In An Abusive Relationship With Myself...

[Suzetig]

This is a thought that I'm really still trying to make sense of and wondered if others here might understand what I'm meaning.

I've been working on my self esteem, sense of self worth and self care in therapy over the past few months. I'm in the process of changing jobs and yesterday had a message from my new manager which, for absolutely no reason, panicked me and I really freaked out. After I has stopped panicking I felt really tired and went for a nap. All of this is pretty normal for me but, knowing that my reaction to the message was all out of proportion I've been trying to unpick what happened.

In thinking about my internal dialogue around this issue I realise I immediately started blaming myself for what perceived to have gone wrong and the absolutely berated myself for it. Honestly, I feel ashamed at way I spoke to myself about this - using really abusive language and calling myself awful names. If I spoke to anyone like that in real life they would leave me and rightly so. It also occurred to me though that while I am incredibly abusive towards myself, I also respond to me in the way an abused person would (and yes, this is where it gets complicated/freaky/psychobabble like). So I try to hide in my bed, use mindless Internet games to stop me listening to myself, I don't do anything that I might get wrong in case I end up angry with myself again - basically I see me responding to myself the way my mum did with my dad. The bottom line is I don't feel safe in my relationship with myself.

I don't know if that makes any kind of sense to anyone but it feels like the best way to describe why I feel stuck with myself. I saw my therapist yesterday before all this happened and felt very detached and disengaged - I'm going to call her and see if she can fit me in again this week to try and sort this all out in my head but wondered if this sounded familiar to anyone else?

 

[mrsps]

Oh I can totally relate to this!

 

[fellowsufferer]

@Suzetig I can totally relate to your story: I'am my own worst enemy, much of the time. Like you, I'm also working on it, but is indeed very difficult! Hugs for you.

 

[Suzetig]

It's very difficult. I really struggle with self care, it always feels like fake care, if that makes sense. I'm now realising that I feel like the abusive husband who brings his wife flowers after beating her half to death - part of me doesn't believe I care about myself and part of me knows I only care until I screw something up, when I'll start beating myself to death again.

Unfortunate there aren't refuges for people who are emotionally abusive to themselves. My therapist is fitting me in tonight so hopefully I can make sense of myself better!

 

[The Albatross]

Relate to the analogy you shared about the abusive husband bringing his wife flowers. Very glad you are aware of the pattern and that you are getting in to see your T about the topic. I am interested to reed what he/she says.

From an article (food for thought?):
"What It Means to Love Yourself

Love is not only a feeling. It is a verb -- an action. Take a moment to think about what it means to love a baby.

• You listen for the baby's feelings and attend to distress immediately. You keep the baby monitor on when the baby is sleeping, so you know when the baby needs you.
• You hold and comfort the baby when he/she needs comforting, keeping your heart open to the baby so the baby feels your love and presence.
• You do all you can to create physical health for the baby.
• You mirror what is wonderful about the baby.
• You let the baby know, in many different ways, that he or she is vitally important to you.

Not only do you feel love for a baby -- you act on it. Now imagine that you have a baby inside you who needs all these same things. Loving yourself means:

• Embracing all your feelings with caring, compassion, gentleness, tenderness, and a desire to learn what your feelings are telling you. Just as a baby's feelings are informational, letting you know that the baby is hungry, lonely, physically hurting or uncomfortable, your feelings are also always informational. Your feelings are letting you know whether you are caring about yourself or abandoning yourself, whether others are being loving or unloving, whether a situation is safe or dangerous, whether you need to be kind and compassionate with the deeper feelings of heartbreak and grief.

• Learning to take responsibility for lovingly managing and regulating your feelings, rather than making others responsible for them.
• Staying open to learning with all your feelings, rather than avoiding the painful ones by numbing out with substances or activities.
• Learning to take loving action for yourself regarding your emotional and physical health, your financial health, your time and space and your interactions with others.
• Learning to value your true essence -- your core self, rather than defining yourself through your looks or performance.
• Giving yourself the approval that you might be seeking from others, rather than judging yourself. Valuing your effort way more than outcomes, and separating your worth from outcomes.
• Making your needs just as important to you as others' needs. Not meeting others' needs while ignoring your own. Not giving yourself up to get others' approval."

(Margaret Paul, PhD, source link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/how-to-love-yourself_b_3639075.html )


There is also an article here (Breaking Free of Emotional Bondage by Michele Toomey PhD, link: http://www.mtoomey.com/breakingfree.html )

"...
I often describe the moment when the oppressed confront their oppression by confronting themselves, as an awakening. It is not something one can prescribe. It is not something one can force. It is not something that one can predict. Yet, an awakening is something that only occurs when things are lined up in such a way that the integrity of the line-up sets the stage for the possibility of an awakening. Then, the integrity of our system seems to take over, and a spiritual moment involving a leap of faith, calls forth an "awakening". This "awakening" acts like a catalyst for clarity and insight that integrity creates. An "awakening" also inspires hope with the energy and light it generates. This hope allows an emotionally oppressed woman to recognize that she must and can do something to liberate herself. She must first yield to the hope and the force being generated, however. It has the potential to propel her to change her direction and move out of bondage and toward freedom, but she has to let go of her distrust and fear and dare to confront herself.

Without an "awakening" the break from emotional oppression cannot occur. The hold and deadening weight of victimization is too strong to move out of without the hope of an awakening. Without an awakening, the choice cannot be made to break free. Psychological liberation is not an intellectual exercise or an emotional response. Psychological liberation is an intimate experience within the self where everything is lined up in such a way that truth and integrity meet and the whole self is at one with itself at those moments. If this opportunity is taken advantage of, choice is restored and the whole self chooses at that moment to embrace its power and exercise it. Emotionally and cognitively it agrees to choose integrity and to live out of it. The journey out of bondage has begun.

Let us not presume that this is a crossroads that is confronted only once. An awakening must be revisited again and again. It is only a flash every once in awhile, that lights up the integrity path. Every day new choices must be made. When the familiar pattern of self-loathing, self-abuse, and self-doubt overwhelm the commitment to integrity and hope, the oppressed woman must pick herself up, search to discover what occurred to knock her down emotionally, and then caringly and firmly help herself up. She must then find her courage to commit herself again to choose integrity and liberation. Only then will she reconnect with the light and energy of the awakening.

The path out of bondage is not a straight line. It is a curved path of spirals and turns, of tears and struggle, of set-backs and discouragement. The grip of oppression is dangerous and seductively inviting because of its familiarity and deceptive corruption. However, the relief and the excitement that the integrity of an awakening creates within the tortured woman, has the potential and the power to turn her upside down and around, converting the downward pull of the hopelessness of despair into the inward draw of inspiration and hope in herself and the protection integrity provides her.

To break free of emotional bondage, an oppressed woman must value integrity, commit to live by it and with it, and then find the courage to dare to embrace it. A leap, rather, many leaps of faith, must be made, until she discovers she really wants to be a woman of integrity, and that she can be, and will be."

My own version is more akin to the second article about valuing integrity and endeavoring to commit to live by it... personal responsibility. I did a web seminar once where I wrote my own personal healing statement by a brain storm and rating process which included both action words and traits I valued. It was very beneficial and gave me a base point during the process.

You're "awake" and aware of the propensity... you're on you're way now to deal with it. (((Hugs for you)))

 

[Suzetig]

Thank you for this, too relate to the second article though I fear I'm just not ready to look at how I might love myself. I do feel I'm having an awakening of sorts. I've always known that I'm hard on myself, I'm shocked though at realising under that "hardness" is a really nasty streak that I use to berate and bully myself. The level of vitriol I direct at myself is truly breath taking and needs to stop, I'm just not sure how I do that. It your article is helping my thought process. I'll let you know how it goes with my therapist.

 

[Go Hungry]

I can definitely relate to this. My breath actually caught in my throat when I read it, so it's pretty clearly something that bothers me, even if I wasn't aware of it. Sometimes I am so ugly to myself that it's simply staggering. I say things that would get me slugged by another person. I've started catching myself on this; rarely, but still....

I think it's amazing how the mind can have so many different parts, with different attitudes. I don't think that it's a DID thing either. I know all sorts of people who do this sort of thing. Good post.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I completely relate to this - what a beautiful metaphor to describe my everyday experiences. I'll go for days pushing myself to the extreme, berating myself for perceived laziness and inability, then crash and treat myself to good care for a day or two ….

 

[Changing4Best]

I don't do these kinds of things to myself, though I do fall into total fear, which my mother did quite often. In the face of anger, I cringe. I am terrorized by it, and suffer for days afterward from the after effects of it. However, to myself, I am loving. Is there a way that you can find to comfort yourself instead of abuse yourself? It is just a thought.

 

[Suzetig]

Thanks for your replies - while I'm sorry other people go through this, it's comforting to know I'm not alone.

My therapist was so helpful with this, I've always struggled with expressing anger, it was never safe to do it as a child and I learned very early on to keep it under cover, to contain and manage it. The way I did manage was to turn it in on myself and I guess my episode yesterday was the bursting of that bubble in all it's vitriolic glory. There's been a long term situation I'm dealing with which has caused me enormous anger, which I've held on to - its often been the case that I've been sitting deeply hurt about the situation while my therapist has been as angry as I've been upset. So, the really horrible abusive stuff seems to be, for me at least, an expression of anger turned back on me.

I'm not sure if this was a one off thing or whether I've always been this harsh and am only now aware of it but I have a sense of how to process it and how to cope if it happens again. I can see a way forward though to possibly valuing myself more sincerely and managing anger in a more healthy way. Yet again I find myself thankful for a sensitive, attuned therapist who makes time for me.