Insecurity

[cragger65]

"I am very good at AON"... lol. Ya, I guess I can claim to be master's level at that one ;P I'll keep trying to spot it.

 

[Jestadud]

Insecure about my security.

Growing up I learnt to deal with bullies, in fact it's one of my core beliefs "You must always stand up to bullies". By my teens I'd become very good at it.
I know at some point I tried throwing my weight around myself but found it didn't feel good and it didn't feel the same. You had to have right on your side.
I considered myself an anti-bully!
By the end of my teens I'd become so good at it that it frightened me, I was afraid I'd seriously hurt someone and I would actually feel sorry for someone while they were threatening me!
Fortunately I moved away and I learnt techniques to avoid trouble, such as walk away, check that people understand the situation, give plenty of chance for them to apologise.
Through my adult life I've felt pretty secure and able to deal with situations without needing violence.
Recently that changed and I was frightened by my reaction.
I was frightened by what has made me feel secure for many years!

Thanks for this cragger I think this is important to me even if what I've written doesn't convey it that well.

To anyone out there with bully problems, this was just my way of dealing with it.

Jesta

 

[2notbedefeated]

I just accidently lost what I wrote by pushing the wrong key on my computer, ugh! Well, insecurity could very well be my twin, cause it always seems to win out in most situations. I believe I had insecurity from the day I was born. I was 2 months premature and during my time - 1963, not many preimies survived. I was treated as fragile and I think this started that seed of insecurity.


This seed of insecurity was reinforced by my parents and family, and my sexual abuse, kids at school, etc. This insecurity has grown with up into adulthood. I have big time "authority issues". I have such a fear of being unacceptable and that I am not good enough to have nice things come to me, I don't deserve blah,blah, blah I could go on and on, but I will spare you the torture. As wife,mother, parent, still I'm insecure, I don't know how to have "healthy" security. I dont want to be self-absorbed. If I can't be perfect than I can't accept any part of me. Well I'm startint to fade. I may have too call a night.

I have one special request, in keeping with insecurity/security, for those that pray, please pray my husband finds a job where we currently live. We've been here since march 2004. It looks like most of the jobs he's having to apply and be qualified for are farther away and in a different state.

I've finally been gaining so stability in all areas and ways of my life. Kids making friends getting comfotable in school, we go to a church family and kids like, and are able to serve there. I'm finally learning to drive myself around the area. I don't want to have to change my doctors, therapist, support systems, etc. It's just a bummer. When I'm beiginning to feel safe move out alittle and test the ground, learning to spread my wings, I so pray that me and family will not have to move. Thanks,

 

[cragger65]

It sounds like you have had a pretty good handle on all that, Jesta. Can I ask what happened or changed recently for you? Would like to hear more.

2Not, I will say a prayer that you don't get uprooted from your comfortable place. You never know when somethings's going to come along, sometimes at the last minute. I am hoping for you. We sound like twins with the authority issues, as well as the not feeling good enough. Let's both try to believe, just for a minute, that we are.

 

[2notbedefeated]

Thanks cragger,

We do seem to have alot of similiar issues - not that i'm glad that those things happend to you which created those insecurities and stuff - it's just nice to know you are not alone. I hope to chat with you later. I gotta go right now.

 

[jeapea]

Cragger~

You've helped me.

jp

 

[Jestadud]

Hi cragger

Thanks. Yeah I think I did have a "pretty good handle" on things.

Don't mean to be rude, I see your question, but don't know how to answer it at the moment. (definetely not ready to do a diary) Not wanting to be all mysterious it just seems stupid and childish. Let me say no one got hurt, I got confused.

Jesta

 

[cragger65]

Jesta,

That's ok if you don't want to talk about it - but I think you'll find about 80% of the posts here begin with the disclaimer, "This is probably silly". I know it feels that way, but it's not.

 

[tazbat]

I was a really secure child always ahd lots of friends and I would talk to anyone who l;ooked like they were listening, but then because of family dramas we had to move interstate and i had to start at a new school. My first day was horrible all the kids were nasty and teased me and no one wanted to be my friend I used to pretend to be sick just so I could sit in the sick bay where they couldnt be nasty to me I put up with it for a whole year until we moved to another town and I went to another school where I was too scared to talk to anybody, luckily it was a tiny school and the kids weren't as mean but I still found it very hard to trust anybody. SInce then I have had 2 good friends one of which I dont talk to anymore and the other one lives on the other side of Australia. I dont have any close friends at the moment and I feel really alone I still have my boyfriend and his friends but its just not the same. I wish I had the confidence to talk to people.

 

[fin]

Tazbat Hi ! I dont believe I have welcomed you before now...so Welcome

I think you have shown a lot of strength joing in here tazbat, and it takes that for confidence to grow. I believe that shows determination and it certainly seems to come across in your writing here and your diary that you are determined. I think that goes quite some way in how you move forward now...

I read that you haven't been diagnosed very long at all and you have a doctors appointment coming up again about 2 weeks (?). Hope it all goes well Tazbat.

~fin

 

[cragger65]

I can relate Tazbat, I changed schools when I was in grade 3 and it was traumatizing. In my first school, I had lots of friends, and everyone knew and accepted me. It has never been the same, and I still wonder at how much such a seemingly simple thing could have such a profound inpact on me as a child. Of course, there was more to the circumstances, but I think I would have weathered it better without that upheaval.

I hope you find some new friends on here to chat and share with. I'm pretty sure you just might, actually.

 

[pandora]

Insecurity...that is a huge one for me, especially the way I look even though people tell me otherwise, I think it has to do with feeling like a failure more than once when I should have trusted my gut and did not. Having a few abusive husbands did not help me feel secure either.....( Just admitting this because it still bothers the sh t out of me......my second husband told me I look good. I was 130lbs and fit...I hear that comment still, even going into the shower, on my own..cannot seem to shake that comment)

As a child..I was in choir,drama, batton, tap, jaz, girl guides, the youth group for my entire teenage years ( church based and really the only reason I am still alive today. I was a strong confident girl with many good friends and I got straight As. I read all the time and I was never a problem to my parents...at least until I hit my teenage years and even then I went to youth conferences but I was just sad, very sad, lost and alone, At least I forgive myself and others now although it has been hard work.

My Dad was dx with cancer when i was 10..died when I was 14..we were very well known to homecare and the hospitals.....my father had 8 sisters, He died when I was 14 and with talking to my youth group leader and needing her... as my mother lost her mind. I was than raped by a stranger who terrorized me for a long time and tried to suffocate me with a pillow....That was when I lost my feeling of security!!!!! I felt people knew, looked differntly at me and my Mom blamed me..I moved in with the youth group leaders...my whole family gone...made me feel more insecure and like a freak!

I remember going to a youth conference the church paid for..TOC ALPHA..a weekend retreat in toronto...I was able to go and the other people that went were my very good friends and the chaperone because she was 18, also a good friend. This stood for taking on cerncerns about life, people and human achievements. It was an amazing retreat. When we had to go to church on the following sunday and tell the congregation what we had learned. I was speaking first...I stood at the pulpit looked up at the congregation and started to speak..the words that came out of my mouth were..OH' MY NERVES..I felt like everyone in the congregation knew about the assault...I felt like I was going to wet myself or vomit or both..I slowly backed behind my friend and she took over.

That was when I started to feel insecure....I made so many bad choices through the years because I felt so insecure. Even after finishing nursing school with good marks..there were days I pushed myself because I thought I was not good enough and I was the only one to get a job out of 8....so I managed.

Now that I no longer can nurse because of my back injury..again I feel insecure. I hope this feeling passes. I need to find something that makes me feel good about myself all the time. Feeling as insecure as I do I will REALLY be alone forever and I would love to find an understanding man.) but I want to love myself first or I will never be able to let anyone fully in as evidenced by my last three failed long term relationships) Sorry I went on a rant there....I just could pinpoint when I lost my sense of self..the person I once new was gone and my soul dead. I remember it happening right in church...what a place! Probably why I have a hard time going to this day.

Sorry this was so long it was kind of healing for me though...many many memories writing this and I do not feel anxiety, I feel peaceful...maybe it is time to forgive GOD soon.....need to go back to church and heal spiritually as my youth group leader just asked me to do when we met a couple of months ago after not speaking for 5 years....sorry, rambling!