General In What Ways Have You Been Able To Cope Better Over Time?

[IvyMillie]

I just thought this might be a nice discussion to think about. I'm sure if we have lived successfully with someone with PTSD we have found some great coping techniques that have helped us. Situtations in which we have learned that it is the illness that is the problem, and for which we have no control.

I was real impressed that the other day my husband said to me "I don't think you like me very much." He said that to me. Years ago when he would say something like that I would feel so devastated, terrible, and guilty.

However, now I realize that it isn't all my responsibility if he feels like that . I do the best I can in our relationship. I also feel like if he really cared how I felt he would try to do something about it. Also, that with his PTSD he isn't able to feel close to me or really to anyone else, so it's the illness, not me that is at fault.

Yippeeee as in the past I would have been feeling just awful, now I'm much more realistic about our relationship and that we really won't ever be able to be close because of his PTSD. He doesn't work on his PTSD so it is what it is.

 

[May1321]

In echoing the responsibility factor... I would say that the biggest thing that has helped me get to a point making it (easier) to cope not that it isn't still hard at times, was reading The Master of Love. I swear by it if you are up for an emotional and spiritual ride and mirror being held up to your face...

It's not a PTSD book but it really helped me just not take everyone elses actions to heart, take responsibility for my own mistakes and hurts I've caused, learn to.... *deep breath* APOLOGIZE for my half, and realize - as you said, Ivy - that it isn't always my responsibility when people do feel the way they do and/or lash out.

Learning and practicing the steps of "letting go" has helped me form healthier boundaries vs. just putting up big walls or running away from the problem. Also, I've noticed that the more I take responsibility, the more of that negative "ick" is released and I don't dwell so much on everyone elses feelings compiled with my own which also includes guilt, anger, hatred, hurt, sadness, etc. It's like a huge burden is lifted and I am worrying about less...

It's all GOOOOOOOD underneath MY hood - well, as good as a 30 year old 'vehicle' can get with little maintenance thus long ;) :tup: :roflmao:

 

[IvyMillie]

May wow you are really ahead of the game for 30. I feel like I'm still having to work alot on myself. I think it's good to remember that we have hurt people in our lives and that nobody is perfect. You're doing good!

I was a people pleaser for a long time and have only in the last couple of years gotten past that. That's a terrible curse, and probably what kept me from working on my own self, because I was too busy trying to make everybody happy. That's an impossible task anyway.

Other people can magnify our own problems, which is a bummer. As you said, though ,we all have a certain responsibility for our own behavior. I still have alot to work on.

 

[Lionheart]

I used to have negative coping mechanisms such as; I used to drink whiskey, cut on myself with razors, have compulsive, unprotected sex, take handfuls of pills, and pray to die (with a few suicide attempts). It has taken years of therapy, but now, I no longer drink alcohol, I would never cut myself on purpose, I have stopped the compulsive, unprotected sex and I don't even think about suicide anymore.

I don't take drugs other than what the doctors prescribe for me and my coping skills have improved. I used to have violent flashbacks that would make me shake from head to toe, but I don't have these anymore, so I don't have to cope with them, but I do have a plan to help me cope with them should they return.

When I have anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I fight the intrusive thoughts with realistic and positive thoughts, and focus on my breathing (as a way to calm myself). If I have a flashback, I go for a walk and I take time to write it down in my journal. This gives me time to think about how I want to deal with the situation rather than simply reacting to it. When it comes to my feelings, I don't suppress them, I simply allow myself to feel them, knowing them to be temporary and If I choose to, I will talk to someone about my feelings rather than holding them in.

When it comes to conflict, I have come to find that I can simply talk about the problem and my feelings (without raising my voice)...while respecting the other person's right to do the same and usually an agreement is worked out, (rather than me having an emotional meltdown and the problem escalating).

These are just some of the ways in which I am coping better, but for me it represents a lot of work and healing to have come this far.

 

[ISupportHer]

Tincture of time is a medication that has helped in my case. Time that has had the effect of reducing some fears of things that either never happened or that were less than expected. Time can be a 2 edged sword, however, as the ugly beast called PTSD still resides in our relationship.

ISH

 

[intothelight]

Just trying to eliminate stressors that I have control over, so the things I cannot control are less likely to overload me. Emptying as much as I can out of the stress cup.

 

[May1321]

Emptying as much as I can out of the stress cup.

Love this, IntotheLight!!! :)

I take time to write it down in my journal. This gives me time to think about how I want to deal with the situation rather than simply reacting to it.

I find this soooo helpful, as well Lionheart even for me just "reacting" with a written entry into a journal helps get it out of your system so I can either come back to it and reassess or leave it... at least it is out of the turmoil web of "thoughts" I sometimes find myself overanalyzing and stressing about :)

 

[Deleted member 10645]

My coping mechanism was work, and more work, especially creative work. Now, I've taking the time to sort out all the past stuff and write about it. I no longer have the knot in my gut that existed for 40 years or so. It is a good feeling. Medications do help if used correctly. The best part of my search for healing was to learn how to separate the abusive behaviors from the person and to find unconditional love at last. Reaching out is definitely on top of the list in healing.

 

[IvyMillie]

What great coping skills you all have. I like the thought about feeling the emotion and being able to express it. It certainly helps when we find out that we aren't alone and that our feelings are okay. It's nice knowing that other people have gone through similar things and have come out okay, even though it may not have been easy. Thanks for all the great comments.

 

[peacewithin]

I currently use deep breathing exercises, hot baths, supportive friends, art, the love of my puppy, as well as my therapist. I highly recomend the deep breathig exercises though.

 

[leweyoz]

As a Carer I try to place myself in their shoes. I think wow if I'm feeling like this what must they be feeling like. Doesn't necessarily fix my problem, but helps me to get some perspective.

We may all seem to find different things that work for us, I guess the important thing is that we areee able to find soemthing.