The inner monster has officially arrived. I hope it dosent stick arround for long. I feel this sence of lonleyness and anger. As my phsycotherapis explained to me , i have all the anger bottled up from the attack , now the top of the bottle has been opend , the un spoken anger is exploding out. like a shaken up bottle of pepsi. My Therapist said something to me , She was blunt , honest , and trying to make me see the damage thats been done and needs fixing , Showing me how the last 3 years have been in a way stolen , and how i need to re gain my life. The anger overflowed , the realisation thoes monsters have a hold on me and my life still sent an uncontrollabe emotion of rage through me. she said how it was ok to show emotion/cry when the tears begun, i dont want to cry , i dont want the tears , i want to be happy. Then the anger just took over me , i told her i felt like i was going to go mad , and the blood images are everywhere and im scared , she told me to ground , so i sat stomping my foot and breathing deeply , I was so scared i had this knolidge i was physiclly out of control. I had to get out , i had to go , RIGHT then , i went to walk out the door , now in a state. She was nice , she touched my shoulder , That touch felt scary , mixed with the images in my mind . BANG. I wasnt sarah , I was someone who was damaged and out of her controll , i felt like cutting myself into pieces , changing this face , this body so everytime i see it i dont feel like a dirty used person , so i dont see the girl who was hurt. My head was screaming at me to stop , my body wasnt listning. i pegged it , faster thank i have ever run in my life , in the most agressive mood , the most heartbroken i think ive ever felt , im loosing myself and that scares me , I want to be ME , SARAH . I need my f*cking life back. I WANT it back. I headed to the kitchen , with every intention of cutting my deep UGLY knife scar on my thigh they branded me with that night , changing it so it wasnt there mark any more so it didnt look the same , so i had some controll over it. I didnt get there, they were there to stop me , at the time i hated them for stopping me , they took my power away , i was restrained on the foor and held gently on the sofa , then given a bad to breathe into , it was a full blown f*cking petrifying anxiety attack. i just kept repeating that i wasnt safe. After a few hours and calming down i spoke to her again , I told her how i feel ''branded'' like everyone can see or somehow know im a rape victim , how every one is looking at me and seing a used un-pure person. i dont know why... but she has come up with an activity for us tonight to do when its dark , its wierrd, so she had me draw the place it happend , And write how they made me feel and how they physically hurt me , and were burning them outside later and eating dinner over a bbq together , what an accomadatiing thrapist......
