I'm Tired.

[frozen]

I am more than tired of paying the price for something I did not do!
I'm tired of fighting to explain what has happened to me.
I'm tired of watching my kids go through this hell.

I am tired of playing this 14 year game of checkers and I'm putting away the
checker board this weekend when my two youngest will be gone.

If this is what I have to go through to end up in heaven...well, I gues
you say I'd rather be in hell because waking to this everyday isn't worth it!

 

[Muzikluvr]

I am more than tired of paying the price for something I did not do!

I'm tired of fighting to explain what has happened to me.

Then stop. Just stop. Would that take a greater amount of self esteem, or self validation than you have right now? Maybe, but who the hell do you answer to? You only answer to yourself. Not even your children, just you. If you can't stand explaining yourself to others anymore, then stop justifying yourself to anyone. And, if you can't stand explaining to yourself, then stop explaining and start accepting that what happened happened.

I'm tired of watching my kids go through this hell.

I know that's excruciating, but you have got to accept that they are in control of their own lives, just as you are in control of your own life. Take back your own power, and give them theirs. You can't change the past. You can't force them to make the right choices now. You need to let go of the reins. You can't pull them out of hell anymore than I can turn your life around right now. You have to make your own choices to get out of this suicidal ideation that has it's grip on you. And, your kids have to get themselves out of their own hell too.

But, if you're keeping them in a traumatizing situation, or if your own PTSD is out of control and they're in hell because you're in hell... then the simple answer is, Save Yourself = Save your kids.

I am tired of playing this 14 year game of checkers and I'm putting away the checker board this weekend when my two youngest will be gone.

The game you're playing was created by someone else, an abuser, and it runs circles in your head because you still believe in the rules the abuser taught you. You have to stop believing those lies, face your core beliefs and change them! Quit playing by the rules the abuser taught you.

 

[Hashi]

I know you can't get those 14 years back, and you can't undo the pain you and those close to you have been through.

Personally, I make myself feel much worse when I'm trying to work out why the universe requires me to deal with this. I can never make it balance, nothing in the future (in this life or a next life/afterlife if there is one) is going to make this worthwhile according to the reckoning I'm trying to use. I have to let go of that. I have to accept that I don't understand enough about how the universe works to ever understand this. All I can do is deal with what I've been given.

You can't change the past, you can't transform everything overnight, and personally I think you can't make this ever come out as fair, however you look at it. But there are things that you can do to heal - like therapy (more or different if it didn't help enough before), your own strategies for self-care and ways to process your feelings like journalling and creativity.

The years we've lost to the effects of trauma call for a lot of grieving. They need to be grieved for, though, in order to move on. Try not to get stuck there. I agree with Muzikluvr that working on your own healing is the best thing you can do to heal other areas of your life too. And I believe all of us - however hard the journey - can heal.