In the impact zone

Friday

Moderator
but I guess I am not supposed to post other famous folks quotes on here.
Mod Note

It wasn’t the quote that was the problem; it was the copy/paste from the dictionary site, talking about the quote.

For any Q’s pertaining to the copyright warning, or this note, please hit us up over at Contact Us 🙂

& now back to the thread at hand!
 

PlainJane

Moderator
Hey @Dolce, I was reading your thread and I think that it might be best if it was moved over to the diary section, as it seems to be a spot that has transformed from an anxiety query to a place where you're writing thoughts about what's going on in your life. It is a good start to a diary and I think you may find it beneficial for it to be 'that kind' of space. If you have ANY questions about this move, please don't hesitate to ask me in the Contact Us section.
 

Dolce

Learning
Im rather frustrated and yes anxious. Today or in general maybe I write diary style. I wrote under hypervigilance/anxiety forum b/c I have to be in my life and it produces much anxiety. And so yes I am talking about my life as I believe maybe some others do at length in forums. Today was a hard day and I mentioned some health probs as a result of prob as an effect of my PTSD anxiety and forced hypervigilance. Also the watching and moving of my threads is anxiety producing. I am not going to ? it but this is my style of writing, I guess stream of consciousness style and sharing with others. I will have to google diaries I guess but I have a unique sensitive way of expressing myself and not many safe places to do so. I was unaware forums had to be about queries the fancy word for questions. I have seen folks post about their life in them but perhaps I did it too much??? I seem to get the message I don't fit in boxes anywhere nicely despite meaning well. Thx.
 

Sideways

Moderator
Mod Note:
I seem to get the message I don't fit in boxes anywhere nicely despite meaning well.
Not at all - it's totally fine. We're just attempting to keep the progress you're making on this issue together, and in Trauma Diaries you have the flexibility to go as far off topic from your opening post as you like, as well as continuing on with the original issue.

You haven't done anything wrong, and you're welcome to chat to us about how best to structure this by hitting us up at Contact Us.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
It's not about your style of writing, it's about how you and others can easily find your thread. We all have received some redirection in the past, try not to take it personally. This is a unique site and one that encourages healing. Whatever they can do to make it easier to get around is great in my book. I'm enjoying talking to you, keep writing.
 
Being estranged from your family will only add further to your loneliness.

Living alone can be hard work and expensive. Financial help is harder to get - compared to someone with children. When you're ill/depressed.....There's no-one to take care of you.....Being alone can have benefits, yet come at a high price.

The conflict with your mother is due to her not acknowledging the mistakes she made in the past. Deep underneath, she's seriously questioning her reasons for the way she treated you and could be experiencing regret. She believes the need to be protected from you - yet has to convince herself of this.

There are times when it takes much courage to admit that we have done something wrong. One way of avoiding this challenge is to forever seek confirmation that you are the cause of her troubles. One thing your mother will be aware of . That's the impending reality that she could be in need of your help one day. She's getting older, lonely and facing the certainty of a future devoid of companionship. Her anger towards you may be due to insecurity and fear.

This ongoing, unresolved conflict with your mother could be the cause for further arguments with other people you engage with in everyday life. You feel the need to 'raise those defences' when interacting with people and this suddenly escalates into aggression on both sides. You become defensive whilst the other person becomes defensive and this quickly becomes an anger filled argument.

Your experience with the 'medical community' demonstrates this. As you complain to them, you start to get angry. In turn, one of their members - such as the doctor or receptionist - starts to get agitated. It's only fair to agree. When members of the medical profession become aware that they could have made a mistake regarding your care, they can become rather defensive. A lot of anger, frustration and arguing. Yet not getting your problems resolved and your needs met. This becomes unproductive for everyone.

From reading your posts, you are having a really hard time dealing with a multitude of people and this must have a deep impact on your self-confidence. All of this conflict with others is not going to help you.

Put everything you've written into a simple sentence or two and look at it.....

How you are living at present is causing you much unhappiness. The time has come to work out a plan in order to make changes and create a new life for yourself. Decide what you are unhappy about and how you can make some positive changes.

Firstly. You are forever haunted by your mother and the relationship that appears to have deteriorated over the years. This may be an underlying cause for your feelings of anger and anxiety. All of what you are writing on here about your mother could be discussed with a counsellor/therapist. The conflict with your mother is taking over your life. Your mother has treated you unfairly and you are living the legacy of her unjust treatment. The counselling should help come to terms with how you were treated and appreciate that her treatment need not define you.

Your mother is reflecting on her own life - if only out of self-pity. Facing the realisation that she may need you. Family breakdowns can be irretrievable - resulting in many life regrets - and your mother knows this. Of course. This is your decision and it is understandable why you don't want a relationship with her. She has made decisions in her life that have resulted in your own problems. She may regret her previous relationship decisions, such as standing by your stepdad at whatever cost to you. There can be complex reasons for this - as in many abusive oriented relationships.

Perhaps compromise, boundary setting and taking things slowly may help towards re-connecting with your mother.

Everyone seems to turn against you. You are approached with anger, bullying and accusations of secret filming. The questions here....Why is this happening? Why you?Sometimes in order to find the answer, you need to understand the people and their situations. Although these people are 'out to get you', it has little to do with you as a person. All the people are angry because of their own situation. They are expressing their frustrations and anger towards you because they have nowhere (or no-one) else to direct this at.

There's your mother for a start. Someone who feels the need to blame her daughter and express anger or other negative behaviour because she's struggling to come to terms with her own mistakes. Many parents put the blame on their children because they feel that they have missed out on opportunities to progress with their own lives. It's sad, but this is just the way it is.

Take the man who abused you at the auction because you asked some questions. People don't like it when someone does something that others want to do - but haven't the courage to do. The end result is hostility. You write about this man regularly suing the police. He may tell everyone that he sues the police in order to gain attention. Pointing his phone at you was his way of being threatening.

Then there's your battle with the medical professionals. Overworked. Underpaid. Undervalued. Dealing with several 'caseloads' at any one time. Do they make mistakes?.....Many paid the price for not being able to attend a routine/preliminary appointment due to the Covid lockdowns. Your conflict with the medical profession is the result of you not having your initial needs met, followed by you becoming angry and upset. The doctors/hospital are not able to meet your needs and are well aware of the insufficient care that you - and others - are receiving. The doctors express their frustrations at you. Then you respond with anger. Here. Both parties are trying to deal with a bad situation.

It's time to start making some changes. The counselling should help to deal with your personal issues.

Try to make some peace with your mother. Further reading on self-assertiveness techniques will help resolve any disputes with service providers/businesses. A calm approach is needed.

As for hating where you live. Have you considered moving away? Where would you like to live? Wherever we live. There are both positive and negative aspects.

It's hard. There's no simple answer that will enable you to live peacefully alongside these people. You cannot change the people, nor the environment - but you can make small changes to find peace within yourself.
 

Dolce

Learning
I read this on a Saturday and it brought me nearly to tears because it is the longest most thoughtful reply delving into my life and issues. I would say more so than therapists have tried to analyze my situation you have put thought into it....especially poignantly and eloquently and incisively talking about the Mother daughter relationship. Well I do appreciate immensely the thought you put into this response and into what I wrote. I may not agree with all of it and well I do go to counseling but the person every week simply says how are you and I rehash some painful experience. I don't know that I am gaining big insights or learning skills that I need to overcome my rampant PTSD and anxiety and actually I think I do have some displaced anger issues. Since I cannot was not allowed to assert myself in my home environment without being beat up, called a bitch or abused in some way gaslit or finally sued and put on trial for my own abuse then my anger which is justified gets misdirected. I don't know that it often went to medical professionals but one time I can admit I got "sassy" with a receptionist who was rude to me about scheduling a Cat Scan I direly needed. She said she wasn't able to and was being very flip and telling me to "sit down." Well yeah we had an unpleasant interchange. And I was taken to task on this. My gastro care was terrible and I did finally after two years file an official complaint within the health system and seemed to be heard by an advocate. What will come of it I don't know. I was told by other med professionals that these med professionals did not meet their legal obligations and even maybe violated them. Could I vindictively go after them and write complaints on nursing liscences perhaps but I probably won't go that route. They were ugly and vindictive, why? Because I called them out on their mistakes I believe. Maybe also because they sensed I had some "mental problems" and anxiety so here in central Pa( not the most progressive place at all or gender equal ) I was an easy target. I was often told inappropriately that I was an " anxious female" at this department and was demeaned and minimized in relation to my talking about my physical issues. That is not my perception that was fact. They accused me of things I flat out didn't do and even called my new provider to say tell her she's no longer our patient, something I had told them months prior albeit in a fiery way b/c of a certified letter accusing me of minor and or false things and I had said that very week I am no longer a patient and was being very polite trying to call them lastly about a test result I needed and had a legal right to which they denied to me but finally they did send to my new provider but not without calling them first confusing them and saying tell her this (overbearing and probable Hippa violation mean and not needed) and also confused them saying I believe that they didn't order the test they ordered! If they can't know what tests they ordered or have correct dxs that line up with cat scans for 6 months with me telling them via email what my dxs were....then idk....That did make me angry. I don't enjoy feeling like the smarter person in my medical care in fact that scares me and it was of course frustrating and angering b/c all the while I was talked to like an idiot. Oh I think I finally said that, that they talked to me like an imbecil after 2 years straight of bullying. Btw they are paid well. Also my P.A said they have the time to do that sort of petty stuff?? She said it didn't look good on them. I worried how it would look to me and possibly affect my med care to the negative at my new practice and I believe this was their malicious intention and nothing else because I had emailed them thrice that week saying I am no longer a patient of yours but I would like my test results and also pls forward them, rather reasonable polite requests. It was that things had been bad there and that they were biased towards me. To try and figure out why people bully and or discriminate can make a person crazy though since I am in the end responsible for my behavior, not theirs. I did what I could do for now and that's to complain w/in the system. Do I think anything major will happen out of it? Not really but hopefully they won't harrass me any more, and maybe think before acting like this again but who knows. It's their problem. It was a circular bad traumatic experience to the extreme which did not help my health or PTSD. So is my family life to the extreme and I live it unfortunately every day! I feel on an endless loop with it and it seems to be maybe killing me. I thought even about being evaluated for inpatient care today. There is not the best psychiatric care or housing helps here but I am trying. I am trying to reach out to any and all helps. I am not the " angry" person my Mom depicted me as but I can have not good interactions with ppl I find incompetent and I guess they would like to think the same about me but they are wrong. My Mom also tried to portray me this way and it hurts. Sometimes I feel this way b/c of being bogged down by the past every day almost every minute and being in pain and struggling with alcahol addiction. I do because I don't know how to calm my anxiety sometimes. Ppl sometimes ask, Do you get prof helps which I feel is a way to say are you mental? A man said this in a grocery store b/c i can't fake it I think and he said how are you and I said stressed also I get dizzy spells at times. One time some woman said that to me in a Goodwill line, " Do you have mental problems?" and I got angry and defensive of course. I was about to tell her something about my family. I am an anxious fearful person and there's reason for it. Do I want to be this way? No. That is a cruel stigmatizing question. Also my Mom made me answer about this on the stand too....one of the few things my terrible lawyer objected to but I chose to bravely answer anyways. My Mom proposes to be about peoples civil rights and prisoner rights but what did she do to me? It's alot of anger to get over and maybe I would try. I really would. I wanted form and function w her. I begged her for this for months prior to the PFA. It wasn't possible w her husband alive. I had done the cardinal sin two years ago of saying he drank and drove w an open container w us kids (myself and my half sister) in the car. I had been confronting about the abuse prior to that too. It's not that I wanted to fight it's that I think I wanted her and or John to admit they were wrong and you are right this is something hard for people to do. It's not hard for me to do I think when I think or know I have done something truly wrong. I then do feel remorse and regret. My Mom said I took pleasure in doing hurtful things. Never. And I think John did and maybe she actually did at a point. It got sadistic. Do I want a relationship with her someday? I don't know. Should I either and some most people say no. It's an open wound that she left. My last words to my Mom were loving and the last words via text were about let's work together in love two days after I was assaulted and the last two words...." Good luck". It haunts me I don't know if it does her b/c she can compartmentalize. I wish I lived in a different town, maybe a different country. I wish I had love in my life. I probably won't have it from family. I do want to better my life. I appreciate beyond measure the long response today. I was struggling am struggling alot. I want to be better do better....it's hard as you said in the beggining when one is lonely and alone which I am....
I have resources but am in a town I hate and could use real friends and or resources that way with people that care in this harsh world. Anyone can. Sorry. And I was very touched by the care in your response it is rare. You sound as if in the UK. I think there is a group there called Stand Alone for adults estranged from thier family. I do so wish the US had that b/c this group I think recognizes the mental anguish around it also the stigma and taboo around it...and I am dealing with that in America in small town America. Sigh. Thank you so much for the caring in depth response I may have to re read many more times to know someone listened. Any other advices on PTSD resources or CPTSD which I believe comes from repeated exposure to trauma (I def had that and prob have that) I am open to. Thank you so much for your kindness.
 

Dolce

Learning
I was struggling the other day and maybe writing too much ab minutia or was it that I would say sort of that w the medical professionals even though it wasn't.
What you said in the beginning hit home and is something I am keenly aware of in that it's hard to get by as a woman alone in this world. Well my Mom knew this and knew I "needed her" in fact it was a line she berated me with to try and scare me into staying in line. Do I and would I want forgiveness with her, yes if it were possible....if she could admit she hurt me and did things wrong. She can not convince herself she needed physical protection from me b/s she said on the stand she didn't basically. She said I had never threatened her in my life yet used her own interesting dramatic phrases and also talked of my childhood very innnane and irrelevant stories and one that I believe led to my Stepfather open hand hitting me across the face not knowing what even happened. I think I had said I didn't like my Mom's food in the 80s and yes she mentioned this in 2020. Talk about grudges? About nothing. I was a child and that's not even criminal or "bad" if it happened! Her pt was to say I deserved physical abuse by my PFA and get vindication and this is scary and this is something I think she won't change. In her mind and on the stand she said we regret some things, "but people lose patience". I won't go into those things b/c they are heinous. I had to live with her Mother and Father b/c of this chaotic home and I can't say it was a chaotic home or my Mom exploded. She most think she was Mother of the year and I was the disruptor. I wasn't. I know I may seem this way too sometimes at Drs offices too. I was a very well behaved kid never in trouble in school didn't drink was constantly verbally and physically abused at home by my teacher in his 50s stepfather. I also told counselors this whom were mandated reporters and why didn't they? And this is lots of personal information but it is cathartic. She said I was not threatening ever in my life and my "boundary crossing" is that I would have liked to have help to drive to certain places to look at to live (I am not a good long distance driver but am good at lots of other things for myself and family)
and or would have liked possible tuition helps. This is in the record and it still scares me and pierces at my heart that my life health and reputation ruining PFA was granted on these sorts of statements? I mean alot of people would find that unbelievable but it did happen. Forgiveness was the last word I said to my Mom. To have that would I always have to live in fear of her. Does this thing she did give her a sense of entitlement? I fear it does. She did it based on debates and based on I spoke up and out about abuse. This was the "threat" that she needed to silence. I now have to and around her may always have to watch my step. I feel like I should be valued as a person and be able to have my own perspective and that people and I said this to my Mom even we had painful disagreements should be able to disagree but do so respectfully...then she said w vacancy on a walk in her eyes the question, " So I have to respect you?" It's like I wasnt' a human being to them. Well I really was struggling the last few days with health issues and what I realize to be severe mental exhaustion. I did sooo appreciate the thought in your reply while I am struggling still with the physical and emotional aftereffects of things and wanting to change my life but not sure if I can w alot of obstacles. I am trying...alot. Forgiveness is a preferable thing for me but it is the right and safe thing and is it wanted by the other or deserved
also does it give them entitlement to abuse again....that's the thing the theme in my life....too. Sad it happens w my own Mother. I didn't want her didn't ask for her told her not to be my adversary tho she chose that and she chose her husband as you gathered who in fact did several bad criminal things over me....
Her brain could not handle that he and or she was wrong or in fact criminal so I had to be the fall guy. I think you understood it alot more than many in a sensitive way and I thank you.
 
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