In Public With Loud Children-- Do You Say Anything?

[Friday]

I appreciate the replies this has generated and everything that's informed them. I understand why this is a sensitive subject all around, and I don't want to make light of that.

I do, however, want to attempt to bring this back to the crux of my initial question, which was what the best course of action is in the moment when I'm trying to go about my day and the loudness of screaming children with *seemingly* inattentive parents is triggering and incredibly disruptive.

Try thinking of it this way... If you're triggered by military uniforms... Should you go up and speak to the soldiers? So they can take themselves out of your sight?

Nope.

Our triggers are our own responsibility to deal with.

 

[ms spock]

Personally I engage the child and/or parents directly.

Depending on the age of the child I do a number of things:

Tell the child that they are obviously very smart for doing X skill and ask them how they learnt to do it.
Tell the parent/s their child is simply adorable and beautiful and tell the child that as well.
Comment on an obviously favourite piece of clothing and talk about it e.g a spiderman costume.
Tell them stories.
Discuss a previous purchase - if they are holding something.
Sing nursery rhymes.

On planes I ask their opinons and ask them about their favorite things. Proactive and pre emptive - a child bewitched by your interest does not vocalise loudly.

Ask the parent if the child/children are sleeping through yet.

Engaging in conversations that are age appropriate.

Ask the children most likely to destroy something or break something if they would mind keeping an eye on my trolley or etc. Young people love to be trusted and included.

Ask them what I should get as a present for my friend's kids who are approximately their age.

I ask the parents how old the kids are, that I can see that the child is very smart and must keep them on their toes, often parents laugh and say yes.

Parents often thank me and other members of the public will say I never thought of saying that or interacting like that or just quietly thank me.

I am a chatty person who is good at interacting with people.

At a park or a picnic I can ask the parents is it okay if I chase your kids around? And the kids like that and it gets a hell of a lot of energy out.

We had two highly spirited youngsters at B's Birthday so I gave them water pistols and got them to wet B. The parents were trying to tell the kids not to do that, and I said I am the naughty adult who not only suggested it but gave them the water pistols and refilled them for them. The parents were trying not to laugh by the end of it.Then we played card games and so forth for the rest of the afternoon. Run 'em like ponies - get all that excess energy out and it becomes much quieter.

I can have periods with severe noise sensitivity and when noises trigger me so then I go for more of the quieter options at that point.

I guess leaving is a good option at that point.

 

[Rumors]

I have one child, he never had a melt down in public. He had a schedule where he took naps, ate regularly, and had play time. So much of kid melt downs are because they are tired, hungry, or over stimulated. I think it is up to the parents to use good judgement in traveling to public places. However, if a child knows that "no" means "no", it makes situations like these far easier. If my son became testy in public, I could say, "son, we don't act like this especially in public...if you are sad or angry or tired, you can tell me and we can make a plan." He would say, "ok, mom..I'm tired" and it was that easy with him. I have been blessed with an exceptional child!!! He really learned to use his words well as a child. However, I had to be willing to listen and follow through. Screaming kids are just trying to communicate an unfulfilled need. As parents, we have to listen and teach our kids ways to communicate their needs without screaming in public. However, I think kids having a melt down here and there is totally normal, but as a parent I wouldn't just sit there and ignore it.

 

[ms spock]

My mother taught second grade and she took Sugar Daddy candy on field trips and gave it to the worn out hungry kids on the way home. It glued their teeth together and they were quiet.

LMAO! Best laugh of the day! Thanks for that!

My sister used to take her three kids grocery shopping but pretended she was their Aunt if they acted up.

Creative and witty! I like it.

 

[ms spock]

For example, I see a mom with her hands full and more than one kid on a sidewalk and one of the kids looks like he's about to dart into the parking lot...I would gently intervene by getting in the child's way and reminding him he needs to wait for his parent or adult before he leaves the sidewalk. This is usually met with a thank you from a grateful parent for assistance in averting a potentially dangerous situation.

This is the way forward, for me, personally.

As a person who didn't have children but did have huge responsibilities with her three sisters and two brothers I see that if there is anyway to assist a parent, in a supportive, non judgemental way then that is the way to go. If I, as a new person, say to a child about to have a meltdown, wow those shoes that you are wearing today are pretty special, the child will stop and consider me quizzically for a few moments. Usually the parent's will jump in and comment about the shoes - their genealogy of sorts.

 

[ms spock]

Its like telling someone to get used to the beatings as you start to numb them out over time and don't feel it anymore.

I don't think you can really compare this. With such beatings you are small and unable to leave, with noise, if it is that bad then you can leave.

 

[ms spock]

@zeropoint That. In my opinion that is about the sum total of what you're entitled to do in these situations. You can give a parent a dirty look and hope that it gets your point across. But confronting them or interfering isn't really acceptable.

Actually, your original question was what you are entitled to do or say in the way of interfering with other people's parenting skills. I think that's been answered. Nothing.

I think that is it, really.

 

[sun seeker]

I had started to feel really hurt by a few of the comments on this thread and was giving myself some time to cool off and get my thoughts in order before writing a post about social responsibility and the future that awaits a society that is so quick to judge parents. I was still fuming too much to get started when I opened the thread again, and was glad I did because others, especially @Ms Spock and @catjudo, have already made such positive, proactive posts. Thanks guys. You did a better job than I could have.

 

[catjudo]

I've had some time to think about this a bit more and I would pose this question: If you're a person who is of the mindset that children shouldn't be in public places because they can become loud or unruly and that would trigger you...how on earth do you ever expect them to learn appropriate behavior if they're not given the opportunity to put it into practice? Proper manners at home or school do not always translate to shopping or restaurant manners. Children must be given an opportunity to learn and practice these skills lest we end up with a society with even more ill behaved adults.

 

[ms spock]

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron might be of interest to you @zeropoint - it has some strategies in it which might be of use.

 

[ms spock]

I actually went away and had many thoughts about how selfish, entitled and really sad that this thread is, it really is quite disturbing to read people being so harsh and uncaring about other members of our society, particularly children and parents.

It is like a lot of people have turned in to cranky, stingy old people with no tolerance, way before their time. With no awareness that the parents might have PTSD, like they have PTSD. If someone's trigger is annoying, selfish people who are not tolerant of children being children - can they ban you from the places that they might have to go? The world is not there to owe you a living or make up for what you missed out on. I really find this thread quite eye opening in a way I haven't seen a lot of people before.

It is actually self indulgence to an incredible level, that is profoundly sad.

If you have no generosity of spirit - then you miss out on a lot. I have seen incredible changes in people doing "The Happiness Advantage" and other such challenges - and a component of that is service to the community, random acts of kindness, helping out others, being generous, doing things for other people like paying their toll or for a coffee for the next person. This makes you feel more connected to your communities and gives you the sense of not always being obsessed about your own difficulties. It is important to grow in this way, or you truly miss out on having a connected life and community based life. Some of the richest and most powerful people do these types of exercises to keep themselves in that type of energy, it can make such a huge difference to your experience of your day. I would suggest giving it a go.

 

[Cool Cat]

Once I actually had a panic attack in a hotel bar because there was a toddler crying. It was horrible, I wonder if they knew I was having it.

I would never give out to a child for being loud because I think children have the right to be loud, annoying, to scream and to shout when they want to. I was always made be quiet but I think it's unfair to control or admonish a loud child under normal circumstances.

I leave the room if I can, if I cant I concentrate on my breathing and hope for the best.