see what other people say as well. It feels comforting.

I had a little ray of hope today. Im not getting my hopes up too much, but I heard from him this morning after 2 weeks of silence. It turns out he has done more work on himself (and the negative things that affected our relationship) in the past 2 weeks than the past 6 months of therapy.

To be honest I think it's because i gave him the mental space and left him alone. I'm going to continue to do this, just wait, and be supportive when he contacts me. He said he has made progress- which is a first! Because I haven't seen any since he started with the shrink. It's been devastating to watch him fall apart and destroy/saboutage everything.

But, from his message, I feel that he is really taking control of his ptsd at the moment.I feel really proud of him.

I followed Kathy's advice as well about looking after myself. When i do see him, I want to be assertive and together so I can be there for him without needing anything.

I will sound extreme but i went to a hypnotist to sort a couple of things in my head. I don't know how you feel, but it's been hard not to take some of this stuff personally even when I am aware that his actions are a part of his symptoms. (accupuncture, chi gung...I'm a bit of a hippy right now)

I've also been reading a ton of books- and the resource section on this site. Anthony's post: time line to recovery - was really useful and informative.

We have not discussed the collateral therapy session since. But his therapist did get in contact with me and suggested another of her colleagues who has similar background. I know that he must be ok with that- because she would not betray his trust in any way. I will discuss this with him first- in December when i go home for 3 weeks- if he's speaking to me or comfortable seeing me.

(At the moment we're in different countries- so I totally get what you're going through too. But, fortunately I go home every 6 weeks- and will move back in June).

I want to see a ptsd specialist so I can learn how to behave and communicate effectively without pushing him away- I have not been able to do this so far because I was getting so upset with his "tricks". I have to keep reminding myself of who he really is- and that he has a serious condition. The suicidal/depression stuff frightens me a lot. We really have no idea what's happening in their heads.

Anyway. Right now- I feel great because I see hope. Even if it is a tiny speck of light. And I feel so grateful about what he's doing at the moment. So, I'm ok about being "dumped" if he keeps taking these positive steps.

Please let me know how you are and what's helping/working with you guys.

Take care.

J

I changed my name cause I stupidly put my real name on the forum and then realized i was the only one. I was in a bit of a frenzied state when I found this site. But things seem much calmer now:)

 

[Nonie]

Becvan--Thanks for taking the time to reply to my thread, any information or guidance will be accepted...and since you are a carer and a sufferer i believe??...then you know how it is on both sides of the coin.

I will say that your post did seem a little abrupt, and quite the slap in the face...but i am not offended nor am i upset by it. It just kinda put me in my place, i suppose. As someone who has never had to deal with anything of this nature before...it is a lot to take in, understand, process, and trying to learn to cope with...so i do not feel bad that my emotions are all over the place. The carer section is a place for us carers to share our OWN emotions and feelings, and i surely did not join this forum to feel as though i was being judged for the way i am thinking at present.

Let me remind you...my ex has not seen anyone, nor has he been diagnosed, nor has he even concluded that he could have PTSD. It was ME that approached him about it, and sent him e-mails with TONS of information about ptsd, and it was me who showed concern that he could be dealing with ptsd, and i think he should seek some help. If anything...i was the one that pushed him in that direction, and i really do HOPE and pray that he has chosen to seek some help. After those couple of e-mails with ptsd information, i never brought it up again. He had the information, he told me he wasn't comfy talking about anything, so i let it be..and i never mentioned it ever again.

Now, with all that being said...i still to this day do not know if he has chosen to get help, maybe has had ptsd before he met ME, or if he recently got diagnosed, etc etc....so my emotions being all over the place is fine with me. I am living off of the assumption that either he developed ptsd possibly, recently...or he could have had this for years, and never told me (I've never been around him long enough to see if he shows actual signs of ptsd, since he is always deployed.) In our recent IM conversation, i didn't show any bad emotions, or negativity to the point that he would feel guilty over anything about me or what he has done to me. I am not so heartless that i would make him feel so guilty for anything. I know how he feels, and i will not stoop that low...but if i come to the carer section on this forum to share how i feel...i think that is absolutely fine with me....i am talking about how I FEEL and what emotions I'M going through...and since he has no clue that i am doing this...neither one of us will be hurt. I'm sure he is seeking refuge in someone else, just as i am seeking it here on the carers section.

Besides all of that, i will say that i value your opinion and thank you so much for sharing it. I am still continuing to learn as much as i can about ptsd, and trying so hard to be prepared for anything. We are still broken up, yet when he contacts me, i keep it "sweet" with him. I am not contacting him at all since we both agreed on no contact. But you have to understand how that makes me feel too...and you should know..because you are also a carer too, not just a sufferer. It hurts. I am not ignorant to anything he feels. My thoughts, feelings and emotions are all shared here on the forum with other carers who may be feeling just as i do, so that i do not put that strain or guilt on my ex's shoulders. I know he has enough to deal with..and me speaking about how i feel will just make his shoulders feel even heavier. And the last thing i want to do is add more to his plate.

But recieving such a slap in the face honestly doesn't help me either....i feel like i have extreme low self worth and faith in myself to do better...because i feel like i have dissapointed him to the point that he pushed me away. I do know that this is also a part of ptsd, but you could have been a little nicer with your post, i am here to learn about it, and not feel like i have to step on eggshells to get some answers about something i know nothing about at all.

Conflicting emotions are horrible...and i'm trying so hard to push them away, and be there for him. But being dumped by him..and only hearing from him once in a blue moon because he "just wanted to say hi", hurts. I know you understand...

 

[Nonie]

Hi Neela, Thanks for posting. I have browsed through your thread just now, and i appreciate you sharing your opinion in my thread too. It is hard, but i am respecting what he wants now. We both agreed to give each other time and space to heal, and to figure ourselves out, and get ourselves together on our own time. I guess what kinda got me was that we had 12 days of no contact, and i was starting to feel a little bit better about myself. Of course i did think about him and i was always concerned about him and how he's doing..but i never over stepped his boundaries. I never IM'ed him and i never e-mailed him either. I gave him the space he asked for, and i respect that he needs that space too.

But on my side, i wasn't ready to talk to him, but even though i wasn't ready...i still IMed him back, because i pushed my feelings and needs aside to be there for him. It's so conflicting the emotions i feel...but i am here for him, and i'm trying not to think about how i feel. It just caught me by surprise that he IMed me out of nowhere when he told me he needed alone time too. I understand that he can't think straight, or he's confused, and so on...but i guess on my side it just seemed confusing....i don't know..it's hard to explain how i feel.

Maybe you can understand? I'm not too sure...since you and your bf are still together...but mine broke up with me and pushed me away..yet torments me by contacting me once in a blue moon. So while i'm trying to heal...and i feel like i'm at a point that i'm starting to do better, he appears. I could block him on IM, but i don't want to do that either...because i want him to have the opportunity to reach me when he wants to talk to me....it's just conflicting, you know what i mean?? Even if i blocked him on IM, he could call me from Iraq, and the numbers are always different, sometimes local numbers, and sometimes unknown numbers...if i answer and it's him...am i supposed to hang up on him?? Goodness..i could never do that...so i put up, and i deal with it, and talk to him....and again, i push my feelings aside.

I hope your situation is okay, and that you are your bf are coping well. You're lucky that he opened up to you and told you he has ptsd, and has been diagnosed. Yes, Iraq is a stressful and dangerous place to be...but if he is on Myspace, and other forums, and on IM chatting to other friends and family members...yet i'm being shut out.....??? It stings like hell.

 

[Nonie]

J/nyc:

Good to hear from you again. I'm glad to see things are going well with you and that you took the initiative to heal yourself and gather as much information you can to be better prepared to deal with him when you go home. Good stuff. I too am reading a lot, and searching all over the web, reading sufferers' stories, thoughts, articles, etc...and i am starting to understand a lot more now. As far as i know, my ex is undiagnosed, so it's just a worry for me, and i'm really confused about what is going on with him.

I am giving him the space he wants, and i'm doing well with it. I don't contact him at all. He was on IM last night and i didn't message him at all, neither did he message me. And you know what? I was okay with that...i let him be, and he left me be. But i can't help but think that he might feel as though i've let him go, and i've given up. I don't want to give him that impression at all...but he asked for space, so i'm respecting that fully. But when he does contact me, i am there solely for him, and i don't show any negativity at all, because i would hate to make him feel worse than he feels already.

I'm happy to hear that your ex is improving and that he said he has made progress. It's also great to know that he is updating you on his whereabouts and how he feels. That's definately a sigh of relief, i'm happy for you! Your posts make me feel a lot better, and i know that if you can be strong enough for you and for what you're both currently going through, even though you're currently not a couple...then i should be just as strong as you!! Thanks, it makes me feel a lot better, and i feel quite encouraged. :)

 

[anthony]

Nonie... the simple end of the story is; your boyfriends overloaded. If you haven't read [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/attachments/forum9/307d1190893659-understanding-ptsd1.pdf"]understanding PTSD[/DLMURL], then maybe do so in order to understand what is going on within him, then place you within that mould and see exactly how you nor anyone else could fit if a relationship is required. You will find he is most relaxed when on operations, compared to being home. Why? Because he now needs that level of stress around him to feel good, instead of stressed. He has purpose in that environment, he knows he has a certain amount of control over his surroundings, as he knows he has no control over himself, yet will not admit that to himself nor another.

The beginning and the actions are the same time and time again....

 

[Kathy]

Thank you for mentioning that article again Anthony. It is stickied at the top page here, and it is stickied for a reason, as it is a most excellent article. The PTSD cup explanation especially is what helped me to understand PTSD in my loved ones. If you read nothing else on the forum, read that. I must emphasize once again to everyone, to read, read, read whatever you can, and as much as you can, upon this forum. We have a wealth of information on PTSD and knowledge is your ultimate defense, so arm yourself with it!

Nonie, I believe the point that everyone is trying to get across to you, regardless of circumstances, treatment, how you personally feel and what you have agreed to mutually and so on - it that your ex boyfriend has a very serious, incurable illness, and you do not. You are not on a level playing field, nor will you ever be, should you decide to have a long term relationship with him. Regardless if he gets treatment and heals he will still have this illness. My suggestion is, if contact with him bothers you, then perhaps you should consider completely severing the relationship. If you are having hurt feelings now, over him simply contacting you to ask how you're going, well, that is only the tip of the iceberg Nonie. Things will become far worse once he returns home from operations, regardless if he is in treatment or not. If you don't feel you can handle any of that, best to cut your losses and get out now. I do understand the hurt of a break up and that part of your feelings are simply that. However you are not broken up with a "typical" man. That cannot be stressed enough. Even if you love each other very much and reconcile, there are difficult times ahead, let me assure you.

 

[nyc]

Hi Nonie,

Hang in there.

Don't give up on him- but at the same time move forward with your life. Don't get stuck in his anguish or else you can't help him and his pain will consume you. I feel like that was what was happening to me.

I get where you're at- I'm new at this too. I'm sorry that you received strong responses to your plea for help. I understand how you are feeling. The person you love is falling apart and you can't do anything to help as well as being in a different continent.

I still haven't got a clue about what my guy is going through. I am still figuring it out. It gets more challenging when they shut down too.

I've copied a link below. This was the best book I read in terms of relationships with people with ptsd- it's on this site.

Learning about this has been the only way I have been able to get some peace and understanding.

Try to be patient with him. And don't beat yourself up because you are new to this. We are going to make many mistakes in this process. Especially at this stage of the healing when we are still trying to gain understanding of their pain and what it is we need to do to support.

Sincerely,

j

 

[Kathy]

Nonie, the book nyc recommended is listed in this thread:

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5515.html[/DLMURL]

ETA: I suppose it would help if I mentioned the name of the book wouldn't it?? It is: Coping with PTSD: A Guide for Families. Nyc, my apologies as well as apparently that was not an external link! I read incorrectly. Next time I will simply fix the link for you.

 

[Kathy]

I apologize if I sounded harsh earlier Nonie, however; I am under a lot of stress at present, as my daughter with PTSD is very ill, and we may be taking her to hospital shortly. PTSD is a very serious business, everything that has been said to you is absolute fact, strong words notwithstanding. I simply wish for you to realize the seriousness of this condition. Take good care of yourself.

 

[Umus]

Nonie, I have been reading your thread with great interest and I do understand all you are going through so well! I have been in a relationship with an Iraq vet for 7 years, we are now seperated for 7 months because I could not take it any more. He has recently been diagnosed with PTSD, although he has been a sufferer ever since he returned from Iraq in 1991! I have been reading, reading, reading as much as I can, we are in contact and I try to support him I he needs me and I give him space as much as I can. I was also very hurt and angry, helpless and confused because it is just so hard to deal with all these issues. But I also learned that HE is sick, that I can support him but at the same time I have to look after myself in order to be able to go on with MY life. He tells me that he loves me but at the same time needs SPACE, it is so hard to understand this, but I am trying. I am not sure if we will ever be together again, but I know that I will always be there for him if he needs me. If you truly care about your bf, which I believe you do, you will find a way to deal with this! Please take good care of YOURSELF, and do not feel bad about it...All the best!

 

[Nonie]

Kathy, it's been a while since i posted on the forum, and i did see your first post in your thread about your daughter. I truly hope things are going okay, and that things will get better for your family. You've been through so much, and you're a wonderful example of a person who is strong and patient enough to understand everything that comes along with ptsd. I admire that. Thank you for sharing all that you do, because it really is appreciated.

I am absolutely not offended by what you've said in this thread. It's actually a good wake up call. Just a quick update on my situation. After that day he broke contact on the 12th day..i waited a while and contaced him on the 21st day of no contact from my end. I kept the conversation very light and talked about general things and kept the conversation very happy and of good nature. The conversation went well.

The day after that i messaged him again...and it was another good conversation, and he spoke a lot more to me this time around. He shared things about his family and what's going on with each person, etc...he also told me his plans when he returns, and what his next step would be when he comes home, etc.

The 3rd day was last night, and i messaged him again. He wasn't bothered by it at all, and was having a great conversation with me. He was talking about his work, his concerns, etc. He also mentioned he got the impression that i didn't want to talk to him on the day he broke no contact with me (12th day), which is why he never messaged me again. I didn't lie to him, i told him that i was a little taken back by it, which is why i waited about a week until i broke the no contact from my side. He told me he still wants to see me when he comes home, and still wants to call me when he gets home too, but he was worried that i wouldn't want that...and he was glad that i brought it up, because it settled him, and made him feel a lot better.

I also asked him how he is doing personally, reffering to the "things" he talked to me about, in the past (ptsd related symptoms he was displaying), and he told me he wanted to see someone on base, but was embarrassed to go, and felt very weak about it. I recommended that he search for some forums/websites where vets or others who have ptsd, post. I told him it would be very beneficial to him, and it can help ease some of the tension he is feeling by talking to anonymous people who have the same issues. He thanked me and said he will search for some.

I told him i really do care about him, and i wanted him to seek some type of help, especially if right now he is too scared to go to a doctor about it. And him telling me that he will search for forums and start posting, made me feel a lot better. I had told him that there are many vets who post on ptsd forums with the same exact things he is going through, and he would find comfort in posting there, because all of these vets help one another, and they feel just like him....just like all the other people who suffer from ptsd. He appreciated it, and that made me feel good!

I'm taking it a day at a time, and i'm very relaxed about the situation. Thankyou for helping me through this, and all the others that posted in the thread.