Relationship Initial Attraction To Someone With Ptsd -- Part Of Reliving Your Past?

[IvyMillie]

I was just wondering if any of you have thought that you were actually attracted to someone who had symptoms of PTSD. I've been married for over 20 years however, I realize that I was attracted to the symptoms of PTSD initially. Although, I didn't realize that at the time. I was raised by a mother who was bipolar. She had mood swings and was emotionally distant to me, she also got mad at me alot over incosequential things, and was extremely moody. It was a terrible realization that I think I was attracted to someone with PTSD because it was a similar world that I had been raised in. The problem I find now is that it brings up alot of old triggers for me. Of course, it's sad to see that in yourself, but it's true. Anyone else raised a certain way that made you actually look for someone who had some issues like that?

 

[Toria]

Wow - that's an interesting thought. I just nearly choked on my coffee!

Personally I always thought I did the exact opposite. My mother is Bipolar and, whilst my childhood was far from normal and / or perfect, it could have been so much more chaotic than it was. I always saw husband as being a rock in a choppy sea that provided me with security and stability. It's strange because when I first met his Dad he called me husband's rock! Funny how things can turn on their heads...

 

[IvyMillie]

My lands how weird. You know when I was going out with my husband to start with I thought he was a "rock" also, because he was a hard worker and appeared to be stable. I had similar feelings that you had. He was a totally different person when we were dating. He did things to please me. He made up stories about how great he was, even though he was divorced (but it was all his ex's fault). There was only one time I saw a symptom of anything abnormal, he got really quickly mad at one of his sons one day. That was the only sign I saw. I'm quite a bit younger and so I looked up to him a bit. We were married within 2 and a half months. He kind of rushed me into it. I didn't know that that wasn't a good sign. I didn't see the first negative signs till we'd been married for about 3 weeks. When the first wall went up. Then came the deppression and constant negativity. What kind of bipolar was your mother? Did you see any signs of your husbands PTSD before you were married?

 

[Toria]

Hi again IvyMillie - sorry, I missed your reply yesterday :oops: I have no idea what kind of bipolar it is - to be honest I had no idea there was more than one sort!!! :oops::oops::oops: She started when I was very young and eventually wound up in hospital when I was 11 and I think that was when the diagnosis was made, except I wasn't told what it was (eg the name bipolar - I just thought it was depression) until she had a further relapse a fortnight after husband and I got married. Seven years on and she's fairly heavily medicated. She lives her life okay, but my husband always says she has a five second time delay - in the nicest possible way!!!

My husband's older than me too, but his PTSD did not begin until a year after we were married when he had a breakdown. Prior to that the only thing I can say is that he was always more emotional than other men - he cried at his 40th birthday because he was sorry for being older than me for example. But I don't honestly think there were any other signs that I missed. He left the army about six months before we married and was looking forward to getting out and living a normal life out in civvie street.

I hope it's helping you to find out that there are others in the same boat as you.

 

[IvyMillie]

Toria, yes it helps alot. Okay and I'm not trying to pry so you don't have to answer this. So I guess you really weren't attracted to someone with PTSD since he didn't have it till you were after you were married. I just realized and this started bringing up my childhood emotions--which wasn't good that many of my reactions to the PTSD is so close to my childhood fears. For instance, the fear of not knowing what mood he is in (had the same fear with my mother--you never knew when she would fly into a rage), the fear of unpredictability of your life my husband has ideas about things that change alot (we never were stable as children, one time we moved just out of the blue), the fear of not being able to talk or communicate (with my mom there never was any communication she would shut herself up in her room and read and we weren't allowed to talk to her) and the outbursts of anger (my mom especially if drunk would fly into rages directed at me). So I'm so glad and I hope that this won't affect you in this way--if your childhood was okay but I know not perfect. It has just hit me after 20 years. The bummer is that it has magnified my reactions and emotions--because they aren't just for my present feelings--but they are bringing all that up from the past. I don't want it to, because I basically buried my past feelings and I haven't dwelt on them. Now however they are resurfacing and making my coping with my husbands PTSD more challenging.

So your mom was "normal"--did she treat you nice? or was she at all abusive? My mom was very abusive especially to me. I'm glad that you still keep in touch with your mom. I try to with my mom but there is no real connection, but I do care about her as a human being. She of course, can't acknowledge her part of hurting me and I don't think there is any point in trying to get resolution. A person with mental illness can't deal with that. Ha similar to PTSD we must try to cope as best we can, they can't change (although some with PTSD seem to really try and that is so great). I totally applaud all those with PTSD on this website--they deserve alot of commendation for seeking help and support.

 

[Magdalene]

My mom is still extremely abusive, she may be bipolar, histrionic personality disorder, or bpd - undiagnosed because everyone else has a problem, not her - and I am 50 years old. It is with the help of my man that I've been able to stand up to her and distance myself from her. Although I knew he had PTSD almost from the beginning - we played a game of 'answer 20 questions about yourself' and because my dad had recently died in front of me, I asked him if he'd ever seen anyone die. That's how I learned about the two deployments where he had seen quite a lot of that. And from our ensuing discussion, I ended up blurting out - you have PTSD! (He said, "So, so do you!" though when I finally went to a counselor a few months later, I ended up with 'adjustment disorder' as my diagnosis.)

It wasn't until 6 months into our relationship, when the anniversary of a suicide bombing occurred and my uncle died almost the same time, that I saw manifest the symptoms that leave me knocking on his emotional door waiting to get let in.

My counselor believes that for me the attraction to my man is that my own father was in the Navy and left me alone a lot of my abusive mom. My counselor believes I'm actually furious at men and want to prove how bad they are by staying with this man. I don't think that's right. I think it is that i learned to wait and tolerate and excuse and forgive AND UNDERSTAND very very very young in life and I'm a master at it. My man is an incredible man - I adore him - And he goes away every once in a while.

 

[IvyMillie]

Yes it's hard to figure really. I'm not sure if anyone has all the answers. In a way I think I'm so used to dysfunction that I subconsciously married into it. So on the one hand I'm used to it. However, I think after so many years I had a meltdown when it brought up all my past issues.

It's like my present and past collided. All the other years my past pain was a bit suppressed. For some reason living with someone with PTSD this year just finally got to me.

So the question is are we actually better at handling some of the side effects and residual from living with someone with PTSD? Or in time does it become too much and we have to learn new coping skills?

Magdalene I'm sorry that your mom never got diagnosed--that sounds like she was pretty difficult. I agree about your not being sure about the theory that you stay with a man to prove how bad he is--that doesn't seem to make any sense to me.

I get what you said too about putting up with things. Like with my mom's mental illness, I always knew that there was something wrong with her. She treated me terrible. However, I can't really be mad about it because she can't help it. It's a weird feeling because I really want to be mad--but I can't be. She is unable to accept responsibility either--just part of her illness.

Strangely, that now I'm learning more about my husband's illness and once again I do need to excuse his behavior that is hurtful because he can't help it. I need to find ways to cope. I can't really be angry at him, if it is his illness also.

Magdalene I'm so glad that you love your man so much. That is what does really help. I love my husband too. That can really be a basis to work with.

 

[LAA]

So much of what everyone has said here is so similar. D also was very different when we were dating, I too thought of him as a solid, dependable man. This was before he went to Iraq, but after his 3 on-duty police shootings so I now know he had PTSD then, he just hadn't had the big trigger pulled that left him very impaired emotionally.

D now tells everyone I am his "rock". I feel like this has been my "job" my whole life and at times I resent it. I have thought in my mind, "I didn't sign up for this, I don't want to be the strong one anymore." Selfish, I know. Even when my first husband fell apart (also an officer, you'd think I'd learn but as a female officer, other men tend to not understand). My mom and dad were devastated as were my in-laws and every other friend we had (1st husband ducked out on his whole life, not just me).

Anyway, while I was the one left with 5 small children and no job at the time, I was the one taking care of everyone else's emotions. It is like it has all built up and I just feel tired.

D is doing so well in treatment now though. I feel like I am trying to catch up. I know it won't be all fixed ever, but like you all have said, I do love D so very much. This disorder gives us glimpses of the person we love so dearly. Usually it seems, just enough to keep us going and fighting for them! I have just realized I really do need to seek help myself though so I can remain strong for D and everyone else. Bikram yoga is helping with stress and confidence. I also swallowed my pride this week (I know, I'm an idiot to think that way) and went to a psychologist who works in law enforcement.

I realized if I am in this marriage for the long run I really do need to take care of myself too.

LAA

 

[LoyalOne]

I was just wondering if any of you have thought that you were actually attracted to someone who had symptoms of PTSD.

Yes. Because I have my own past issues, and scooping up someone with past issues and telling them it is going to be okay is like telling myself it is going to be okay. The worse they need to be told it is okay, the more I want to do it. Because I want them to believe me, so I can believe myself.

 

[IvyMillie]

In my childhood with a mother with mental illness I felt I had to be the "normal" one, while chaos was all around me. I suppose one gets used to that. I felt like I had to be strong and cope with things on my own, and now it's the same.

LoyalOne yes I suppose for you too--theres a part you play, and you want to believe what you say. I guess we are all a bit messed up.

 

[LAA]

Loyal One,

If I am honest with myself I guess there must be some truth in what you said as it applies to my own life.

Like IvyMillie, my mother had a few issues (health and mental) when I was growing up. I have always had to be a support to my parents, even when it has been my life that is falling apart.

My previous marriage of 20 years was not to someone diagnosed with PTSD, but I now know he has some major mental thing going on (and did for quite awhile).

When I got involved with D though, he was not struggling like he ended up recently. Definately know now that there was severe trauma in childhood (didnt then). I knew he had been in several on duty shootings but until he went to Iraq, he was holding things in still and was so very different that he is now.

The blessing now is that he is finally getting help for all of it...not just what the dept thinks the problem was..

So...I do find myself wondering if there is some "thing" there that calls to my subconscious even.

LAA

 

[IvyMillie]

The reason I thought about it was that years ago someone had told me that we tend to marry people who have similar issues as our parents had. It's our way of trying to resolve those unresolved issues from our past. I'm sure it's not true in every case. Many people of course, get involved in completely healthy relationships.

For me, it has proved true that it was my way of trying to resolve things from my childhood. My husband has so many of the same issues that I was raised around. However, it took about 20 years for it to finally affect me as badly as it did this year.

It's like this year I just had too many reactions to his behavior that reminded me of my childhood--so it really clicked it. The hard part is it's hard to change a persons reactions that you developed as a coping skill as a child. The other negative part is that in my way of thinking I tend to overexagerate his behavior in my own mind, because I'm going back to what I had to do as a child.

The interesting thing also, is that I'm a person who never dwells on my childhood. I have blocked alot of it out. So you can imagine the horror of having to revisit some of those awful painful moments--that I don't want to remember.

Essentially it's not just him being alienated, aloof, unpredictable, and at times upset with me--it's like it's my mother all over again. It hurts more because of my past. However, I feel bad because I think with a healthier person they could have dealt better with his condition of PTSD. They wouldn't have been as deeply affected emotionally.

I don't think my husband really knows how deeply it affects me--again though it's not entirely his fault and it's not his fault anyway because he can't really help his behavior.

I hope some of that makes sense. I think if I hadn't been so rejected and tormented as a child I would do better emotionally.