General In A Funk....

[JSTANLEY]

Geesh, this just doesnt seem to get better, everyday is such a challenge, and I found out yesterday that my BF put an offer in on another house, my worst nightmare come true. I was hoping it was just a phase that would pass, but apparently not, he says he just needs space to figure himself out to make sure he is doing the right things.

He wants to be a better father and a better husband, I am not sure how moving is going to help this though. He tells me that if he moves he will see me everyday and nothing is going to change, well then if that is the case why is he going to put our 7 and 3 year old through this. Not to mention that it is crushing my heart, I just wish this was a bad dream and I could wake up anytime. I am in such a funk and cant shake it and I am sure I am not helping the situation, but how do I stay positive?

He is the one with the PTSD and it seems he is fine everywhere but where I am, I know I am being selfish by wanting him to be around, I just don't know what to do with myself.

 

[JSTANLEY]

I also wanted to mention that the house he is buying is 3 times bigger than the one we are in right now,and it is only him going to be living there, and the kids when they visit. I so badly don't want this to happen, but what can I do?

 

[Nicolette]

While I totally feel for you JSTANLEY, the first thing to remember is that PTSD Sufferers do need space and by trying to hang on too tight you may be pushing your boyfriend further away. It is not uncommon for them to need space and then tend to remove themselves from people who cause them the most stress.....and that usually means loved ones. It is easier dealing with a stranger as there is no consequence but with partners for example there is always emotions which can sometime be too much for a sufferer if they are overloading.

PTSD is a very selfish illness and all you can do is believe what your boyfriend is telling you and hope it to be true. Maybe being with you and the children full time is overloading him and he is trying to find his space without just deserting you too? On the other hand, this could have nothing to do with PTSD at all. Perhaps he is unsure of the relationship as a whole and it is not PTSD. As a Carer, it is not uncommon to associate too many things as being PTSD issues when sometimes they are just normal relationship issues.

The only advice I could give is let your boyfriend go with your blessing, however hard that may be, and let the rest reveal itself. I am sorry but I have been a single mum and I have seen the other side where people stay together due to children but the relationship is horrible. If you two aren't working out right now it is no good for the children having two parents around - one who is falling apart and the other who doesn't want to be there. IMHO it doesn't cut it when people say "what about the kids" when all kids are better off with two healthy and happy parents (if it means being in separate houses) than being in a dysfunctional environment which can impact on them far greater than just mom and dad not being together.

Good luck. Remember that there is only so much you can control so change what you can and learn to accept what you can't and trust that life will be good to you. PTSD is a very bumpy ride.

 

[JSTANLEY]

Thanks Nicolette.
I understand that he needs space, and I am doing my best to give it to him, as it is a bumpy ride, one minute he is deserting us and the next he is so involved it is unreal.
I am positive it isnt our relationship, but his PTSD, he keeps telling me that he just needs the space to figure everything out and that we will work things out, just to give him some time to work through this first, i find the hard part is being pushed out and pulled in by him, one minute he needs me the next he doesnt. I know I can work throught this, it is just sometimes you feel helpless until I find my strength again.
Thanks again

 

[JSTANLEY]

Hello Again!!!
I was re-reading what Nicolette had written, and I was thinking about the relationship troubles being related the PTSD. I thought they may be due to the PTSD as things were going the best they ever had been in 7 years when he had the diagnosis given, his troubles happpened when we were on our family vacation, cause he had finally stopped long enough to breathe (he owns his own company that is growing vigourously) and when he relaxed for a few days, he started to unwind, and ended up going to the doctor and being told he had PTSD, this is allnew in the last 3 weeks, and he is pusihing me away and then pulling me back, we have communicated more now than we ever had and it was great, until this happened. I just didnt think that it would be related outside the PTSD.
Thanks!!!

 

[Nicolette]

Has he been formally diagnosed by a specialist....not just a doctor?

I would also suggest you go to the article section and look up the PTSD Cup explanation as it will help you put things into perspective when it comes to your partner's stress and ability to cope with this....hence the need to get away, and if he does have PTSD, it would stand to reason from what you said that work stresses him too. Removing work stress would not be an option for someone business driven so I would be tempted to assume he would then try and minimize his next stressor which would be family (remembering good stress can be just as good as dealing with bad stress and children are a stressor in themselves due to their needs - not bad, just factual).

 

[JSTANLEY]

Thanks again for your response, you have a great way of explaining it and in something i can understand. This forum is such a great thing, you all have no idea how much of a help you have been with me understanding what is going on, such amazing support! Thanks for all your explanations as well as the understanding you all have.