Relationship In Love But Scared

[Desiree Gardner]

I have been dating a guy for a few months. I am madly in love with him and he is with me, although he refuses to acknowledge it... Instead he just ended the relationship suddenly for no reason other than he is scared. I know that some things happened when he was in Iraq, although he won't share details yet. He says he just needs space and time... I know he struggled for quite a while after he got back to the states. How do I let him know he deserves to be loved? How do I let him know I'm not going anywhere and that it's okay to love me back?

 

[Casey_03]

There is probably more to it than just him being scared. If there is some trauma from Iraq that he hasn't dealt with yet, he's a long long way from being ready to be in a relationship. That's not something you can fix just by loving someone. Telling him you love him will be utterly useless for him if he's dealing with trauma.

If he ended the relationship, I think you need to respect that and give him space. He's being open and honest and telling you he's not ready for it -- don't push him. Just because he has issues/PTSD/trauma doesn't mean he's incapable of making his own decisions. If he deals with his issues and later feels ready to be with you, he'll come around. But being pushy about it in the meantime will only make him run for the hills permanently.

If you've only been with him for a few months, it's also possible that he's just one of those guys that can't commit and runs at the first sign of seriousness.

 

[Desiree Gardner]

There is probably more to it than just him being scared. If there is some trauma from Iraq that he has...

I get that and appreciate your input. I'm the first girl he's introduced to his family in 9 years, so I definitely feel there's much more than the typical relationship. I've been in enough relationships to know the difference in getting an excuse cause they don't want to hurt your feelings and someone who actually cares deeply about me. I plan to just be patient with him, give him that space and time he needs, until God tells me otherwise, but was just hoping that someone else has been in this situation and might know how I'm supposed to handle myself in the mean time.

 

[joeylittle]

@Desiree Gardner - does he have PTSD, specifically?

 

[Kate Van Sant]

I have been dating a guy for a few months. I am madly in love with him and he is with me, altho...

Say that, just like you said it. You're giving him some space; knowing he deserves to be loved, and you'll be there for him when he's worked through his demons. (assuming that's true) My second husband was 100% service-connected disabled by the Veterans' Administration. Sometimes I had to step in and tell him he had to try different meds because he was getting worse, sometimes I had to talk him out of suicide. It was difficult, but he was worth it. One time he pushed me against a wall and lifted me up by my neck. I put both palms on his chest and softly said, "it's me, it's okay." When he came out of the flashback I told him he had two choices--either he check himself into the PTSD ward of the VA hospital, or I was going to call the sheriff and have him locked up. He went to the hospital, where one of the social workers surprised me by saying to him, "You need to take care of this woman, because she's not just your wife, she is something very rare to see around here; she's your friend." So it's tough living with this kind of thing, but the way I look at it is that they risked their lived for their country, and I'm serving my country by trying to build his trust. In the entire ward, there were days went by when I was the only visitor to anybody; it was very sad.

 

[Desiree Gardner]

@Desiree Gardner - does he have PTSD, specifically?

He was discharged due to his mental state after his best friend whom he was deployed with died. Yes he did.

 

[Desiree Gardner]

Say that, just like you said it. You're giving him some space; knowing he deserves to be loved,...

I want to be there for him and he has begged me to be his friend. I just can't right now because I'm too deeply hurt. I need to be able to separate my feelings for him before I can take that step.
He has never acted anything like that, I'm not sure he would but rather he does the opposite and runs.

 

[Cathy O.]

I'm more worried he is a suicide risk (the ultimate way of running away). All of his family and friends need to be with him whenever possible no matter his words and behavior. Clarify how horrible life is without him in it. Often times it is a test. Allowing people "time" often communicates the opposite of the intended and stated intentions and is taken as those they love and/or care about are obviously better off without them. Hope I'm wrong.

 

[Desiree Gardner]

I'm more worried he is a suicide risk (the ultimate way of running away). All of his family and friend...

Your post definitely is what I'm most worried about... Not necessarily the suicide part, but whether to give him his space or to try to communicate to let him know I'm here for him...

 

[Sweetpea76]

With PTSD people can get overwhelmed. Space is like breathing to some sufferers... they need it to survive. If you crowd them, they're going to freak out.

If he had asked for space and time, I'd give him space and time. Respect his boundaries.