In Need Of Comfort And Supportive Words...

[Flyaway]

Last night I was so exhausted, but I didn't sleep at all! The darkness felt like a threat... I kept getting flashes of abusers coming into my room, and being forced by my mother to say goodnight to K - which meant him taking advantage of the situation and me.

On the day that most people are celebrating their fathers, I am cursing the man who donated his sperm. My mum saw herself as this incredibly righteous, long suffering woman who was devoted to her husband and God. Her God is definitely not my God. Countless times I have wanted to shout at her "PLEASE!!! PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAD AN AFFAIR!!! AND THAT CREEP ISN'T REALLY RELATED TO ME!!!???

On this fathers day- amidst all the flashbacks, I keep thinking: why??? HOW COULD YOU??? How could you take an innocent, loving, beautiful, helpless baby and not want to protect and love her??? How could you keep trying to force (0mmitted- I don't want to trigger anyone else with too much detail), and touch me in an physically and emotionally destructive way??? How could you continue to lie to me and everyone else about your sickness? How could you continue to destroy me in even worst ways as I grew - and teach your son to do the same to me??? You murdered me.

My prayer:
Please give me justice, I've waited so long- too long. I have suffered more than anyone should have to suffer. I continue to suffer everyday with the far reaching effects of their abuse.

I always thought that if I worked incredibly hard to heal, and undo all the damage inflicted on me; that if I separated myself from all the abusive people and the people who encourage abuse by doing nothing... That you would reward me with safety, and good, decent, genuine people in my life.

I've done my best, regardless of my suffering, to keep my heart open and trust that things will get better. So far the people who have come my way have used me, betrayed me, lied to me, broken me again and again.

I suppose that I should thank you for giving me the strength to get back up each time I fall. I guess I should also thank you for the perspective and vision you've given me- that keeps me moving forward and motivated to be the best person I can be.

But I'm angry at you! How long will you allow me to live in fear of the people who have hurt me??? When will you give me justice??? How can you allow them to live? We both know they are still destroying innocent children's lives. Haven't I suffered enough??? PLEASE GIVE ME JUSTICE!!!

 

[Red Dog]

This was really hard for me to read this. I have definitely felt that way about my mother, too, and really my whole family. Sometimes I think that if my abuser were dead, I would feel peace. I think I will feel a lot better.

I have suffered more than anyone should have to suffer. I continue to suffer everyday with the far reaching effects of their abuse.

I think that was the part that really hit home for me. Every single day I feel it. Even though I'm healing year by year, a lot of times it doesn't feel like it.

I am finally in a relationship with someone I feel I can be safe with and vulnerable and whom I love very much and he's telling me he wants to move out, I don't know what's going to happen....we've been struggling for a while, but it's that feeling deep down inside, that anger of knowing I can't even receive love or be in a healthy relationship because of this shit. It's so infuriating. I can't think of anything that hurts worse. It's like you said, it's somewhat redeeming to think that at least now, as adult, you can feel safe with people, but your heart gets broken again and again. What's worse is that I can't tell if it's my own pattern of defeat cause by PTSD or him or both of us. I don't know what the f*ck to think anymore.

 

[Flyaway]

I get it! God it hurts! I would totally feel better if they were dead... I think the whole world would feel better for it. They are incapable of stopping themselves from preying on the vulnerable and destroying lives.

 

[Flyaway]

Why can't law enforcement make lie detector tests compulsory when people reach a certain age... And weed the destroyers out.

We shouldn't have to feel this hurt!!! I feel like I've been given a life sentence. If I were to add up everything I have ever done wrong, It still wouldn't even come close to all this pain and hurt being just/fair.

 

[stephanie44]

What happened to you, as you know, was not your fault, but you are still left to deal with the painful aftermath. Sometimes the hardest part for me is the feeling that nobody really understands the, "There must be something wrong with me" thinking that goes on, that there just seems to be something missing. I have found good, safe, caring people to have in my life as friends but as you wrote, the PTSD still remains and it can be so hard to deal with. But you are worth it and your life is worth living and I know everyone here would be upset if you were not here. Last night I just bought the updated version of the book, The Courage To Heal - I am not sure if you have heard of this book...

 

[ashdawn8287]

Flyaway im sending my love and prayers your way. Have been thinking and praying for you all weekend. We will chat tomorrow. Hang in there beautiful!

<3

 

[Flyaway]

Thanks Ashley :) my prayers are with you too!

Stephanie, I haven't heard of the book- sounds good though! I might look at it after I've finished working through 'healing the trauma of abuse' with Ashdawn... You're welcome to join if you like? Thanks for the reassuring words- it's really hard to see through the hurt sometimes.

 

[KrispyKreme]

Sending you all my support Flyaway.

You do not deserve such pain and the injustice that was done to you. You are beautiful!

Take care of yourself.
KK

 

[aloha1983]

I am so sorry you are hurting and that these people hurt you.

I know God and their "God" is not the real Lord. No way, not even close! I have been really, really angry at him as I was in a relationship with a man whose insane behaviour turned out to be Borderline Personality Disorder.
I still suffer the physiological effects of the stress and trauma with panic attacks and PTSD.

Sometimes there is no reason why innocent people get targeted and hurt. I find the only way is to look at what I can control and work towards. How can I create beautiful, healthy relationships with others? How can I put in boundaries or no contact with those who hurt me in the past?

I hope you know how much you deserve peace and for your life to get better.

 

[DMerish]

Flyaway,

Your post was painful to read. I am so sorry that you've suffered because of your family's selfishness and ignorance.

I haven't gone through anything like what happened to you. It would be hypocritical for me to say "I understand" what happened to you. But I do understand, from my own (different type of) experience what being abused does to someone, and what abuse does to children. It is not right. It is despicable. Unconscionable. And I am sorry for the pain and sense of injustice you feel - That is completely understandable.

Sending you lots of (((hugs))) and a sincere wish that your healing journey is deep and whole.

Drew