I'm so frightened to ring my son! how can i be braver?

[mumstheword]

So I have a young adult child who is turning 22 today. I planned to call him coz he's living out of state, but I'm soooo scared! This son got used by his narcassistic/addict Dad to hurt me a lot as when I was forced to leave due to long term abuse and a extremely severe health crisis resultant from the abuse, he was so upset and manipulatable, fed horrid lies that he was too young to see through and has thrown them back in my face and been an unwitting abuser due to his vulnerability and emotional hurt that I "left" .

I couldn't take the abuse anymore. 37 years of abuse was enough (16 from my mum and various random men and boys) and 21 at the hands of my chidren's Dad and him enlisting the children into it as well. Then my kids where trained into it and now I want to wish my son-who-I-love, forgive, feel guilt and shame/feel intimidated by because of his treatment of me since
I couldn't take it anymore and I'm coming apart at the seams just thinking about reaching out to him. Any suggestions on how to build up some courage here? Otherwise I feel I will fall into extreme guilt and shame for not ringing him on his birthday.

 

[The Albatross]

The best way to build up courage, is to declutter all the extraneous stuff you have attached to the call (see above), and to focus on the purpose for the call (his birthday). Should anything wild or wooly occur during the call, you can say... "I love you and I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me and happy birthday." Keep it short, keep it simple... keep it focused and keep in mind once your purpose is served you can stay on the line as you'd like to with the proviso that you keep it pleasant and if it goes sideways then you end the call gracefully.

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @The Albatross :) I ended up texting him, as my guy pointed out he is most likely partying and won't hear the call. Will try ringing him tomorrow (it's night here now). I am pretty fragile today. Our dog died of a snake bite yesterday so my guy and I have been burying it and crying today. I just said the essential stuff in the text.

I'm still scared but maybe tomorrow I will feel more courageous. He is the last of the children to keep up the abuse treatment toward me and even he couldn't really maintain it any longer and just chose to leave and get away from it all. I'm glad he did and supported him but unfortunately he still seems to have bought into some terrible lies and unkindness towards me. Maybe he had done some thinking since he's been gone. I hope so. This has all been incredibly heartbreaking.

 

[The Albatross]

Very sorry to read about the loss of your pet. Separate your issues, and the reason why you want to tell him happy birthday to begin with.

 

[mumstheword]

Very sorry to read about the loss of your pet. Separate your issues, and the reason why you want...

I basically just want to let him know I love him, I'm thinking of him, I hope he has/had an enjoyable birthday and see if he will give me his details so I can send him some birthday money. I said all of it in the text, so I'll see if he is gracious at all, in response and give a call if he is.

He has said to me before (when he came up for a visit, some months ago) that he's not really open to me at all yet. Doesn't want a relationship with me as he just wants to get away from it all, and he has a new family/ support now, as in his friends. He doesn't "need" me. I told him I hope one day he can learn to love me and know me as I.love him and want to know him. He said, "maybe one day."

He has also admitted to me he would have rather I had gotten his Dad put in jail rather than be the one to leave (when I asked him), but I know that would have panned out badly and I don't really believe it, as they have all defended and bought into their dad's lies and drug lifestyle and this son is closer to his siblings than to me (since I left). Most of them colluded with Dad and shunned me as I rejected the drug-focused lifestyle (it was contributing to killing me, just pot&tobacco but still) I started sticking up for myself. Plus I was just too ill by the time it ended and just needed to concentrate on surviving and being around for them, in any capacity.

I have proven myself and none of the lies could stick, so it will be interesting to see how my son has processed things. He's still involved with the drug lifestyle though.

 

[shimmerz]

I have had this issue for decades. There is something incredibly abusively evil about a parent feeding lies to their children to further their agenda. I have literally had to piece my heart and soul back together after this type of treatment towards my children. It literally crushed me.

The question I would have to you is, does your son generally attack you when you contact him? Does he now have an agenda towards you? If so, I would leave the contact until I got help for myself in figuring out how to deal with the children, and protecting myself in the meanwhile, which may not be a skill that you necessarily have at this point. I know it took me about 2 years of counseling to even understand what was happening to my kids at his hands.

Be careful. Protect yourself. Get yourself some really good help. You aren't doing them any good by allowing them to abuse you by proxy.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

The question I would have to you is, does your son generally attack you when you contact him? Does he now have an agenda towards you? If so, I would leave the contact until I got help for myself in figuring out how to deal with the children, and protecting myself in the meanwhile, which may not be a skill that you necessarily have at this point. I know it took me about 2 years of counseling to even understand what was happening to my kids at his hands.

I agree with shimmerz. I think because your son said he did not want contact, that I would just be satisfied with reaching out by text alone and do not make the call to protect yourself from being attacked more. This way you can leave the door open for future communication.

My daughter is a full blown alcoholic with narcissistic tendancies and a borderline who for the past ten months has lied and accused me of things I have never done. She has cut off the grandkids from me and I am allowed to text the older grandkid but he is not allowed to talk to me. I am hoping that next month when he turns eighteen years old he may garner the courage to talk to me again hopefully someday.

Until our kids hit bottom and seek help we only open ourselves to more abuse from them. I do understand the intense emotional pain that estrangement with our adult kids brings into our hearts and lives can be. You are in my prayers. You tube has a lot of helpful information about narcissistic abuse and I recommend that you look it up and educate yourself. You are not alone in this experience and my heart goes out to you. I understand just how much it hurts to have this happen and just how deep the pain and the longing is for contact with our adult children. Your son does not sound ready yet to communicate with you in a kind manner and I do hope that you will take these words to heart and just stay away. You reached out to him and as impossible and hard as this will be if you choose to go no contact, it will be better for you to work on your own healing and recovery. It takes a long time to heal and recover from these types of wounds but try to focus now on building you a life of your own apart from him for now. Get better and heal the deep wounds so that if he ever does seek help you will be in a better place to be there for him in the distant future. Please just think about this.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[ninja]

I do think that the early twenties are an odd time with parts of the teenaged rebellion coming through as adulthood and all the new responsibility comes whacking in the face and the fear and overwhelm and inadequacy in the face of said adulthood and responsibility plays hard on the mind and heart. Perhaps with age he will calm down a little, as he realizes he can actually be independent and his own person, which is what I think most teenagers/young adults fight for in this odd developmental stage.
I recognize there is a lot more to the dynamics you are navigating, but I wanted to add this in because I think it magnifies any sort of I don't "need" you, I've got this, I need space type of attitude... and therefore as it is part of a developmental stage it may remit.

I think respecting his wishes for space right now was a good idea. I think it was great that he felt able to let you know he is not ready yet.
[FWIW, I harbored some anger towards my parents. By a long sequence of events I ended up a long way away from them and didn't communicate beyond essentials for a long time. My brother did something similar. I really needed the space from the family system (which was dysfunctional but not unloving or ill-intentioned), and I think he did as well.
...Yea, I really really really needed some space, to find my own truth and sort past stuff out. Slowly I began to see what my anger and fear was actually about and was able to start letting them in again. Now we talk regularly and have quite pleasant discussions. There are things I disagree with them about and some things I absolutely do not discuss because it wouldn't lead to productive discussion for anyone involved, but that comes down to just difference in personalities. I am grateful I was given the space. I was in therapy throughout.]
Sending my best and take really the best care.

 

[WhiteHatGirl]

So I have a young adult child who is turning 22 today. I planned to call him coz he's living out of...

You can plan to be the best role model of NON narcississtic behavior that you can so he knows he doesn't have to be the way his dad is...

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you so much ! @shimmerz @Rain and @NinjaWolf! :-) :-) :-) :-)

I have had this issue for decades. There is something incredibly abusively evil about a parent feedin...

I am so comforted that you understand! And also saddened that you had to go through this shattering betrayal and emotional torture and cruelty too!

Yes, it's the worst to have your children's minds maligned against you. Twisting and distorting their thinking.processes and manipulating them to hurt us and "win" against us.

The only way I've been able to break through is when it ends in crisis and "He" (the dad) can't even manage the mess he's made of our children's lives and beings. One developed a psychotic disorder and I am who ends up being the one to pick up the pieces when my.kids lives gets shattered too. I've had two suicidal (including the one in question) and when he got so bad that the dad was too out of his depth, my oldest son got me in to help. I had to cop bad abuse and the regurgitated lies coming out of his mouth the "I'm a crazy bitch who doesn't care" and "I hope none of your children even go to your funeral" but when it came down to it, he just hurt really bad at me leaving and obviously isn't yet mature enough to work out how dad cruelly played both of us and all of us and the being stoned everyday doesn't help either.

We lost years of his growing up because of it and even though I have been getting plenty of support around this stuff, it's far from resolved, just not so unbearably painful anymore.

I am taking the advice and leaving it at the text. I found out he was at a dance party and has been having a really good time doing that. I'm just happy that he's getting out and enjoying his life now.:-).

It's strangely comforting to get to communicate with people like yourselves
who get it. Horrible that you've got that knowledge too but it helps me. I have a best friend now who went through a similar thing with her son and ex and we are pretty much besties from bonding through our common pain.

I am learning the Buddhist kind of detachment.

It helps.

... but when they were younger and I knew how twisted, manipulative, gaslighty and just plain malevolent and sociopathic their father is, it was absolute emotional torture and constant acute stress. I couldn't get the level of support I needed. All I could do is get the youngest children in my care, who I obtained legal custody of and wait for the trainwrecks, which, of course, inevitably happened, and work on my own recovery.

There will probably be more "trainwrecks" because the man is leading them down the addiction and even drug dealing path, some of them are more susceptible than others but most of them now have debilitating substance dependancies, thanks to their Dad.

And yes, I have tried to get police help in the past, to no avail. Now, it would ensure I lost relationship with all of my children, if I went down that path and bare in mind, the man is a sociopath, a cool, brilliant, charming liar and exemplary manipulator, so I have to be far more strategic and play it cool and empower them with good psychology and inspiring examples rather than be negative or punitive or judgemental.

It's been 7 years and thankfully, it does eventually, get easier and less painful. I am keeping a low profile and just making myself available when they come to me or are open to me and the support I offer.

 

[mumstheword]

You can plan to be the best role model of NON narcississtic behavior that you can so he knows he d...

Thank you! Yes I do that. I'm pretty proud of myself at how I've handled things. I am a very empathetic, truthful person so it comes easily for me to model the opposite of narcissism.

 

[Sideways]

One thing with relationships, is you can’t love the other person into being ready. It may be he decides he’s ready for a relationship with you tomorrow, or 10 years from now, or never at all. That’s not your call.

As much as you love him, I think respecting his decision if he says “I don’t want this relationship yet” is crucial. Having had to watch his dad manipulate you, I think maybe the right thing to do here is listen to what he says he wants, and respect that. Even if it hurts you, maybe that’s what he needs.

I’m glad you sent him the birthday text, that was a great compromise. And I genuinely hope he calls you or replies. If not? Give it time, try and remind him periodically that you love him and are ready for a relationship if/when he is.

For all that it’s filled with the very best of intentions, pushing a relationship on him when he says he’s not ready? That’s not right. He’s an adult, he gets to decide who he has in his life. I think the best chance you have to build a healthy relationship with him is to show him that there’s no forcing anything on him here. Just unconditional love. Unconditional love means you love him, even during the years that he doesn’t love you back. JMO.

Whatever you choose to do? I think you’re doing great. There’s no ‘right’ way to heal yourself or your relationship with others.