was told id be ok to go to my sisters meal today , it was awful...so i sent this to my T for tomorrows session as i dont know if ill be able to talk about it.......now back at the priory and feeling tearfull.
trying to stay in controll felt almost impossible. I felt like i was being looked at , Even if i wasnt , i felt like i was. I orderd a small plate of food , because i cant/dont eat large ammounts , But fear overtook me when it was put infront of me. I was getting clammy hands and i felt like i could just run out of there. There were more people than i expected , 11 alltogether. To me the small plate of food looked massive. The vegetarian option was a veggie lasange , so that was fine (i thought), But lasange is made with that white sauce stuff , I looked at it and thought , shit. Everyone was eating and i felt sick at the prospect of actually eating that. I sat deep breathing , trying to calm myself and realise its just food. i thougt to myslef , get a f*cking grip and just eat your f*cking food and shut the f*ck up you stupid f*cking mind playing idiot. Im eating trying to look normal. I felt eyes , everywhere , i HATE HATE HATE to see someone looking at me , ever really , but when eating its worst, i wanted to go , i didnt feel like i could breathe. Its my sisters birthday , i couldnt let myself flip out , not infront off all thoes people. That sauce was f*cking disgusting , the texture made me feel like i could be sick there and then. I was drinking my cider like a horse to wash it down and take the taste and texture away. The thing that bothers me the most with food is being watched when i eat (makes me feel like i could get angry at someone or flip a table in the air , for some reson i ofter have this feeling/strong erge like i want to flip things in the air when im upset/angry...i dont know why it makes me so angry , but it does) and eating thick/smooth textures , because it reminds me of THAT and if i feel like i have to swallow it in a social setting i go back and remember being forced to swallow it then and them telling me if i dont ill be cut , once that memmory comes into my mind i just want to cut.The physical act forced me to swallow it , it was demoralising and i can here them saying it and i feel dirty like its somehow infected me...i dont say much of what they said , because its sick , and its graphic , but i could hear it , like it was screaming at me i dont want to write this but its there and its sick , its burning into me , 'im going to c**e in your mouth and you swallow it all or ill f***ing cut you.......it was the agression in his voice that terrifies me when i remember it , unsafe..............(not typing the rest its too much and graphic)...................' i tried not to , but the act forced me to , that feels so dirty to write , . It was too much , it reminded me more than ever of the sick stuff they deposited in my mouth , I felt ill , Not ill as in a WANT to be sick , ill as in , im going to be sick i cant hold this much longer. i get up to go the the toilets because i could feel my stomach contracting when it does that i have about a muinit or two untill ill be sick , and vomit , unvolentarily. Even if i hadnt been unvolentarily sick , i would have made myself sick anyway. I cleaned up rinced my mouth ect , sat there thinking im not putting that in my mouth , why cant i get passed it ? i try to think what it is thats making that bit so painfull...but i cant get hold of it at the moment . i dont know what it is about that part of the second act that makes me feel so emotional....but it makes me feel un-pure. i just feel numb , and emotionless but with tears.
