General Impact Of Major Move On Ptsd Sufferer

[PTSDMama]

I'll give a little background, then on to the reason for the post. My husband has never had a job where he felt successful. Growing up, he wanted to pursue a degree in history. His parents did all sorts of college visits for his brother, but never for him. No one ever believed in him to succeed because he was quite different from his brother. Fast forward 20 years. He has now completed his BA in history, and wants to pursue his masters in public history.

When faced with the dilemma of where to apply to grad school, one of the obvious choices was to stay where we are. We have lots of support here, with family, therapy, taekwondo, etc. C is very comfortable here, and we don't want to disrupt him too much. However, I want J, my husband, to feel like he can do something he loves. He sacrificed years ago to move here for me from his family, and I want to return the favor.

We decided he would apply here, as well as several schools close to where his side of the family lives. One of the places is where his sister and brother-in-law, and their two kids, are. The kids were adopted, just like C, and they have some issues that are similar to C. So, while it would be a different kind of support, we would have it.

J did not get accepted into the program here. So we were looking to see which of the other 2 states we may move to. However, 2 days ago, he came to me and said it was too hard, that he didn't think he could put C and me through it, and doesn't think we can afford it. I burst into uncontrollable tears - partly because of the stress of the week, but also because I don't want him to give up his dream. I don't want him to be discontent, sad, angry, etc., even though he says he won't be.

He agreed to keep the options open, but seems like he has decided to sacrifice and stay here, struggling to get a job.

What are your thoughts? Any of you attempted a long distance move with a PTSD sufferer? Or any PTSD sufferers who moved in the past and have thoughts about how that impacted you? I'm trying to get the emotion out of it and just do some looking into how impactful this may be to C, understanding that everyone is different.

Thanks!

 

[Eleanor]

I don't know anything about the moving issue, but I know a few things about grad school. So, without knowing what kind of program it is, my first piece of advice is not to give up immediately on the local school. Does it matter if he starts next fall or the one after that? Defer the other two apps if you can. Then he should take a class or two at the local place - preferably with faculty who are on their admissions committee (can be found out with a quick call to the appropriate department secretary) He will get a better feel for if this IS the program for him, plus he can get their support/advice on how to get admitted next time around.

Most universities have open enrollment "extension" programs - and/or evening degree programs, and some professors will just let you audit if you are not a pain in the butt. (For myself, I love bragging that "people who don't even GO to this school come to my classes!":D)

What kind of grad program is it?

 

[PTSDMama]

It's public history. He wants to be an archivist. He tried the local university last year, as that's where he got his BA from. They declined last year flat out, and this year, he's on the waiting list we think. They're not really being forthcoming with information. He has glowing recommendations from several un-tenured profs from there. The main thing he's been told is that the university wants the students and them to have diversity, so they don't like admitting grad students who have attended there for undergrad.

The other 4 schools he applied to accepted him and were excited for him to come. He's had several really great letters and emails from the one we were seriously thinking about...which makes it even harder for me to accept that he may not go. He's been so giddy and excited and has a spark in his eyes I haven't seen in awhile.

So if he communicates with the other schools they may be able to defer his admission to next year? We thought he wouldn't have another chance after this.

Thanks for reading and responding! How are you doing? I've not been on much lately and need to read up on how others are doing too. (((Eleanor)))

 

[PTSDMama]

Oh, and I can't guarantee he won't be a pain in the butt. :p Just kidding.

 

[Eleanor]

WOW! Four for four on the others? That's awesome. Seriously, he must be a star in the making - which is one reason why his current institution is NOT taking him (oddly enough.) The thing is that it is hard to make the transition from undergrad to grad student - faculty just think of you differently. AND people after the PhD or Masters kind of look at you funny if you got your BA and PhD from the same place. They feel like it is incestuous or something. Its a weird thing, but having been a prof for a while I can understand it. BUT exceptions are made, and he must be very tempting if they are wait listing him this year. He can definitely defer his admission to another program for a year if he wants to give the local place one more shot - AND that would allow some more time for your little guy to get some more of his "land legs" under him before a big move- plus you could do trips out to the new place, introduce him to his new places and people gradually, without pulling him out by the roots and plunking him down someplace strange all at once.

He might want to go talk to some of the faculty and explain why, in his case, it would be much better if he could stay there. Faculty are funny, they like the rules and are willing to enforce them, right up until they are presented with some pretty darn good reasons not to. And then they'll bend them. Plus it gives them something to say on the next go-round when they have to explain why he is still at the same institution....

 

[Eleanor]

Just did an update and it ate it. ARRGH. Maybe I should write in in my diary anyhow.

I'm glad to see you too PTSDMama! There is a new person with a child with PTSD who just introduced herself... hopefully we'll see her in the supporter section too...

 

[PTSDMama]

I think we're going to move. We'll be making several visits in the coming months, but it seems 99.9% sure that we are going. Our local college is not interested still, and this is his second year applying there. The one in the other state has been so great and welcoming. I'm so excited to restart in a new place, but so nervous too!

We have so much to get done and my body hurts from C's barrage of abuse. There is only so much I can stop especially when it's unexpected. He usually gets in a couple of good wallops before I can stop him. I think we are going to pursue medication at this point, in the therapist's words, "just to take the edge off". We did a blood draw last week to see if the homeopathic doc can give us some insight into what's going on with him based on blood and hair samples, so I'm hopeful they can help him too.

I feel like we are going to break his heart...but also feel like this could be a really good time of bonding too. We'll be close to family who understands, and is willing to support him and us. We'll be away from reminders of bad things...but also away from good things too! I've been researching my butt off, making sure we find some good places like a dojo that is interested in encouraging the same things his current dojo is. I've also been looking for homeschool co-ops now that he's doing better socially, adoption groups, etc.

Therapist says this actually could be a really good thing for C. Let's hope so.

 

[Eleanor]

WOO HOO! Very exciting times!

I'm worried about you taking blows from C tho...

 

[PTSDMama]

Thanks! And I don't know if I told you, but I shared your posts above with J - he was so encouraged by them.

I am worried about that too! He's getting bigger and stronger and I can't really control him physically anymore. I think a requirement for the new place is going to be a padded room with nothing in it. I'm not even joking. Just send him in there and let him rage then when he comes out, work through the feelings.

His current taekwondo instructor had a long chat with him yesterday and told him he can't continue to train if he's going to disrespect his mama that way. That made an impact for now, but it will be short-lived. I really didn't want to go the pharmaceutical route, but J is at the end of his rope and to keep peace for him and C, I agreed to get a referral to a psychiatrist until we can get any natural remedies the homeopathic doctor suggests. I hope that's a good plan - I hate to mess with his brain chemistry at this age, or really any age, but we don't appear to have a choice. He can't continue hurting me and destroying our property.

 

[Eleanor]

I know what you mean about messing with chemistry - and sometimes you have to take the crutches the universe offers. They ARE the right thing sometimes, and this sure sounds like one of them. I think a padded room (with a heavy punching bag in the middle?) sounds like a super idea actually. The talking to from his instructor may have more of an impact for a longer time than you think... There is something magical about that relationship and ... well it just is.

I'm glad J was encouraged.:) The ways of academe are sometimes mysterious...:O_o:

 

[PTSDMama]

We had 2 days of peace and this morning has been horrendous already. None of us slept well, and I think C's allergies are bugging him. So that equals roundhouse and back kicks on our walls, overturning chairs, etc. He's currently trying to get some sleep with J - hope that happens.

I'm so excited for this move, but terrified too. When J is at work and school, who is going to help me when C gets out of control? My body can't take much more. I feel like it might be better after the move in some ways, because I won't be in and out working - our plan is for me to be at home, which is what I've wanted for a long time. And, we're getting rid of tons of stuff, as well as hopefully moving into a place that's not in need of so many repairs. So I'm hoping those changes, along with any meds/supplements will be enough to help him stay reasonably calm.

But I also know we're taking C away from so much and wonder if we're making the right decision. It all seems to fit together so nicely and when we pray about it, we feel like we're being led that way. So, trying to trust God and failing miserably at times. I just keep praying that this door will be shut if it's not what we're supposed to do. And it keeps getting opened wider, and wider. Lord, give me strength!

 

[Eleanor]

Maybe you are already doing this - but you need to get to the dojo too. You need to speed ahead of where C is and learn how to counter his attacks without hurting him or you. Start now. Maybe add in Aikido training. (which is purely defensive.)

Pulling for you! It sounds like the right thing, and you guys will get it to work for all of you. The uncertainty of "doing the right thing" is very very familiar, not one of my top ten favorite feelings...