Insecurity

[freya]

I can say that I think my own insecurity has to do with not feeling well able to judge a situation, and therefore not being able to react 'properly' or 'adequately'.

For example when someone says something, I can take offense but I also KNOW that my response may be part of PTSD and that if I respond defensively, I may not give a response that's 'adequate' to the situation, I may be overreacting. That is what makes me be quite insecure I never know if my perception is 'correct' (and next I can get lost wondering what 'correct' is, if it exists, and so on.)

This often is a cause for me to not react to someone crossing my boundary, for example. Or to overreact to someone who is crossing my boundary but it's a PTSD-related boundary.

So that is one main thing in my having been insecure, always. I don't trust my own perception and I don't trust my ability to respond adequately...

Freya

 

[TLight]

Freya,
I can definately relate.........not trusting my own perceptions. My therapist and I have talked recently about trusting myself. It is a long process.

And yes, I feel that same thing, insecure about not reacting properly, or saying too much.
I went to Garden Club the other night and my neighborhood friends asked if my friends Chris & Denny who own a local nursery were making it or not. I could have just said it has been a tougher than normal winter........but instead I went into how they asked a couple of relatives for $5 grand to make it through.......then I wanted to turn and run, like I was so inappropriate to share this information with them........I want to curl up in a ball and disappear I feel so terrible when I have poor boundaries............it is scary when it happens, then it is too late.

I still need to talk with my T about this.

 

[cragger65]

Pandora, please don't apologize. That was not a rant, that was healing in a way for me too. Thank you so much for sharing your self and your memories so freely. That made my whole day right there :)

Dave

 

[cragger65]

Freya, I can relate to that very well. My own family was shocked to see "a bit of the inside me". I always appeared so stalwart to them and "together" for that very reason. I didn't react because I had no idea what was appropriate to a lot of situations. Sometimes I'd hit a flow and feel normal, but always when someone else was "leading" if you know what I mean. I would have a sense "this is normal and good", and it was like I was riding their coat-tails and experiencing being normal through them. Does that make any sense at all ;P

Dave

 

[cragger65]

TLight, oooohh can I relate to that. So often someone asks me a simple question, and it's not until I notice the look on their face that says "Way to much detail!!" do I realize what they were looking for from me, and what would have been appropriate. That's so reassuring to know it's not just me.

 

[fin]

I go from hey there wayyy too much information thar missy (!!!) to nothing also. I am so glad to see that I am not alone in that either.

I am really very good in a crisis though....in fact I am better in a crisis than anything else. I guess I got used to living like that for so long. (Just have to try to get it together for the rest of the time now.)

 

[pandora]

Thanx cragger...i can certainly relate also to what others are saying.

My mother always used to tell me i tell people too much...I then found myself saying nothing at all and the isolation from this because I feel insecure about my boundaries also is like a double edged sword. I guess it is the black or white thinking, all or nothing...realizing these things is certainly half the battle. I think I learn more and more every day from the wonderful people here...dealing with and learning to live with this disorder is definately an ongoing process!

 

[cragger65]

I hear that Pandora, I thought this was going to be a one year "tidy up" - now 7 years later, I'm still learning and searching.

All the best,
Dave

 

[pandora]

When I went off work 5 years ago...I thought I would need 10 CBT sessions and I would go back to my life...I was very wrong!

 

[Tinyflame]

I thought it was "just me" and no matter how I looked on the outside I was "hopeless to the core" on the inside. That was 26 years ago.

Thirteen years ago I thought I had simply "changed" and the worst was gone for life -guaranteed.

Last May with no warning unfortunately I picked up where I left off last time.
(-Certainly a steep learning curve. :eek: )

 

[Dylan]

Huh, I really relate to that, as well - that too little or too much boundary thing.

I'm either practically merged (though, most wouldn't know it - it's not an obvious thing, but still devastating to my sense of self) or, in an effort to have some frigging dignity, swing way the hell the other way.

Right now I'm trying to get back 'the other way' and am trying to practice "essential speech". This helps me pull back into myself somewhat...

I'm grateful to know I'm not alone in these struggles. I get tired of feeling so peculiar and odd.

-Dylan

 

[cragger65]

It is a long haul, that's for sure. Dylan, what is "essential speech"? Just curious.