Insomnia Rearing Its Head Again

[MouseWedger]

My lack of sleep is starting to make me think Im losing my mind. I can try to rationalize it away in a number of ways, but what it boils down to is that I want to sleep well again. Like really REALLY want to sleep. No, I need to sleep well again. I'll even settle for decently if I can get it on a regular basis.

I wake up in the middle of the night so often, or better yet my husband says I'm sitting up in bed, eyes open and having conversations with him when he comes to bed. I don't recall these at all and it makes me realize I'm talking/walking in my sleep again. I tell myself I'm waking up all the time because of my medication that has been known to cause insomnia (I'm not willing to give it up though because it helps fight the depression really well) or because of my shoulder hurting - an injury I sustained at work in December that is still being figured out. Inevitably though, while staring at the ceiling trying desperately to fall back asleep, my mind races to my assault from three years ago, or my crazy mothers abuse that I was fortunate enough to put a stop to eleven years ago and barely remember.

I try to tell myself that it's over, to let it go, to move on and go back to sleep. But I never can. It's always there, lurking like the monster I was so sure lived under my bed as a child. It's there, with all those octopus arms ready to crawl up the sides of my bed and pull me under into a deeper darkness where my childhood night light ( now the light of my alarm clock and the soft glow of cell phones charging) cannot reach. It's always there, trying to pull me into a hole where no one can find me. I'll finally start to fall back to sleep after two, maybe three hours, only to feel like Im being slammed into a wall, my head bashed into molding and picture frames. Piano playing away, people laughing, drinking, not realizing that what's happening to me isn't a game. It's not fun. It hurts, its terrifying. If Im not back there, I have the intense fear of a child racing through my mind, pumping the blood through my veins screaming at me to run and hide. Grab the phone and call Daddy. Tell him Mommy hit me again, she's making Gina drink the dish soap and Gina is sick in the kitchen. Mommy has that big red sauce spoon and she's looking for me. I don't know what I did wrong - is it just that I'm alive that has her so angry? Im so tired but I cant sleep. I want to sleep, but what if I fall asleep only to find out that these things are real - I was only dreaming I was an adult trying to go back to sleep? Im really that teenager with a "friend" beating her, trying to rape her while everyone just watches? Or maybe Im that kid again dreaming I was older, bigger, wiser,away from crazy Mommy and her big red spoon.

I'm so tired, and I cant sleep. What if my life right now isn't real? What if.. what if I'm still being hurt and this is just the escape?

 

[James B.]

Hi MouseWedger,

lack of sleep is really difficult, sorry you are experiencing this. Please try to be kind to yourself and remember that insomnia can sometimes distort perceptions, make things seem more confusing or complex (or hopeless) etc.

Hope you get some rest soon, and if you have, hope you're feeling better.

Take care. :)

 

[MouseWedger]

Thanks James,
Im working on letting go of things, and sometimes it helps. It is hard though, you're right. I get frustrated wanting to sleep and not being able to.
Mouse

 

[James B.]

Something about this kind of thing, Mouse, and it's very individualized, is to perhaps take into account a number of environmental things going on in your life, see if any of them (or aspects of them) resonate with you, in terms of possibly exacerbating the insomnia.

By this I mean chemical things (caffeine, sugar etc.) as well as maybe media types, audio/video stimulation, etc. For example: my lifelong PTSD has meant life-long hypervigilance of sorts, so I can sleep (in most suburban settings) with ear plugs, but have a hard time without. Etc.

Good luck!

 

[danc21]

I drift in and out of sleeping patterns. I can go for weeks not being able to sleep at all really, and then it starts sort of biting back at me, then ill be tired most the time and sleep really early. It can be frustrating at times.

Hope your feeling better though, thought i would share with you.

Take care

 

[MouseWedger]

Thank you both. My husband and I are working on possible environmental stimuli.. TV's don't bother me (I regularly fall asleep while we are watching movies), we've cut out caffeine after six thirty or seven at night, I don't eat within two hours of getting ready for bed, I've cut out naps unless they are an absolute must, we live in a very quiet neighborhood so outdoor noises are almost non-existent. I'm hoping that this is just a temporary rut. I'm so tired I feel like I could sleep for days. The hubby say's I slept well last night, though it feels like I didn't sleep at all. Today may be a nap day as we have a housewarming party to attend after he's done at work. We will see how things go!
Mouse

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Hi Mouse,

I know what you are going through. My meds are sedating, but they don't stop me from having nightmares and getting up in the middle of the night. I really feel for you love.

I would also look at environmental things - cutting down the tea and coffee is a start. Not taking naps during the day also a good idea.

Breathing exercises (such as those used in Yoga meditation) for 20 minutes before going to bed can calm you so you get off to sleep more easily. Also a brisk walk before bed or a short jog (if you are the sporty type) helps sometimes to clear the head.

Things that change your core temperature also help as they signal to your body that it is sleep time. Such as, a warm glass of milk or a fan in your room to lower your temperature etc.

Lavender (or something similar) under your pillow case helps 'ground' when you have nightmares - tells your senses where you are (safe). And, it also has good sleep properties.

Keep trying and let us know how you get on. Love to you during this difficult time. xxoo

 

[MouseWedger]

Thank you,
I have been trying the lavender but it makes me feel off for some reason. There's something there that I can't put my finger on, so I've given up on that. I would love to run but can't for the time being, I got hurt at work and exercise aggravates the injury. I feel like I slept better last night, odd though as something outside woke the dog up and upset her something terrible. She ran around the room a few times barking, then stood over me on the bed growling for a good half hour. The hubby says he took her outside, and thinks someone was walking there dog near our window. He could smell heavy vaporub. Just knowing that kept me up all night. Every time I would drift off there was a thud from somewhere that would jolt me awake, the Boogey Man must exist. I know he does. I was too scared to get up and go to the bathroom once or twice, and didn't want to wake my husband up as he never sleeps well to begin with and finally had been sleeping. I fell back asleep sometime after the sun started coming up and felt much better than I have in days when I woke up.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Serial insomniac.

 

[MouseWedger]

I think I must be, now anyways. I haven't slept more than a few hours each night in the past three nights. :( I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Mouse----Of all the things PTSD does, I think the worst has to be the agnozing slow sleepless death.

I cannot stand it either.

My brain gets all hot and throbbing and I get dizzy and have heart palps. Honestly, I am not sure I will survive this.

In total, it's been off and on for MANY years, but the last 6 months have been the worst.

I cantake stuff and my brain just laughs. It really does.

We battle.

I take more and then use booze in meds, like Nyquil which I hate to do. I have not drank straight booze yet but I will if I must.

It makes me scared to feel mybrain in there after nights of no sleep and it's screaming and fighting and refusing to sleep ....any normal brain would WANT to sleep. Not mine. It fights like a mad man kicking and screaming into sleep if it must.

Why does this happen? My heart likes me. My liver likes me. My other organs like me. Why does my brainwork against me so much??:(

 

[MouseWedger]

These past few months have been awful for me as well. I haven't slept for more than a few hours at a time in the past week, and it's starting to drive me crazy. If I get up to do more than go to the bathroom when I find myself staring that the ceiling I will not be able to force myself back to sleep. This, in conjunction with our time change, has been making things excessively hard on my husband. The dog's are confused as to what the time is, they don't understand obviously that it's six in the morning when their bladder says it's seven, and are ready for potty time and breakfast before I am ready to get up. My husband has to get out of bed to take them out now and bring them back, which he doesn't mind, but he too sleeps poorly when I do because of my tossing and he needs his sleep for work. Hopefully this is just getting this bad because the seasons are changing, or something else that will pass soon. Here's to sleep my friend.