Influenced by looks?

[FauxLiz]

I have been trying to figure out what it is about past therapists and the therapists that I am considering/trying to work with now that seems to bring out such intense like or distrust from me. So I looked at their internet profile pictures side by side and it is weird how similar the individuals are that I have been able to build trust with and how similar the individuals are that I haven't. So I tried also comparing other professionals that I have worked with and trusted to these individuals The thing is I can see the similarities in those I like and trust and those I don't like and distrust but I can't seem to pinpoint who or what in my past would have lead me feel so strongly about someone based upon looks.

So I am wondering if anyone else has noticed or realized something similar? Is this something I should bring up with the therapists that I am considering? Does it matter? I just feel really confused by this and don't know what to think.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

That's interesting :)

How would you "describe" the looks of the ones you find positive, and the ones you find negative?

 

[hithere]

It's a very interesting topic. In marketing, research has been done by multiple business schools about the using a person's face for their advertising or business card, commercial, billboard, etc. The conclusion is that using the face in ads is important and helps people choose whom to call, as it conveys a trustworthiness.

What did you notice in the similarities between the negative ones? Is it the size of the eyes, the expression, color of hair, eyebrows, etc..? shape of face? age?

 

[FauxLiz]

Positive, kind wide open eyes, relaxed compassionate smiles that don't seem fake or forced but I really think it is mostly the eyes although I have noticed the positive ones also seem to be physically thin, "lanky" tall, all enjoy and talk about running which is something that I did to escape from a young age (distance running competitively). The negative ones squinty eyes so you can't really read them. Their smiles when we meet seem forced like they want me to be comfortable but they really don't really want me to be there or to listen to me. Physically, none of them are what you would call athletic, their faces seem unfriendly. Both the positive and negative reactions have come from professionals with many different hair colors, lengths, ages (younger, same age and older than I am) so I don't see those as having an impact.

Should I bring this up during our sessions tomorrow? Would it make a difference, should I just acknowledge it as something that helps me? Maybe I am trying to hard to find a new therapist and I should take a time out but I am just muddling through the end of my annual 5 months of trauma hell and my job is stressful, I have to make unpopular decisions and live in a small town so I don't know who I can trust to talk to because everyone is either related or have known each other since birth. I am the outsider and that makes things tough so having someone that I can talk to while building trust at the same so that I can get to a point of doing the process work and see if it goes better than my previous disastrous attempt at CPT.

 

[Friday]

People aren’t robots, and most people don’t control their faces very well, their lives are written all over them.

Sure, some people are world class actors, though even fewer people have been so their whole lives... so the lines that form on their faces don’t tell you the true story. And other people fundamentally change in some way, so the story on their face doesn’t match their selves. But most people? Are open books. If you can read.

So whilst there may be trauma stuff tangled up in there, I wouldn’t be so quick to discount you initial assessments.

I would personally bring it up in therapy, because I would be curious as to their response/reaction/thoughts on the matter. But reading people is something I happen to be very comfortable both in doing, and the science behind it. What freaks me out is when I stop being able to do it. When I can’t trust my own judgement, because my instincts and training are at 6s & 7s. That’s when I work to judge more, and more often, manually sorting the slow way (exhausting and demoralizing), rather than the reverse and trying to judge less. When my judgment is off I need to practice it, not numb it. But that’s me.

 

[knuckles]

I don't think I have thought about it this way before. But I definitely take a lot from a picture - and the first impression upon meeting someone (though, at that point there are lots of other aspects involved - bodylanguage, verbal language, tonation, volume etc).

I think I especially turn away from people who seem to put up a fake front - especially if they want to appear outwardly calm but seem to repress anger or other strong emotions . And I am attracted to people who seem to be at peace within themselves (regardless of looks, age, bodyshape etc, or so I would like to think).

When looking for a new therapist in my local area, I think I started by screening by what they wrote on their webpage (though I can't clearly recall what I used as positive/negative markers), and then I listed them by what I thought/felt about their picture.

 

[knuckles]

I've been thinking about your post. Wondering what I might come up with if I tried to pin point what characteristics I seem to like and dislike. Too much pondering for me right now though. But I did recall more about this...

When looking for a new therapist in my local area, I think I started by screening by what they wrote on their webpage (though I can't clearly recall what I used as positive/negative markers), and then I listed them by what I thought/felt about their picture.

As it turned out, "judging" the therapists by their looks didn't work out that great. My screening process resulted in a top 3 of therapists - none of which had a picture that appealed to me. I know I wrote to two of them (maybe all three, but I don't recall three replies, only two); one couldn't schedule an appointment until a month or so later, the other one could fit me in the following week. So I arranged to see the second therapist. She turned out to be a really bad match for me (talked about herself and her daughter and told me she knew exactly what would be right for me regarding stress, because she had "been there" herself) - I never went back. I asked someone local for a reference and chose to arrange a session with that therapist (one I had initially disregarded based on both picture and webpage - she seemed to focus on businesses). She was actually really nice, but she didn't know how to help me. After six session she referred me to another therapist (whom I had also disregarded; primarily due to her picture where she looked rather manic and a little scary). After waiting for 8 months (waiting list) we had our first session. She was not manic at all, nor scary (also not very "warm", but that was okay with me). It didn't go very well though, and we stopped after seven sessions.

The therapist I have seen recently has an appealing picture on her webpage. But after having had the first session with her, I can no longer look at her picture - the difficulties with eye contact seems to include her picture as well.

So for me, I am not sure I should put to much weight on my perception of a picture alone. My intuition/gut feeling upon meeting someone in person thought - that I still listen to.

 

[FauxLiz]

@knuckles i should clarify I am not basing my thought process on their pictures these are therapists I have had at least one or more sessions with in person along with other professionals that I have worked with longer term. I was using their photos to try and see if there was a “type” I was unconsciously biased towards or against.

 

[knuckles]

@knuckles i should clarify...

You shouldn't have to @FauxLiz. It was clear enough in your post. Sorry, I should have put my personal musings in my diary instead of here, where they don't really relate to your question.

 

[Missycat]

Interesting topic. I wonder if it has something to do with first impressions and the fact that as humans we will usually make that impression within a few seconds and visually.
I tried a T and as i turned up at her place (she didnt have a photo on her profile) and she opened the door i just knew i couldnt work with her ! I was polite and we had a short initial session and she asked if i wanted to work with her and i said no ! I needed to think about it - i didnt go back. With my current t’s i checked out their credentials and both had photos and both looked ‘kind and smiled’ as soon as we met and before they could speak i knew i could work with them .. it just felt right. They dont look alike and are different ages with the only similarity in looks being dark hair ! This is making me think now lol