thank you heather , its nice to know someone can relate, your words bring me peace , if only for a short time , i find comfort in them.
On with my next rant tho .... Its 3 AM im up in the lounge , Im considering accepting the sleeping medication they are offering me , i fee exhausted , im not used to talking about ME so much and feeling so many diffrent emotions. Tonight i miss my mum and wish my dad hadnt walked out on us. I just feel this want to hold her and to be told everything will be OK and that im her little girl who can overcome anything. Its not her fault shes gone , Her cruel ilness took her away. But after talking briefly in therapy about her , i realise just how much i never really grieved for her loss. The truth is i miss her , every day , but trying to NOT think about her feels easier. The memmories i own of her are of her in pain , her fighting a battle that had one ending in reality , but seing her grasping on every secon of pain to be with me. Its devastating to see her loosing her hair , her strenght and eventually , herself. I remember her being to fragile for me to hug , it hurt her to have physicall contact with me. But when ever the carer wasnt arround i remember her telling me to hold her , i did , it hurt her , but she wanted to give me that love. Then she dissapeard. That was it , and there was nothing i could do about it , I remember seing her on the bed , i lifted up the cotton sheet that was over her , it wasnt my mum anymore , in apperance it was but there was no talking , no smiling , no nothing , i was 15 and i didnt understand. I remember her looking peacefull , no sounds of oxygen machines arround her , just quiet , no coughing , no vomitting , just emmence silence. So silent. I regret not hugging her enough , not ever telling her one day i would make her proud , not telling her how shes been the bes mum ever and that ill miss her. I hope she new that. Wow , it was 5 years ago now.....that seems a long time. The therapy has bought up good feelings about her , and regretfull feelings about things i wish i had told her. I can remember her telling me about 3 weeks before she passed away to ''always brush your teeth after kissing a boy'' (she wasnt aware i was gay) . . and she gave me this cheeky smile...she was funny , she tried to talk to me as if she was a teenager , not a mother who would lecture me. But the main thing she said was to ''stay safe and stay you'' i feel my stupidity that night , being out at 2 am and gang r**** was a faliure on my part , i chose to be out , i chose to not stay safe / not be in a safe situation , and if i saw my mum today magicly , i wouldnt be able to say to her im me , ive ''stayed me''. I feel like i owe it to her and i owe it to myself to get better and f*ck f*ck f*ck i want to. so badley it makes me angry i cant get better faster. I remember hugging her , She had passed at this point. She was cold , she was stiff and her arms wouldnt move easily. I wanted my warm , loving , smiling mum , i wanted her to call me ''squidgie'' as she always had. It made me feel wanted. In a way , i feel like i lost my mum , but i also lost a part of me. The part willing to accept love and hugs , because in reality i new , NO on could ever make me feel as safe and loved as my mum.
thats all.
