I'm Such A Fake Person

[Jade-]

Maybe this is a vent, maybe it's just a realization,either way I'm such a fake person.

I have a job where I have to behave as a professional. I play the part pretty well I guess because I still have a job, apparently they don't see how bat shit crazy I really am.

I am in a relationship & although he sees my crazy often I am sure he doesn't realize the magnitude of it. He doesn't know that I write emails to him telling him all the things he does wrong and all the worse case scenarios I have created in my head about him that are sitting in my draft folder waiting to be sent when they actually happen. He has no idea I did that just this morning , a long email saying I know what he did,how I feel about it,how I knew he was that big of an asshole and I never want to see him again. Yet I hugged him and kissed him when I saw him and then deleted the email once I calmed down from having myself all worked up.He has no clue I have written ones saying I always knew he's an abuser, a child molester, even a serial killer or serial rapist.,all the women he's cheated with or how he's poisoning me is plotting to kill me.

I walk around being a fairly positive person,I am kind, friendly, everyone tells me how happy I look. I seem to have my shit together and like I have progressed so far in my life. I seem pretty confident, I am always dressed well, hair done,nails painted, I exercise and my body is in good shape,etc.

But it's all just superficial and not at all who I am inside. And I swear, sometimes it just feels so exhausting keeping up the facade. But if I didn't,I would probably be locked away. If the outside matched the inside I would probably be walking around with my hair sticking up,matted and in knots. I would probably be wearing a plaid blouse, stripes pants,mismatched shoes,covered in chocolate and other foods ,drooling, unable to form a coherent sentence.

Sometimes the crazy outwardly slips out,I say and do such off the wall things. But to others it comes off as just ditzy and even kind of cute and I can play that part well too. But inside I'm like wtf, must do better! at appearing as a normal human being!

Idk if those without such major traumas, those without PTSD have to work so hard at just containing themselves on a daily basis. But I sure would like to know what it's like to just 'be', to just relax, not think so much or have to put in so much effort every day. I feel like such a fake. I AM a fake.

Even going to the store to pick up a few things, I may look like a fairly normal person,I smile at people,talk to people, inside though I am so anxious, the lights are too bright, there's too many people, there's not enough air, it's too hot or too cold and omg why is everyone looking at me, must hurry and get tf out asap.

What's it like to just "be"? And how do you get there?

 

[Nairobi]

I walk around being a fairly positive person,I am kind, friendly, everyone tells me how happy I look. I seem to have my shit together and like I have progressed so far in my life. I seem pretty confident, I am always dressed well, hair done,nails painted, I exercise and my body is in good shape,etc.

But it's all just superficial and not at all who I am inside. And I swear, sometimes it just feels so exhausting keeping up the facade. But if I didn't,I would probably be locked away. If the outside matched the inside I would probably be walking around with my hair sticking up,matted and in knots. I would probably be wearing a plaid blouse, stripes pants,mismatched shoes,covered in chocolate and other foods ,drooling, unable to form a coherent sentence.

I dont think you are fake, I think you only try to survive in a difficult world.
The other day, after a difficult situation with my flatmate with PTSD, I had an anxiety crisis and I was crying during several hours. I had to go to work, so I cleaned the tears of my face and went to work, and spoke with a person of my job. He told me: I like a lot to speak with you, you are always so positive, you look always so happy... WTF? Am I the best actress in the world? I was completely destroyed inside in that moment, but he didnt notice! I have learnt in life that everything is easy if you smile, that you have more possibilities to be accepted if you have the facade, so I just do it in an automatic way. My therapist says that my smile is like a defense mechanism
But it doesnt mean I am fake. I just try to do my best to be accepted, even if it is to have a smiling facade when I am so sad inside

I am with you in the question of what is it like just to be. I am not PTSD, I am trying to be a supporter, but I am autistic and every day I have to do so huge effort to "look normal".

 

[Movingforward10]

How is it fake? You're doing this which means it's part of you. But it's hard work as there is another part of you that feels the opposite.
Have you done work about fragmented parts of yourself? Integrating traumatic parts into you?

It is exhausting working hard to stay afloat. But it can get better.

I learnt a lot being on this site, being in therapy and reading this book: healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

How is it fake? You're doing this which means it's part of you. But it's hard work as there is another part of you that feels the opposite.
Have you done work about fragmented parts of yourself? Integrating traumatic parts into you?

It is exhausting working hard to stay afloat. But it can get better.

I learnt a lot being on this site, being in therapy and reading this book: healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors.

@Jade- I’m short on words but say “ditto” on this comment by @Movingforward10 and I encourage you to see your outside (“fake”) self as a protection part of yourself. You have a powerful set of survival skills that developed out of need and you have the ability to learn new and different skills.
Blessings to you on your journey!

 

[Jade-]

Thanks everyone. Im short on time and can't respond individually.

I don't think it's that I'm fragmented. At one time that was the case and I didn't have to work so hard all the time because it all just happened on its own. But that's a whole different topic that I don't talk about much anymore. It''s more that I feel I have no choice but to keep up the facade, otherwise I couldn't be a functioning human being,.

It's just so exhausting having to put in so much effort and it does make me feel like I'm a fake person because I'm not showing the world what I'm really like. But I also can't show it either in order to maintain a job and function.

 

[Roland]

I really relate to this. It's hard to let people (that are worth it) actually know you. My husband knows me, almost as well as my mom, but he still doesn't really get it. I have personality splits which cause me to act in different ways according to the situation or triggers etc. He thinks it's normal. But then again I guess it's normal for me.

With work/professional situations you have to mask to not get fired/bad reputation etc. I don't work full-time because I can't stay masked that long. When I did work full time I ended up dressing like how I felt inside on the weekends because I had to force myself to be so rigid and professional that I needed to be myself fully on the weekends. I also acted very childish on the weekends.

With the relationship where you write those emails, are these are hypothetical situations? I think that's okay, you're processing and thinking about worst case scenarios, you're planning for the future basically. I just suggest you don't spend too much time there if it's all hypothetical. Because it's not your current life it's situations that will probably never happen.

 

[Friday]

“Give a man a mask, and he’ll tell you the truth.” Oscar Wilde.

Being CONCERNED about the masks we wear, the roles we play? Is SUPER indicative of trauma. So you’re eyeballs deep in trauma, right now. That happens. As does chest deep & pissed off.

The roles we play, the masks we wear? Are how we CHOOSE to be a part. A part of what? ALSO a choice. Where we belong, want to be, or find ourselves? Is less choice than circumstance.

 

[Jade-]

With the relationship where you write those emails, are these are hypothetical situations? I think that's okay, you're processing and thinking about worst case scenarios, you're planning for the future basically. I just suggest you don't spend too much time there if it's all hypothetical. Because it's not your current life it's situations that will probably never happen.

Yeah, they're hypothetical but they're also all past traumas too that mess with my head often. Sometimes it's so hard to differentiate people/places/things from the past and the present. So I have been writing the emails without sending them because I have been working hard at not saying the stuff out loud to him. It doesn't go over so well if I start asking/accusing him of doing or being all of those things, obviously.

It's not so easy to not spend too much time with all the hypotheticals. I am just so afraid at times, especially when I have been triggered and symptomatic.

 

[Roland]

Yeah, they're hypothetical but they're also all past traumas too that mess with my head often. Sometimes it's so hard to differentiate people/places/things from the past and the present. So I have been writing the emails without sending them because I have been working hard at not saying the stuff out loud to him. It doesn't go over so well if I start asking/accusing him of doing or being all of those things, obviously.

It's not so easy to not spend too much time with all the hypotheticals. I am just so afraid at times, especially when I have been triggered and symptomatic.

Yeah I get it, I really do.

I would advise not to stop engaging in the past traumas and hypotheticals, but add in grounding yourself about who your partner is, how they behave, that you're triggered and this isn't how they will treat you, you're in a different place and with different people than your traumas. When you're talking with your partner and something they do or say is triggering remind yourself that it's different, your mind is playing tricks on you, trying to protect from threats that are no longer here.