Samantha_38
Confident
When I don't dissociate sex, I experience extreme anxiety and fear afterwards. Fear he's going to leave. Fear I did something wrong, that I let myself feel it, so he's going to be grossed out by me. It's intense and I never know what to do with it. Trying to be physically closer to him sometimes helps, but as soon as that's over its way worse again. Any one else?
My past is complicated with multiple sexual assualts from multiple men. Due to that, sex has always been complicated for me. After a lot of early assaults of multiple different kinds, I had a very intense hyper-sexual state as a late teen. That honestly clouds the situation as I found myself (somewhat purposefully) in situations with men that would "by the book" be defined as more assaults. The cloudy side of it being that I felt, and at times still feel, as though I consented if not encouraged it at times. So whether I feel those were or weren't assualts changes frequently.
That state started ending with the start of my current relationship nearly 14 years ago. We were both crazy, young, sex-driven, hormonal teenagers with very little supervision, so the sex didn't stop, it just changed and was now more age appropriate than it'd ever been. There were some issues for me PTSD-wise already surrounding the most violent of my assaults but in general sex was the most typical I believe it has ever been for me during that time. My PTSD symptoms in general were less then too. By some miracle we managed to hold off on the first pregnancy until age 19, and that's when a lot changed.
After my first child was born, PTSD really came to the forefront. Sex was a huge problem. I had a complicated child birth and damage that seemed to almost over heal and it made things so painful. How we ever got pregnant with 2nd child is beyond me because sex was horrible. I didn't want sex, if I did it hurt and caused so much dissociation and resentment that I had a lot of issues even completed it. I was too afraid to get help from anyone. We lived that way, having sex very infrequently for pretty much the last 11 years. How we ended up with more kids really is beyond me, but honestly involved a lot of substances prior to the intercourse which made it bearable.
Well kid 3 is now a year old. His birth seemed to painfully correct whatever issues I had going on chronically down there, so no more pain! He is our last kid, quite permanently, and I'm also currently doing the most therapy I've ever done. T has been really encouraging an improved relationship between myself and partner. We've been together 14 years but T feels we are more roommates and co-parents than we are truly in a committed relationship. He isn't entirely wrong with those thoughts.
Due to that I am attempting to increase the sex time. I feel like we are connecting better and joking around more like we used to, but man that time immediately afterwards is terrible! Anyone else? Anything that helped?
My past is complicated with multiple sexual assualts from multiple men. Due to that, sex has always been complicated for me. After a lot of early assaults of multiple different kinds, I had a very intense hyper-sexual state as a late teen. That honestly clouds the situation as I found myself (somewhat purposefully) in situations with men that would "by the book" be defined as more assaults. The cloudy side of it being that I felt, and at times still feel, as though I consented if not encouraged it at times. So whether I feel those were or weren't assualts changes frequently.
That state started ending with the start of my current relationship nearly 14 years ago. We were both crazy, young, sex-driven, hormonal teenagers with very little supervision, so the sex didn't stop, it just changed and was now more age appropriate than it'd ever been. There were some issues for me PTSD-wise already surrounding the most violent of my assaults but in general sex was the most typical I believe it has ever been for me during that time. My PTSD symptoms in general were less then too. By some miracle we managed to hold off on the first pregnancy until age 19, and that's when a lot changed.
After my first child was born, PTSD really came to the forefront. Sex was a huge problem. I had a complicated child birth and damage that seemed to almost over heal and it made things so painful. How we ever got pregnant with 2nd child is beyond me because sex was horrible. I didn't want sex, if I did it hurt and caused so much dissociation and resentment that I had a lot of issues even completed it. I was too afraid to get help from anyone. We lived that way, having sex very infrequently for pretty much the last 11 years. How we ended up with more kids really is beyond me, but honestly involved a lot of substances prior to the intercourse which made it bearable.
Well kid 3 is now a year old. His birth seemed to painfully correct whatever issues I had going on chronically down there, so no more pain! He is our last kid, quite permanently, and I'm also currently doing the most therapy I've ever done. T has been really encouraging an improved relationship between myself and partner. We've been together 14 years but T feels we are more roommates and co-parents than we are truly in a committed relationship. He isn't entirely wrong with those thoughts.
Due to that I am attempting to increase the sex time. I feel like we are connecting better and joking around more like we used to, but man that time immediately afterwards is terrible! Anyone else? Anything that helped?