Bristol
Diamond Member
this is going to be a rant and im sorry for it.
Im not sure its appropriate to post this but i have no one else to talk to so please dont read if im likely to upset you as thats the last thing i want to do
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have been trying to get pregnant for 14 months now this will be our first but it never happens. All i can do is blame myself, to me it is another example of how useless i am, how worthless i am and a sign that i couldnt be trusted to bring up a child properly. We have tried everything, we cant afford posh docs and the nhs would help us for another 10 months. I constantly worry whether its the anxiety and flashbacks that stop us or some physical issue because of my past. But i am to much if a coward to draw a doctors attention to my past, or my present. And i dont know how to control the anxiety or the flashbacks and the more i try the worse it gets. I always thought the present and future would be better than the past but it just continues to be so gut wrenching horrible. As most survivors probably relate to, sex isnt my most favorite thing but its drummed in that is the only way to go about this as often as possible so that doesnt help with how long this is taking because it all comes back to that and thats where my anxiety lies. I just cant keep going on like this, but i dont know how to switch off and be like "who cares" i thought being a mum would be my fresh start my chance to draw a line under the past and be someone better but i cant even do that right and sometimes i just think that if children arnt in my future then ehat sort of future is that and is it a future that i want to be a part of or should i just quit now
Im not sure its appropriate to post this but i have no one else to talk to so please dont read if im likely to upset you as thats the last thing i want to do
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have been trying to get pregnant for 14 months now this will be our first but it never happens. All i can do is blame myself, to me it is another example of how useless i am, how worthless i am and a sign that i couldnt be trusted to bring up a child properly. We have tried everything, we cant afford posh docs and the nhs would help us for another 10 months. I constantly worry whether its the anxiety and flashbacks that stop us or some physical issue because of my past. But i am to much if a coward to draw a doctors attention to my past, or my present. And i dont know how to control the anxiety or the flashbacks and the more i try the worse it gets. I always thought the present and future would be better than the past but it just continues to be so gut wrenching horrible. As most survivors probably relate to, sex isnt my most favorite thing but its drummed in that is the only way to go about this as often as possible so that doesnt help with how long this is taking because it all comes back to that and thats where my anxiety lies. I just cant keep going on like this, but i dont know how to switch off and be like "who cares" i thought being a mum would be my fresh start my chance to draw a line under the past and be someone better but i cant even do that right and sometimes i just think that if children arnt in my future then ehat sort of future is that and is it a future that i want to be a part of or should i just quit now
