Relationship In Need Of A Little More Advice

[Gingerly]

My ex-BF Sufferer and I continue to talk on the phone at least once a week. He actually has called me several times (which is a new thing), and in one of those recent conversations he told me how much he still loves me, misses me and talks about me to his friends. He said he still thinks about me all the time, but that we need to let things happen “naturally”. I’m not sure I understand exactly what he means. Could someone explain where they think he’s coming from.

This past Friday I called him and he told me he's updating his house but does not really know why since hardly anybody ever comes over. I said, “I would come over if you’d invite me” and he said, “…nah, I don’t think so.” I asked, “you’ll talk to me, but you won’t see me”? He said, “yeah”. I would appreciate someone explaining this to me too please, even though I think perhaps he said exactly what he feels and that he's quite simply not ready to see me but wants to continue to talk to me. Some advice would be welcomed ~

 

[AqueousAndroid]

This may be incorrect but it seems to me that he is trying desperately to distance himself from you, but he still loves you immensely, which is hard to sort out for lots of people. He may be taking time to work on himself ("Let things happen naturally") and that's why he has been saying that he doesn't want you at his house. It may just be that you both need some space? He's sending out mixed signals so I understand your confusion.

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah, mixed signals sounds completely right. I would say to give him his distance. If he picks it back up, fine; if not then it's probably best for both of you.

 

[Laura 2]

He said he still thinks about me all the time, but that we need to let things happen “naturally”.

To me 'we need to let things happen naturally' means:

'in the kindest way I know how, because I really like you and miss you, I am telling you to stop pressurising me, especially while I take care of myself'.

Not a mixed message but an actual, literal statement of where he is with your relationship and your needs v. his needs.

No lines to read between, nothing to sweat over or 'work through'.

Just find ways to take care of yourself - genuinely and not for the sake of marking time til he can engage with you again.

 

[Justmehere]

The fact that his contact with you is increasing and he is initiating it, while still also keeping space from you... It sounds like something I do when I want a relationship, but it is also overwhelming to be very close. For me, sometimes it has to do with the other person, sometimes it is just me and my stuff.

 

[Gingerly]

@Laura 2 Thank you for your reply. Actually, I had not been pressuring him. In fact, its been months since I've said anything about us getting together. I've been waiting for him to take the lead. During that same conversation we even spoke about a possible vacation in the near future. So, when he talked about not having very many visitors, I responded in what's a very normal way for me.

@Justmehere I agree with you ;-)

 

[Laura 2]

@Gingerly - Perhaps my apologies are in order? I wasn't meaning to suggest that you are/were actually pressurising your friend. That may be his perception from the sounds of it, or what you call 'not-pressuring' may certainly feel like 'too much pressure' to him. Your 'normal' may be 'too much' for him at the moment or, sadly, always.

For me, sometimes it is to do with the other person, sometimes it is just me and my stuff.

It seems that most with PTSD share a sort of reduced capacity, at times, to be able to 'be there' for others/our loved ones.

I would never have thought it possible of myself Before Trauma - but here I am tonight feeling anxious pressure rising because a much loved friend will be visiting tomorrow and will - even though she doesn't realise it - expect me to be able to participate in various business issues we have to discuss, she will also expect me to be much 'stronger' than I am. She has no idea how much I stress about her expectations yet she is the kindest, gentlest, most highly sensitive person I know. But I'm almost at the point of cancelling her visit.

I'm also sorry that PTSD seems to always demand such self-protecting and isolating behaviour. Thus it demands such great changes in those around us if they want to stay in our lives.

 

[Gingerly]

Your 'normal' may be 'too much' for him at the moment or, sadly, always.

No apologies necessary. What I quoted above is actually funny to me and would be funny to my ex BF because I'm from the big city (NY) and he is from a small town and we joked during our 4 years together about me being too much for him to handle. Well, at least I was joking... maybe he wasn't?

 

[Laura 2]

What I quoted above is actually funny to me and would be funny to my ex BF ... Well, at least I was joking... maybe he wasn't?

It's interesting that you lit only on something that you felt was funny and also assumed that your ex would too. That's almost into confirmation bias territory.
A lot of people deliver their truth in a jocular way. Could it be that there is a nugget of true reportage in what your ex told you?

 

[Lidia]

during our 4 years together

Hi Gingerly,
You had a 4 years long relationship with your ex. Was he a sufferer during that time? How was your relationship with him then?
Hugs for you, I have had a taste of this (6 months) and it is so so hard. You be strong.

 

[Gingerly]

@Laura 2, There certainly can be a nugget of true reportage in what my ex told me, but I tend to think not.
How are you feeling about your friend's visit today? Since she is a sensitive and caring friend, she will understand if you're not up to it.

@Lidia, My ex-BF is a Vietnam Vet so he's been a Sufferer for years, but was diagnosed after 9/11. He's 100% documented and certified mentally disabled through the VA. He had a lot of therapy and tried several medications until they found one that worked for him prior to our meeting. We were introduced through a mutual friend so I knew about his past. He was basically very mellow and calm and our relationship was so very loving and tender and we seldom had disagreements at all. And then, we had three arguments over the phone within one week and he ended the relationship. I used to be strong, like an oak tree, and now I'm a weeping willow. Hugs right back to you. How are you getting along?

 

[Laura 2]

@Gingerly
Thank you for asking about my friend's visit.
We actually had a good time - at least I did. Some retail therapy, a bit of sightseeing and a lovely lunch out, with yukky business stuff later, gently and well-contained, concise. I think she'd sort of intuitively planned to make the visit mostly about normal pleasant activities deliberately.

Everyone should have a friend like her. The world would be an amazing place!