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Deleted member 1860
I guess you could say that I have regrets, major regrets.
This happened when I was only 13 or so, loooong before my diagnosis but still years after my initial trauma. And back then, I had no idea what I was dealing with. I had no idea that it wasn't normal to freak out around guys. I thought that all girls did that. (I didn't learn the truth until I was 28.....Thank you, SUV.)
Anyway, back when I was in the 8th grade I had my first major crush. He really liked me, too. I can't remember exactly what went wrong as we had such awesome chemistry, but I know that because I was so very, very scared, I shied away from him. I know that there must have been a bit of rejection, even if unintentional. Things fizzled out before they even began, and he moved on.
He started going out with this other blonde. It didn't work out. (Does it ever at that age?) I can't help but feel that she knew she was the back up blonde, the one he went for after me. Makes sense why she had such animosity toward me for years, even through high school where she came in behind me yet again, in yet another venue. I remember hearing the gossip well into my college years. (Yep, I come from a small town.)
I crushed on that guy until college. Our families met one day when we were in high school, but I don't think they ever knew that he and I had feelings for one another. I'll never forget the day he walked up to me at work one day during the summer after high school graduation and said something to me in a very serious voice. It was one of those things that when someone says it, you remember it for life. That was the last day I talked to him, almost 18 years ago.
I don't know why I still think of him. Maybe you'd say it was because he was my first major crush. But, I think its more. I think a lot of it is that what happened between us, or rather didn't happen, was a result of my trauma. I didn't know it at the time, and of course he had no clue. I honestly feel bad because I know I hurt him, I know I really, really hurt him. He was such a great guy. It was before all of my craziness began, before the lashing out started. And I guess its sort of a puzzle to me why I feel different about him than all of the other people in my life who have also been casualties of my disorder.
I just feel sad. I added him on Facebook a few years ago, but he un-friended me at one point. I don't take that sort of thing personally, well not with him anyway. I know he's quiet, I know he's shy. He never had a big social media presence anyway.
I guess I wish I could tell him I'm sorry. There were no obvious signs of my disorder. There was no lashing out, no dramatics, none of that. Just me, being scared out of my mind.
I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I don't understand WHY this one was different. Maybe its because this guy could have been my first.....something.....but that was stolen from me. I guess I do have a right to feel sad, even if the feelings are popping up over 20 years later.
Thanks for reading. I needed to get this all out.
This happened when I was only 13 or so, loooong before my diagnosis but still years after my initial trauma. And back then, I had no idea what I was dealing with. I had no idea that it wasn't normal to freak out around guys. I thought that all girls did that. (I didn't learn the truth until I was 28.....Thank you, SUV.)
Anyway, back when I was in the 8th grade I had my first major crush. He really liked me, too. I can't remember exactly what went wrong as we had such awesome chemistry, but I know that because I was so very, very scared, I shied away from him. I know that there must have been a bit of rejection, even if unintentional. Things fizzled out before they even began, and he moved on.
He started going out with this other blonde. It didn't work out. (Does it ever at that age?) I can't help but feel that she knew she was the back up blonde, the one he went for after me. Makes sense why she had such animosity toward me for years, even through high school where she came in behind me yet again, in yet another venue. I remember hearing the gossip well into my college years. (Yep, I come from a small town.)
I crushed on that guy until college. Our families met one day when we were in high school, but I don't think they ever knew that he and I had feelings for one another. I'll never forget the day he walked up to me at work one day during the summer after high school graduation and said something to me in a very serious voice. It was one of those things that when someone says it, you remember it for life. That was the last day I talked to him, almost 18 years ago.
I don't know why I still think of him. Maybe you'd say it was because he was my first major crush. But, I think its more. I think a lot of it is that what happened between us, or rather didn't happen, was a result of my trauma. I didn't know it at the time, and of course he had no clue. I honestly feel bad because I know I hurt him, I know I really, really hurt him. He was such a great guy. It was before all of my craziness began, before the lashing out started. And I guess its sort of a puzzle to me why I feel different about him than all of the other people in my life who have also been casualties of my disorder.
I just feel sad. I added him on Facebook a few years ago, but he un-friended me at one point. I don't take that sort of thing personally, well not with him anyway. I know he's quiet, I know he's shy. He never had a big social media presence anyway.
I guess I wish I could tell him I'm sorry. There were no obvious signs of my disorder. There was no lashing out, no dramatics, none of that. Just me, being scared out of my mind.
I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I don't understand WHY this one was different. Maybe its because this guy could have been my first.....something.....but that was stolen from me. I guess I do have a right to feel sad, even if the feelings are popping up over 20 years later.
Thanks for reading. I needed to get this all out.
