Relationship Initial Attraction To Someone With Ptsd -- Part Of Reliving Your Past?

[LAA]

It does make sense. I do think however, that a lot of the behaviors exhibited during PTSD times would affect anyone. Although my mom struggled(s) with her health and as a result, depression (she was also in a very catastrophic car accident in her teens in which she was the only survivor), she was/is a good mother. I think now that she has been suffering from PTSD herself for a long while.

Going through what I have with D has actually helped me understand her better. And growing up with her as a mother has actually helped me be more compassionate and patient, I think. (Having an Asperger Syndrome firstborn helped too). That son recently commented that my life experiences seem to have equipped me to be married to D. I sure haven't felt "equipped" very often lately though.

My parents can be demanding, but we have almost always got on well. We can at least be frank with each other when something does bug us. I know all things together, I've been blessed by my parents.

My issues have come from the outside of my family, through a sex assault and then a not very healthy 20 yr marriage (lots of mental abuse and cheating on his part). I know sometimes that I am being triggered by some small behavior of his to feel the pain of an earlier experience...not pleasant. I am starting to deal with it a bit better. I am hopeful that some counseling will help me get over some of it even more.

I understand what you mean, but I also think I hear a lot of guilt in you. Honestly, no matter how trauma free a life you could have lived prior to marriage, you still wouldn't be able to heal your dear husband. That's what we really all wish for deep down I think. Even though intellectually we know we can never "fix" another human being that's what we desire when someone we love is hurting so badly.

You and your husband have been together so much longer than most marriages ever make it. Sometimes I think of it this way, "I feel everyone deserves to be loved and cared for. Not everyone could love and care for someone with PTSD, we are not all programmed the same. For this time and this place, I am privileged to love and care for this man (or child when things were tough with my son).

My husband has been "thrown away" so much in his life, starting at age four, that my sticking with him has meant so much to him and has helped with some little bit of healing. He isn't always able to express that to me (did in counseling at the treatment center last week) but when I go on calls of men and women with PTSD and/or other issues who are all alone in their suffering, my heart breaks. Then I know that whatever my desire to be with D sprung from initially, I am in the right place for right now.

I am always praying for grace and peace for all of us as we try to support our loved ones. I am so sorry that so much of your husband's behaviors steal your peace away...you are in my thoughts!

LAA

 

[Tinyflame]

-That's very kind LAA
((((LAA)))

 

[Cyndi S]

I would say that knowing how to handle the volatile mood swings and the quirks that come with PTSD come from being raised by a mother who has severe ADHD and was Bipolar. It made me less leery to get into my relationship. The whole "well if dad can do it so can I" thing, but I'll admit that it took me a long time to decide to date my significant other because I knew what it may entail. I fell in love with a strong, caring, old-fashioned soldier but on the same page I always "mothered" my mother and I find myself now doing the same thing with him. I would say that subconsciously I'm attracted to people who need nutureing because its what I've been doing my whole life.

 

[Toria]

In my childhood with a mother with mental illness I felt I had to be the "normal" one, while chaos was all around me. I suppose one gets used to that. I felt like I had to be strong and cope with things on my own, and now it's the same.

I do understand what you mean - I can remember having to be an adult from a very early age. But, having said that, I think I was very lucky in that my mum was never abusive and did her very best to look after both me and my dad. She has a heart of gold and I find it very hard to see her as she is now - fairly heavily medicated and in her own little world.

The similarities you mention Cyndi S of "Well if Dad can do it" doesn't quite work for me... I can vividly remember, aged about 11, my dad telling me that he would divorce my mum on my 16th birthday. I also remember waking up on the morning of my 16th birthday fully expecting him to be gone. He hadn't and it was never mentioned... Until she had a further breakdown whilst Husband and I were on our honeymoon. Apparently she thought she would never see me again once I got married and it threw her in to a spin. She was really bad for a couple of months but was "functioning" enough by Christmas that year to go in to town and buy Christmas presents. They came up to us for Christmas lunch and all was seemingly ok - it was only three weeks later that I discovered that my dad had told her - on Christmas morning - that he couldn't cope with her any more and wanted a divorce. :cry: I cannot understand to this day just how she managed to hold it all together that day. He even told her not to tell me so that it didn't "spoil the day".

I love my dad, but i can never forgive him for treating her that way and if anything it strengthened my resolve to NEVER EVER sink to that level with Husband. Almost "my dad couldn't do it but I will" if you like. Husband had not had his breakdown at the time and he was equally appalled at the way my dad was being.

I think that everything that happens to you in life - good or bad - shapes who you are. I would not class myself as being a particularly strong person, but perhaps my strength lies in my love for my husband and my unwillingness to let that go no matter how (or who) he is or becomes. I think we all have that in common.

 

[LAA]

"...but perhaps my strength lies in my love for my husband and my unwillingness to let that go no matter how (or who) he is or becomes. I think we all have that in common."​

​

That is such a beautiful statement and I think you are right, if we didn't have that love, we probably wouldn't even be taking the time to be on this forum.​

​

And how sad for your mom, broke my heart. Wow, though, she must have been stronger than she realized to hold it together that Christmas! Thank you for sharing that.​

​

LAA​

 

[IvyMillie]

Thanks for all of your comments. I guess we all come from different types of backgrounds--however they all had their own particular difficulties. I guess some of us were drawn to some things and some just cope better.

I think that working out any relationship takes alot of work--so as you all mentioned love does make it easier. It's not easy, but it's nice that sometimes it's not so bad. :) One thing about it, we really have to be unselfish in such a selfish world, so that is a really good thing.

 

[Cyndi S]

I would say love and on occasion the ability to stop and laugh and the impossible situation. You have to have a sense of humor to be able to handle what I choose to call the "quirks" of being in a relationship with someone with PTSD.

 

[May1321]

My boyfriend is a younger version of my dad... this time almost to a -T- and in part I think it has a lot to do with me becoming more like my dad (daddy's girl = guilty :rolleyes:)

My dad is patriotic, smart, disabled, manipulative, angry, opinionated, interesting, full of ideas, an entrepeneur - probably more unsuccessful than is, old fashioned, fun, funny, adventurist, paranoid, safe, conservative, he tinkers, he's not real social, a survivalist, etc.

I love my dad to pieces and one of the things I have been more and more attracted to as I got older were guys that I could talk to like I talk to my dad as well as guys that would get along with my dad. My dad is interested in stuff that it seems - at least around here - more "old timers" are into like HAM radio being one of them. It is such an odd thing to hear a guy in his twenties talk about, but my boyfriend has his license.

I think staying with him is easier because of the experience I have with my dad and the characteristics of the disability. My dad had Polio when he was little that messed up his back and he's never been able to walk well, so he tinkers. But when his back starts hurting, boy, watch out! It's a lot like my boyfriend and maybe why I don't like giving him a lot of allowances for his PTSD because he's still so capable of so many things. Obviously, you have to respect the worse days but my dad was never a "victim" and my boyfriend has the same attitude.

So I guess, in a way, it's not a surprise I ended up with someone with PTSD but I don't know if I really looked for PTSD. I would say I was more attracted to the 'go getter' personality which I think, from my years of dating and friends now, that seems to be more relevant in someone with PTSD. I'm attracted to the heroes, the go-getter, the dreamer, the risk taker, but always someone who has roots and that old fashion sense of home. Usually it comes from wanting something they didn't have growing up and wanting better, like an abusive father.

Just my thoughts.