sarahscott92
New Here
My apologies in advance for the long winded post.
I suffer from complex PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. As of October 14th I will have been sober for four years. I got sober at the age of 18 after multiple stints in rehab/sober living/intensive outpatient programs.
When I was six years old my parents divorced, and my dad has been absent from my life ever since. He has only been present a handful of times throughout my life, and each time it was a mandatory appearance (family week in rehab, group therapy in intensive outpatient once or twice...).
Very recently I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to be able to work through my history of complex trauma on my own. I found a therapist, who I absolutely love- and have been engaging with her twice a week for about 3 months now.
Last week I was instructed (by my therapist) to write a letter to my father expressing any emotions or resentments I've harbored (in regard to our relationship, or rather the lack there of) in the sixteen years since he made his initial departure from my life.
For quite some time I've known that he had been diagnosed (on multiple occasions) with co-occurring Anti-Social and Narcissistic Personality disorders. I understood the general implications of such disorders but it wasn't until I had written an entire page (in the letter) professing my belief that "if only he were to come see me, talk to me in person he might begin to forgive himself," that I realized the gravity of his diagnoses. It suddenly became abundantly clear to me that my father suffers from an illness over which he has little to no control-- a sickness that inhibits him from making genuine connections with other people-- one that explains his inability to show and/or feel love for my mom and I (or anyone else for that matter).
It was as if my brain had been keeping a secret from me, I'd read the list of criteria for both disorders multiple times without realizing that there was a very obvious, clinical reason for his behavior and in the grand scheme of things, his absence as well.
When I began the letter, I thought I would be grieving his absence in vain-- because I was still holding onto a tiny, tiny bit of hope that someday he would love me back. Someday he'd come around.
When I came to this grand realization that there was no hope for a real relationship with him, and that my brain was capable of suppressing such seemingly obvious pieces of information, I felt a sudden onset of situational depression... Dissociation has become a routine event since that day last week. These symptoms of PTSD were once the bane of my existence, I was plagued by flashbacks, night terrors, dissociation, and depressive thoughts --constantly... But over time, the symptoms became less frequent.
I am terrified that as I continue to work through other trauma in therapy, the symptoms will once again present themselves on a daily basis-- controlling my every thought, every action. I am so afraid of what I've been suppressing... of what my brain might be hiding from me.
To give you a brief overview of my trauma history (after that long winded explanation) I'll just list some of my experiences....
Paternal Abandonment, Maternal Neglect, Abusive Step Father, Family addiction (everyone), sexually assaulted at the age of 15, raped at the age of 16, verbally and physically abused by an ex boyfriend, sudden loss of my best friend (struck and killed by an amtrack train on his 20th birthday), suicide of another close friend.... god, the list goes on and on...
I don't want it to seem as though I'm begging for pity, and I really hope this post hasn't come across in that manner. I just don't feel comfortable expressing this fear (or any emotions that put me in a vulnerable position) in any other environment... It feels like I just cant seem to relate to other 22-year-olds, which sucks. I'd like to know how some of you have dealt with complex trauma...maybe some suggestions on managing the symptoms...or maybe some of you have had similar experiences.
I would sincerely appreciate ANY insight you guys might have for me as it relates to working through complex trauma.
So sorry for the long-winded post...
-Sarah
I suffer from complex PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. As of October 14th I will have been sober for four years. I got sober at the age of 18 after multiple stints in rehab/sober living/intensive outpatient programs.
When I was six years old my parents divorced, and my dad has been absent from my life ever since. He has only been present a handful of times throughout my life, and each time it was a mandatory appearance (family week in rehab, group therapy in intensive outpatient once or twice...).
Very recently I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to be able to work through my history of complex trauma on my own. I found a therapist, who I absolutely love- and have been engaging with her twice a week for about 3 months now.
Last week I was instructed (by my therapist) to write a letter to my father expressing any emotions or resentments I've harbored (in regard to our relationship, or rather the lack there of) in the sixteen years since he made his initial departure from my life.
For quite some time I've known that he had been diagnosed (on multiple occasions) with co-occurring Anti-Social and Narcissistic Personality disorders. I understood the general implications of such disorders but it wasn't until I had written an entire page (in the letter) professing my belief that "if only he were to come see me, talk to me in person he might begin to forgive himself," that I realized the gravity of his diagnoses. It suddenly became abundantly clear to me that my father suffers from an illness over which he has little to no control-- a sickness that inhibits him from making genuine connections with other people-- one that explains his inability to show and/or feel love for my mom and I (or anyone else for that matter).
It was as if my brain had been keeping a secret from me, I'd read the list of criteria for both disorders multiple times without realizing that there was a very obvious, clinical reason for his behavior and in the grand scheme of things, his absence as well.
When I began the letter, I thought I would be grieving his absence in vain-- because I was still holding onto a tiny, tiny bit of hope that someday he would love me back. Someday he'd come around.
When I came to this grand realization that there was no hope for a real relationship with him, and that my brain was capable of suppressing such seemingly obvious pieces of information, I felt a sudden onset of situational depression... Dissociation has become a routine event since that day last week. These symptoms of PTSD were once the bane of my existence, I was plagued by flashbacks, night terrors, dissociation, and depressive thoughts --constantly... But over time, the symptoms became less frequent.
I am terrified that as I continue to work through other trauma in therapy, the symptoms will once again present themselves on a daily basis-- controlling my every thought, every action. I am so afraid of what I've been suppressing... of what my brain might be hiding from me.
To give you a brief overview of my trauma history (after that long winded explanation) I'll just list some of my experiences....
Paternal Abandonment, Maternal Neglect, Abusive Step Father, Family addiction (everyone), sexually assaulted at the age of 15, raped at the age of 16, verbally and physically abused by an ex boyfriend, sudden loss of my best friend (struck and killed by an amtrack train on his 20th birthday), suicide of another close friend.... god, the list goes on and on...
I don't want it to seem as though I'm begging for pity, and I really hope this post hasn't come across in that manner. I just don't feel comfortable expressing this fear (or any emotions that put me in a vulnerable position) in any other environment... It feels like I just cant seem to relate to other 22-year-olds, which sucks. I'd like to know how some of you have dealt with complex trauma...maybe some suggestions on managing the symptoms...or maybe some of you have had similar experiences.
I would sincerely appreciate ANY insight you guys might have for me as it relates to working through complex trauma.
So sorry for the long-winded post...
-Sarah
