Inner child questions

[Tinyflame]

Utter self indulgent waste o

Aw dear @Sandstone , it certainly isn't, for you or us. But that may be how you felt or were made to feel, then. :hug:

That's where the grief is.

I think for all people it is @Mach123 . Or at least part of it.

 

[grit]

few things:
I also do not have pictures! so that is that.
I also used to hate this inner child nonsense until I started to integrate some parts (you are right and intelligent enough to recognize these are yes EPs more or less). It is fragmentation of the self parts where healthy person cannot even imagine such a thing at all!

One thing I find beautiful in humanity is this: trauma basically shatters the self. but when a shattered life is integrated, the world is more beautiful than if you never had shattered experience. I really feel like this and also I experience this so I am not just talking about my ying yang here.

Now, I want to bring your attention a comment you made:

but I tend to find myself thinking more along the lines of "Come on, I know you find this difficult, but we have to do it so let's get on with it" The trouble is I don't find it charming and sweet, just an annoying demand when I'm already struggling, and it is much easier to tip into self-attack for motivation

Does this remind you of anyone from your past?

I ask that because I think (my opinion so disregard if it sound kookoo), I believe that children take the personality of whoever is hurting them in order to survive. It is like I am dying from this pain and the only person I know who can save me right now is this person hurting me so this person must be so powerful and hope can save me...and just like a self splits parts, self part can also interject. Now I feel whoever is like the quote I put above, is a person from your past and you are identifying with that person and still beating yourself (except this time) you are beating a part of yourself. You are feeling annoyed and trying to destroy this inner part of you that was ironically as you put it sweet and charming. You are hurt deeply! so deeply that the only way you could survive was to become like the powerful person who hurt you in the first place.

Have you ever wondered who you might be if that did not happen? that would be the charming, sweet, little person you are trying to push down more because your need to appear healthy is bigger. I also wonder if the person who hurt you try to appear great and godly to others.

I hope my post is not triggering and I hope you find some gem that resonates and throw the rest to internet blahhaha.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Sandstone, You are so not. Hope our replies didn't inadvertently "step" on this. I know the always conflicted and internal warring feeling and hear you wanting to develop your relationship with your inner child. I can tell from your posts you are trying hard and thats to your credit. Afraid I can't help much on how to engage with her. Do mine as a dose of medicine rather than anything more harmonious. Almost word it in that way to myself. You sound way ahead of me in it. Support you developing this if it is something you are struggling with but want to continue. The site is stuffed full of people who find it very helpful.

Yet, I do believe there is sense in the approach T wants to take, and I want to work at applying it.
Any suggestions?

I do believe we need to learn to be kind and gentle with ourselves at times and that we need to learn to think of ourselves as children with care and understanding. Not addressing the dissociation I know but thats just a step further with the same concepts. Just way more complex. Its sounds to me like you will likely win over if you just keep persevering. Its always uncomfortable at first when we do something that is foreign to us and especially when wrapped around trauma and dissociation.

 

[Paeonie]

I felt a hideous revulsion towards me when I was young and my CSA was going on. It wouldn't allow me to live.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so grateful. The first time a therapist asked me to imagine myself as a small child and offer kindness I was taken unaware by overwhelming revulsion and hatred. I had a powerful urge to kill the 'child me' immediately. This was such a terrifying experience and the therapeutic relationship was so unsafe and limited that I was left alone with this; I was too overwhelmed and terrified to speak, and therapy was terminated shortly thereafter due to NHS resource shortage. Many years later I found a therapist who said she understood. It helped. But I have always felt like a freak because of this experience and realisation. I have never found another person who has experienced anything similar until today. You have helped me to normalize this experience a little, and that is very important and valuable to me. Thank you so much.

 

[Pitstop]

Working with parts has helped me. When I first looked for my inner child all I could see was a stone wall with a small opening guarded by a protector. Before I was able to access the child I had to assure the protector that I was here to help. I found it helpful to draw a picture of my inner child matchstick style and ask what they want. At first I didn't think it would work but writing and drawing really helped. There are really good online blogs on Google. Or maybe drawing a picture would help with the absence of photos. We haven't touched the csa yet but it's really helping with other parts of my cptsd. Best wishes

 

[Mach123]

You have helped me to normalize this experience a little, and that is very important and valuable to me. Thank you so much.

: )

 

[Tinyflame]

I remember only 3 pictures, one with my parents and one with my dog, and a grade 1 school picture, and I was- small. Vulnerable. Innocent. Independent. Happy, innocent eyes.

As children, no matter what, we were not adults.

 

[Sandstone]

I do sleep with a teddy bear. But that is for ME

I've been desperately clinging to mine, as the only source of comfort or protection in my life. Without him him I would be cast wholly adrift, with no hope. I have to spread his little arms as wide as they can stretch to embrace and protect as much of me as he can.

get resources on how to feel more adult, capable of problem solving, not small in that sense?

have to look for the inner parent figure instead

That can only be fake - there is no resource, no adult there.

I felt a hideous revulsion towards me when I was young

The first time a therapist asked me to imagine myself as a small child and offer kindness I was taken unaware by overwhelming revulsion and hatred. I had a powerful urge to kill the 'child me' immediately

Yes, the first time I considered the idea I mentally threatened it with a knife. I don't want to deal with it/

 

[Ronin]

there is no resource, no adult there.

What about a kid growing up, to someone you can guide and be there for?
Eventually, anything else that is about progress and reshaping life for you.
I mean, you do not have to be stuck at trauma associations, all of the time.

 

[Sandstone]

What about a kid growing up

There would still need to be someone to guide that child as I grew. I'm not sure where I'd find that support, because I don't know how to do it. In the end I'm not sure a panda is enough
That in itself is a bit of an odd statement, because I brought up two children who seem to be mostly OK. Though I have major doubts about that now. T says people like me who appear OK for most of our lives and then fall apart have been presenting a facade. If that is the case then the two people who were with me and depended on me most must have experienced the truth.

 

[freebird]

I remembered moments in time I had forgotten about. Hiding under the bed all the time because I was always so scared. I imagined looking under the bed, and telling the little baby girl that it's ok, it's safe to come out now. She's still hiding, and that's ok too. I remind her she is loved and protected. When she comes out, I don't know, but I have gotten her attention, and she's listening.

 

[Sandstone]

If you know you are imagining both the conversation and the child, how does that have an impact on the present?

I'm much more likely to fantasise about hiding now than I did as a child, though as child I was usually alone anyway. I can spend long periods thinking about how it would feel to be in the back of the wardrobe. I have actually hidden, both under the bed and in the wardrobe in the last few years. Now I discipline myself not to do it.

I can see that the fear I experience now, and the desire to hide are childish, but they don't really represent the time when i was an actual child, they are about my experience of not being a grownup now. If I want to hide now, who is there to rescue someone from the past?