What is this magical thing and how does it work?
I relied on external cues almost completely (flew by the seat of my pants my whole life, thriving on praise &/or competition from any quarter, trusting the judgment and opinions of others on who/what/how I should be/act/think/behave) … until …I got an attagirl from someone I despised, whilst someone I admired and respected was deeply disappointed in and disgusted with me, over the exact same action. Talk about a mindf*ck moment. It had probably happened before. That just happened to be the first time I cared. Hit me like a lead brick.
One of those
reevaluate everything shifts in life.
It was the first time I began to develop my own moral code, instead of following other people's (or doing whatever the f*ck I felt like at the time). It was a good thing. I was also a very, very hard thing. In part because I could no longer simply follow those I liked and respected. I had to be right with myself first. And sometimes that meant disagreeing with those I liked and respected. Or agreeing with those I didn’t.
I still listened to those I respected and admired… and I learned very quickly to check myself
hard if I'm catching flak from that quarter, just the same as getting praise from assholes… but if I'm right with it? Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Self respect. It’s a thing.
I was lucky... I was in the middle of being very, very busy at the time… In a way that also let me seriously thrash out the edges and limits of that code.
It wasn't until later, much later, after the cold hard left that I got sucked down into the guilt/shame/depression abyss. For the things I did, the things I didn't do, the things I wished I had done differently. Especially from before I thrashed out my own shit, but also from when I was learning, or broke with it after. Regret. Also a thing.
PTSD adds an extra sharp edge to that. My PTSD is tied up both in things I did, & things I didn't do. So there is some overlap in working out my own beliefs about what is right/wrong/necessary that is sometimes difficult to sort, but it's a different level. Still, remorse & regret gut me. And that provides easy access for my PTSD to get wildly out of hand and the whole thing snowballs if I don't sort that shit pronto.
So what IS internal validation? IMO/IME Trusting your own judgment above that of others, but not to the exclusion of others. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m right/wrong/etc. Although it can still be useful, fun, edifying, or even wanted? It’s not needed. It’s bonus, not backbone.
How to get there? Practice. A whole helluva lot of practice.
ETA : START by making a list of what you already don’t need others to tell you. It will probably seem veeeeeeeery stupid (like I have blue eyes, I know when I need to use the loo & how badly, etc.) but? It gives you a baseline to refer back to / against which to pattern what you’re working on. Then create some broad categories of other things that fall into different levels of trusting your own judgment / assessement / abilities / beliefs… and start practicing.
ETA2 : You might find this thread useful >>>
How do you build/find self worth?