Indescribable Dream-like Dissociation (during Sex)

[Deleted member 28986]

This is unpleasant and I don't want to talk about it.

I just realized that, for years, I have often dissociated during sex. And I think the dissociation is triggered by pain, but I don't fully notice the pain because of the dissociation.

Anyway, the dissociation is usually just "normal," which for me means my body feels a tiny bit numb and my mind is away from reality and toward nothingness. But occasionally I dissociate in a novel way, in which some of my senses (hearing, touch, pain) are used to feed a sort of waking dream. Sometimes sex is involved in the "dream," sometimes not. I'm trying to figure how to describe it, but the only things that come to mind are bright cartoon colors, penetration, a voice speaking, and looking at myself from a third-party viewpoint. It might as well be the very definition of abstract. I think this experience cannot possibly be communicated to another human.

This is weird.

Any other weird variations on dissociation out there?

 

[shimmerz]

My T was constantly on me about being outside and looking at me or my surroundings when dissociating. He seemed to have a need to put my experience inside that box. I however, go inside; so far inside that I cannot seem to get myself out. No colours, no images, just this feeling of being trapped with no escape. I think this is due to the age of my first (I think) dissociation at 4 days old. I believe it is because I didn't have a real sense of my body at that time.

Yours sounds very uncomfortable and hope that this experience is a step towards releasing yourself by getting closer and closer to the feelings that had you dissociate so that you can process them.

 

[chibmonster]

I honestly wish i didn't understand this. but when i do anything i feel numb, as if im just a doll that goes around doing the things you are supposed to and i just watch from afar. During sex its worse because i feel none if it no pleasure no feeling just see it happening. its like im not their any more and it scares what ever is left of me to the core.
my partner has an idea that it is excepting what happened and someday i will come back. i like to think hes right and its true because then their is hope.

 

[Dootsbec]

I dissociate during sex to the point that I find myself staring blankly at a wall and then I close my eyes and I'm gone into fantasies that involve my abuse :( I think part of our healing Is making our partners aware of what's going on during sex so they can help us stay present. One of the best decisions I made for myself was discussing this with my husband although I still have to remind him sometimes. Which makes for a awkward conversation.

 

[Chava]

I just completely numb out at a certain point or certain triggers. Nothing interesting about it...just like my body and head and everything has been vacated, I've gone to another country and left this body behind. But in an abuse nightmare where I felt the same numbness and vacantness, I was able to focus my attention on people killing themselves and I was so envious...so sometimes I'm probably tuning out and taking cover from extremely self-destructive feelings. As for the guys who try to slow down or ask me questions or expect some sort of response from me...I dump them or sabatoge the relationship. Those who were fine with me checking out got bored and dumped me.

I don't do relationships anymore. Not saying I ever will, but I'm not in the right place to work through this or manage right now. Not letting myself say "never" even if that's how it feels after my record.

 

[illusionist]

I am very similar to the shimmerz.....I go very deeply into myself, trapped, and somehow numb out what's going on in the outside of my body....when I used to dislike sex. Strangely....now that I'm ok, I have the exact same depth of going into myself but feeling the pleasures intensely rather than blocking the external experience. On either of these experiences I'm just not in the room so to speak and does take time to fully come out of it.