Inability to form attachments to tangible/sentimental items

[Kopykat]

I was wondering if anyone else has come across this and maybe it's not a bad thing. I can't form attachment to items people give me for sentimental keeping or gifts. I think I blame being hit by a tornado at a young age and all my possessions being taken away so I've never adjusted or really learned object permanence, just wondering if anyone else has run across this?

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I was able to attach to objects up until I went into foster care and gave up everything except for some of my clothing. Now I keep a very loose hold on them. To me, the important things are the relationships I have with people around me. Everything else can be replaced. Special things given to me by special people are special, but if something happens, it doesn't change the relationship I have/had. I don't necessarily think it's unhealthy. There is so much that can and does happen to "stuff." The closest I come to object attachment (object permanence is part of very early childhood development which refers to realizing something exists even when you can't see it), is to my cats. They aren't people, but they are very important and I'd be devastated if something happened to them. But they're not objects, either. We have actual relationships.

I don't know if this makes any sense - I'm typing on very low blood sugar as I wait for lunch to be ready. :)

 

[Kopykat]

I appreciate your reply. I know I don't have object permanence and I've never had it. I've been trying to work on it in therapy, it's really difficult.

I've had people give me sentimental things to help me remind me of them but I can't form a connection. The only thing, which aren't things, I've formed connections to are my dogs, I trust they will be there. As far as people, I have a really difficult time accepting and trusting I will ever see them again, even if there's no logical explanation for those feelings.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

That sounds rough, @Kopykat . Things that are supposed to happen in very early childhood are SO hard to do as adults. I don't struggle with object permanence, as my childhood was fine until I was 3.5. But emotional expression, a sense of being a separate person, initiative... things like that that happen around preschool age and later, I've got no clue on. My T and I have been chipping away at them. He says I have made progress, but I sure don't see or feel it. I have actual attachment to very few people. The vast majority of people I know and care about, I can easily go months with no communication and not be bothered in the least. And of course, my on-and-off pushes a lot of them away, fulfilling my belief that people will let me down. I don't know what it's like to be in your exact situation, but I recognize some familiar parts.

 

[Friday]

so I've never adjusted or really learned object permanence

I know I don't have object permanence and I've never had it. I've been trying to work on it in therapy, it's really difficult.

You don't believe objects continue to exist when they cannot be seen? (When you leave the kitchen, everything vanishes; When you close the bedroom door the furniture inside -and walls, floor, ceiling, etc.- ceases to exist?)

 

[Kopykat]

No, I don't have any attachment to objects or form a value to them. Say someone gives me an heirloom it doesn't mean anything different to me than if I bought it myself.

Object permanence relates w people too and is supposed to be formed when their infants in the sense that when a parent leaves a room the child learns they exist even if they physically aren't there, some people struggle w that even as adults bc they didn't have that attachment to their parents for whatever reason (neglect, abuse, inconsistent caregivers), that's what I experience.

 

[Friday]

No, I don't have any attachment to objects or form a value to them. Say someone gives me an heirloom it doesn't mean anything different to me than if I bought it myself.

Yup. Those are a few very different things, forming attachments (or assigning value) vs believing they exist / object permanence, which is why I was checking. As some people really don't believe other people/objects exist unless they're present, or some other qualifier happens. (It can be an extreme form of derealization, result from certain kinds of head trauma, drug use/damage following drug use, and a few other things if perm / is a part of a few PDs, a lot of other things if temporary). Not caring, on the other hand, or not wanting to care... &/or being unable or unwilling to form attachments or assign value... has a whole different set of causes, problems, solutions. May be part of dissociation, may not be. As you say, attachment issues make a lot of sense.

 

[Fadeaway]

Was there a time you were ever able to form attachments to objects? I don't, but it was something occurred over time due to experiences of loss when I had very few possessions to begin with.

I was an adult when it occurred to me that I couldn't form attachments to material objects, but I had experienced plenty of grief from loss of objects in my childhood. The inability to attach is now a protective mechanism. I also have very little desire to for material objects. I recently just walked away from the only objects I had long term that were somewhat important to me, my massive book collection, but they were more of a reflection of something that made me feel good about my self. In the end, I still choose to walk away from them, instead of carrying them, because after all, they were only objects.

 

[Kopykat]

I don't really remember ever being able to form an attachment to things. I remember my aunt trying to give me a ring my grandma wore maybe a few times and I felt indifferent, probably more so bc I didn't feel my grandma liked me. And then after my mom passed my dad gave me her wedding bands and I also felt indifferent. I don't have collections of things or keep anything of value. There's nothing from my childhood I've ever found sentimental. I do think a lot of it had to do w being hit by a tornado at a young age, twice, where all my belongings were taken. Like my family doesn't have baby or pictures of me before I was 7, it's weird, however they do of my brother.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you're confusing object permanence with forming attachment to objects. They are two very different concepts.

 

[Kopykat]

I understand the difference. I struggle and care more about the object permanence issue than the relationship w objects.

 

[Fadeaway]

Can you tell us more about the object permanence issue?