General In The Background..

[doustin]

So for the record, this is my first time doing any of this.

I am currently engaged to someone with PTSD from a sexually abusive childhood. The flashbacks and break downs of old repression barriers seem to be caving in on one another within her mind, causing her to lash out with all of the severe PTSD symptoms in full form.

I've had to deal with many traumatic experiences in my life, but this is the only one I've cared about to this extent, or at least it's the only one I haven't been able to simply bottle up and leave for later.

She has been confiding in me little by little, but I still haven't been able to figure out how to truly reach her. The more she tells me, the more I come to understand her behaviors and emotions. However, she has done things that under normal circumstances I would have never forgiven anyone for doing.

She has remained in a somewhat constant contact with one of her ex loves who turns out to have had similar PTSD experiences in his childhood as well. She claims to love me with all of her heart and every fiber of my very being wishes to believe her and return that love unconditionally, but I am constantly stumbling across hints, clues, and sometimes blatant evidence of her doing things with the person that she shouldn't be doing if she holds true to any of the love she claims to have for me. They have sexual conversations and I've found things where she claims to still love him and wants to help/fix him, probably hoping it will fix herself somehow, or at least make her feel better. He lives across the country and has not been a part of her life for a long time, but as our relationship progresses I can't seem to ignore all of the background noise between them.

I think that she honestly believes that she would be better off with him simply because he has PTSD that closely resembles hers. It seems like an infatuation; a fixation. perhaps I'm the one with the fixation in the end, but I'm never 100% sure either way.

With both of them going through these experiences at relatively the same time, I fear the end result will be nothing but disastrous if they were to ever try anything seriously (or maybe the human in me is just extremely jealous and pathetic), and I don't want it to ruin this beautiful thing I have spent my entire life searching for. All I know is that I love this woman with all that I am and ever will be, and I can't stand the thought of giving up on her or losing her.

I try to be understanding as much as humanly possible. I have listened to her stories regarding the PTSD and I am always battering my brain with a persistent swarm of ways to help her, but in the end I always feel as though I have failed her because I can't cure her. We have talked about possible therapy and have been moving towards it actually, but I'm not sure if she will actually go through with it.

Each time I find her doing something behind my back I feel the most intense stabbing emptiness within myself; a feeling that is only truly rivaled by that of how I feel when I can tell she is having a hard time with her PTSD and I can't seem to save her. For the life of me I cannot figure out whether she is doing any of these things against my trust because she has PTSD, or because I am a complete and utter moron who allows people to use them to feel better while looking for something else.

Is it wrong to use PTSD as an excuse? Is it wrong not to allow someone with it to do so? We've only talked about some of the trust issues she's created, but there are still more I keep finding that I am honestly afraid to even bring up because of how defensive and reclusive she may become (afraid that it will undo all of the progress).

I wish I could take her mind and force it into my soul so she can see and understand how much I love her and how much I would give anything and everything that I am in order to make her past go away. There is no ignorance as to how difficult this will be on my part, but I fear that she will let things take her over before we can realize our potential and make everything work out.

I was driven to this site on a whim, hoping that maybe other peoples experiences could add to my knowledge..so please, anyone feel free to respond seriously.

<Edited for capitalization and paragraph breaks inserted for readability>

 

[ProudWife99]

doustin - I'm sorry to hear you're hurting. Sounds to me like you're in a difficult place and unsure of how to progress forward in fear of creating even more distance between the two of you. As I both suffer from PTSD and am married to someone who has PTSD I can respond to this from two perspectives.

As a sufferer I understand her connection. I stayed in contact with my ex not because it was healthy for me, but because the unhealthiness of the relationship made me feel normal. Being surrounded by people who wanted to help exhausted me. I didn't want help all of the time, I wanted someone to accept me just the way I was. It didn't make it right, but I do understand.

As a supporter, PTSD is not an excuse for bad behavior. It can be used that way, but it shouldn't be treated that way. PMS doesn't give me the right to walk into work and tell everyone to leave me alone because I'm irritable and grouchy. Being diagnosed with cancer doesn't give that person the right to walk around the earth causing emotional destruction. I think it is extremely unfair, but you're certainly not a moron for caring. You'll see people on this board talk about setting boundaries. This is a situation that desperately calls for them. Support is one thing, but sexual innuendoes and ignoring how you feel about their relationship shouldn't be acceptable to you. You're worth more than that and until you see yourself that way she won't either.

The hard truth of it is this: When you set boundaries you can often run the risk of losing that person. If you don't set boundaries you will most certainly lose yourself.