Relationship Is all lost?

[Searching]

Wow...not cool...not fair. Get mad! Shake it off...PTSD or not, that is simply immature and hurtful. You are entitled to get really mad at him...spend the entire day having an imaginary conversation with him in which you tell him how he hurt you....use a lot of swearing ? and let it all out! It may sound silly...but it actually helps....and then move on...good guy deep down or not...he is not worth your time or tears...never see him again.

Got to love small towns! I was out with a friend last night and turns out her sister has been seeing him too! We both called him out on it and he denyed our relationship. Kept saying think what you want to think. He got caught and trying to spin things around to be the victim. I feel so dumb I fell for the lies. He was busy, got mandated to work, fell asleep. I'm playing back our whole relationship wondering if everything was a lie. Lies about being "in a bad place and getting help. " Lies about caring for me, his ptsd, just everything. I know I will never know if anything was ever the truth or just lies.

I'm not clingy and I would expect a man to stop living his life and spend all his time with me. I am very understanding and dont get jealous. Try to make sure there is some freedom within the relationship. Sounds great right? Yet I keep getting cheated on! Maybe I'm too understanding, laid back and accommodating?

 

[Butterfly64]

Got to love small towns! I was out with a friend last night and turns out her sister has been seeing him too! We both called him out on it and he denyed our relationship. Kept saying think what you want to think. He got caught and trying to spin things around to be the victim. I feel so dumb I fell for the lies. He was busy, got mandated to work, fell asleep. I'm playing back our whole relationship wondering if everything was a lie. Lies about being "in a bad place and getting help. " Lies about caring for me, his ptsd, just everything. I know I will never know if anything was ever the truth or just lies.

I'm not clingy and I would expect a man to stop living his life and spend all his time with me. I am very understanding and dont get jealous. Try to make sure there is some freedom within the relationship. Sounds great right? Yet I keep getting cheated on! Maybe I'm too understanding, laid back and accommodating?

Maybe you have just met the wrong men so far ? Don’t blame yourself! I too have a million questions for my ex but he is so self protective that I cannot trust his answers...so forget the questions.
I image it must have been quite the bombshell to learn about him seeing her sister as well...what the f...! But you have to turn that around to your own advantage...now you see him, for what he clearly is...he has been dating other women as well...that should make it so much easier to move on! I very much doubt that is due to his PTSD...so show him the door and slam it in his face...bye now ??

 

[blackemerald1]

@Searching - sufferer here. I'm sorry you went through all of this heartache bc of this bloke.

I hope you continue to pursue your career & education. Make the absolute most of all of your talents. Show your daughter how to be her own person.

I honestly don't want to tell you that Mr right will come along. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. Either way you are a whole person & complete in every way. The last thing you really need is a man to validate who & what you are! I'm not anti men, I love em! But I'm single after a few crash & burns.

If you think your daughter is looking for approval etc from a male or even lacking a significant male in her life, well that can be done without you being in a relationship with a male. Think about this & carefully consider how you can help your daughter to right this imbalance in her perception's.

Despite everything you've been through you sound like a really sensible, lovely woman. Aim high for yourself.

 

[Searching]

Why is it that things always come out after a breakup? First finding out about the cheating and now I find out my ex is a high functioning alcoholic! I have never seen him with a drink in his hand. When we went out, he never ordered any kind of alcoholic drink. I remember on our first date he asked if I drank and I told him very rarely. I'm a lightweight and one drink has me stumbling, so I dont drink very often. He told me he drinks when he's out with his friends and when his dad is bored at work. (His father is a bartender) Then asked if that would be a problem with me. I told him not at all, as long as he didn't drink and drive. In my head I thought he drinks a couple nights a week, after a softball game, during bowling, it never occurred to me that it was every night he wasn't with me.

Now I have even more questions, more wondering. Is that the real reason why he was too busy to see me? Is this why he would make plans to see me and "fall asleep?"

In the very beginning, when were were just talking and before we had our first date I had gotten drunk text from him on 2 occasions. It was stuff like I love you and I want you. The first time I replied with, you're either really drunk or your friends have your phone, you can let me know which one it is in the morning. He said it was both. The second time it happened I just asked if I could get some embarrassing stories, thinking I was talking to his drunk friends. Got no responce so I left it like that.

We didn't text a whole lot at night because he said he was busy with meetings or his activities he's involved in. When I get home from work I'm busy being mommy so I didn't mind or think anything about how little we talked at night. But most nights I would always get a good night beautiful from him.

I'm not sure how I missed all these signs! I feel bad for the one girl I know he was cheating on me with because she would hang out at the bar with him. I'm not sure how often they went out on dates together but according to her, most of their conversations were when he was drunk and/or wanting sex and she was getting tired of it. In a way I'm happy I didn't get that treatment but then again if he wanted sex, he had me, his "girlfriend" to cater to that.

So then comes more self doubt, is there something wrong with me? Was I not good in bed? Why would he need to look elsewhere for something I would have been happy to provide? Why was he hiding his drinking from me and not her? Was it because he truly wanted something more meaningful with me? Was everything he ever said to me a lie? Did he care at all? When he told me we was getting help, was it for his alcoholism or his PTSD? I'm questioning if he even has PTDS or if it's just an easy excuse for his bad inexcusable behavior. I will admit, I made PTSD and easy excuse for him to use.

I've talked to some of my veteran family and friends and they all tell me he's a disgrace to the service. They can't believe a Marine veteran would degrade and treat woman the way he has. I'm not sure if he will ever regret what he has done and how he has treated me. I hope he does because no one deserves to be treated this way.

I'm going to be running into him on the 4th during the parade. I dont know what to do and what to do with my daughter. She always runs up to him when she sees him because to her he's my friend and she knows nothing about what has been going on. I dont know if I should tell her not to or just let whatever happens happens. He has always given her a hug and chit chat but after what happened this weekend I'm not sure how he will act and I don't want my child being hurt. His last text to me was that he never wanted me to talk to him again.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Searching.. this bloke was a lying, cheating, drunken d*ckhead. You don't need nor ever will get to the truth and it doesn't really do you any good to know anymore than you already know now. Does it?

In respect to your daughter no! I'd not let this bastard near my child. He's not an ok person to be around - for you, for her - for anyone. Why pretend he's ok when he's not?? Your daughter didn't and doesn't need this bloke in her life so no need to keep putting him in hers.

I don't know what parade you are referring to or why you must run into him. Walk the other way. Get a friend to hold your daughter's hand and steer her as far away from this idiot as you can. He's no good. Leave it at that.

I know you are examining your relationship, your actions, his words, his actions etc., I know you are so hurt and you want to know how he slipped past all of your defences. He lied and he deceived you. He did it deliberately and knowing full well what he was doing.

You seem to be getting a lot of info., after this break-up. Wherever and from whomever you are getting this information - look it's good to know some stuff but there are limits.

Let it go if you can bc he behaved way below your standards and that should be enough to turf him out of you and your daughters life for good.

 

[NeverGiveUp]

I'm not sure if I take no responce as a no, I'm not worth waiting for to him or not.

He's the one who's not worth you, not the other way around.

I am in my 30s and the new trend in dating is just casual date till you find someone better. Umm no, I want a guy to think he's the luckiest man to have me (not sure that will ever happen, but you never know). I don't understand how you can try to see if the relationship is worth moving to the next step when you have other relationships at the same time. Sounds complicated to me.

Just want to let you know, that you're not the only one who has this approach. All those "new trends" in dating are just BS, imho, because some people just don't want to commit.

So then comes more self doubt, is there something wrong with me? Was I not good in bed? Why would he need to look elsewhere for something I would have been happy to provide? Why was he hiding his drinking from me and not her? Was it because he truly wanted something more meaningful with me? Was everything he ever said to me a lie? Did he care at all? When he told me we was getting help, was it for his alcoholism or his PTSD? I'm questioning if he even has PTDS or if it's just an easy excuse for his bad inexcusable behavior. I will admit, I made PTSD and easy excuse for him to use.

There's absolutely nothing wrong you did. PTSD or not, that person is just a dick. You tried everything and you were extremely patient and truly committed.

I'm not clingy and I would expect a man to stop living his life and spend all his time with me. I am very understanding and dont get jealous. Try to make sure there is some freedom within the relationship. Sounds great right? Yet I keep getting cheated on! Maybe I'm too understanding, laid back and accommodating?

I don't think so. Bad things do happen to good people. Is that a reason to stop being good and decent?

You have a foundation for a great relationship in the future. No one knows if it will come one day, but if it does, the good man who will be with you will be very happy.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You seem to be getting a lot of info., after this break-up. Wherever and from whomever you are getting this information - look it's good to know some stuff but there are limits

Completely agreed!

I know it's not the same but my step mom used to tell me all the things my estranged family was saying about me and then all the fun family things she and my dad did with them that I wasn't invited to. Who had babies, who had new babies, how old, who got married, would show me pictutes and so forth. Even my dad saying that he went to my nephew's baseball game. The last time I saw my nephew he was like 3 years old and he's now 16 and local. I have never been invited to a baseball game or over to my sister and her husband's house and they are local.

It was causing me to take a mental nose dive down everytime my step mom and dad would spew info about my family and my therapist had them both into a therapy session simply to tell them to stop giving me any more info about my family. No more info at all.

You know he cheated and is a drunk and is an asshole. That is all you need to know. Move on and leave him behind. No need to add more what if questions to the pool of existing ones! You are rumminating in what ifs and they seem to be keeping you from moving on and adding more info is not helping that.