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Internet Dating For Ptsd Dummies
- Post starter Gloria
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That's it in a nutshell for me. I'm not looking for someone to rescue me, but someone who will be there whilst I try to be myself - and will love me anyway. (I guess what most people get in a mother!!) I just want someone un-dysfunctional and capable of real grounded life and real grounded love that will enable me to just be, warts and all.
Sounds simple in principle, but I so wary of men and find dating so hard.... I wish I'd just meet someone who i could get to know and it all kind of just happen... I do internet dating and know I keep falling at early hurdles of my own making half the time. I freak out just checking out profiles. I dread the dates. I don't know how to pick someone, i dont even know how to feel attracted to someone...
My T said "dating is supposed to be fun" And I'm like .......eh?????!
PS once got a guy contacting me from the other end of the country, said hello, he would like to meet me, then he'd move up and we'd buy a place and he'd be really affectionate and he had it all planned out, 2 paragraphs of his fantasy.... how bizarre
Internet dating is definitely not for me at the moment. Had one bad experience also with a man who wanted me to move in with him after two cups of coffee. Said he loved me and that at our age we had no time to waste. :eek:
My ex is on to number 3 or 4 I think. The problem is you get on a dating site and the expectations of a lot of people are ridiculous to say the least. The majority of older guys want a younger woman, perhaps to make them feel younger I don't know. How do they really expect a woman or man twenty to forty years younger to still be there for them when they revert back to diapers and drooling. I think not, unless they married for money.
I read the dating site adds a lot, more for a laugh than anything else. The only ones I like are when they are more interested in one step at a time, and don't expect the earth. When you're older looks don't come first, a persons personality such as being kind hearted, easy going and compatibility is more important. Well that's what I think, and hopefully they have the're own teeth. Hahahaha!
I just want someone to accept me the way I am, treat me right and to be there for me when I need them, of course I would do the same for them. High expectations, haven't I. :cautious:
My ex is on to number 3 or 4 I think. The problem is you get on a dating site and the expectations of a lot of people are ridiculous to say the least. The majority of older guys want a younger woman, perhaps to make them feel younger I don't know. How do they really expect a woman or man twenty to forty years younger to still be there for them when they revert back to diapers and drooling. I think not, unless they married for money.
I read the dating site adds a lot, more for a laugh than anything else. The only ones I like are when they are more interested in one step at a time, and don't expect the earth. When you're older looks don't come first, a persons personality such as being kind hearted, easy going and compatibility is more important. Well that's what I think, and hopefully they have the're own teeth. Hahahaha!
I just want someone to accept me the way I am, treat me right and to be there for me when I need them, of course I would do the same for them. High expectations, haven't I. :cautious:
- Post starter
- #328
Gloria
Diamond Member
I read your posts and all I can say about finding someone who will not judge you is finding someone spiritual that will see the person behind the symptoms, not judge you but just love you.
When I do feel lonely or bitter sometimes, I listen to the majority of my friends who actually have horror stories about the men they have been married to many years. The grass always looks greener on the other side but I have girlfriends that haven't had sex in years, support their husbands, have unfaithful husbands and a male friend that actually despises his wife and calls her filthy names.
If you have a passion for anything like photograhy, classic movies, whatever and try to find someone who at least shares those interests, I would settle for that. I did meet someone who is a veterinarian and his hunting dogs and horses are his life. Well, I am the same way and I like him because he is a doctor and I can explain to him medical conditions. Isn't it strange that people totally understand why a dog acts peculiar when he was traumatized but then people expect individuals to just get over it? Like our rational brain really runs the show? If it did, there would be no obese, heavy smokers, gamblers or drug users.
My gosh, I just had a great idea but I don't know if it would work. We PTSD sufferers are pretty upfront and in touch with our emotions, maybe we should start a dating website? I think they have a site for alcoholics to hook up and that makes sense because you would want to have someone who understands their disease. What would we call it? How about PTSD match.com? I wonder how that would work? ;)
When I do feel lonely or bitter sometimes, I listen to the majority of my friends who actually have horror stories about the men they have been married to many years. The grass always looks greener on the other side but I have girlfriends that haven't had sex in years, support their husbands, have unfaithful husbands and a male friend that actually despises his wife and calls her filthy names.
If you have a passion for anything like photograhy, classic movies, whatever and try to find someone who at least shares those interests, I would settle for that. I did meet someone who is a veterinarian and his hunting dogs and horses are his life. Well, I am the same way and I like him because he is a doctor and I can explain to him medical conditions. Isn't it strange that people totally understand why a dog acts peculiar when he was traumatized but then people expect individuals to just get over it? Like our rational brain really runs the show? If it did, there would be no obese, heavy smokers, gamblers or drug users.
My gosh, I just had a great idea but I don't know if it would work. We PTSD sufferers are pretty upfront and in touch with our emotions, maybe we should start a dating website? I think they have a site for alcoholics to hook up and that makes sense because you would want to have someone who understands their disease. What would we call it? How about PTSD match.com? I wonder how that would work? ;)
Sounds good Gloria and I agree it is important to have someone who shares the same interest with you. Doesn't have to be everything, but there is no point in hooking up with someone who lives and eats football and you hate it or vice versa.
A PTSD dating site, don't know about that unless you get a kick out of triggering each other. Sorry just joking. I would like someone who is more grounded and able to put up with me when I have a 'dip' and don't feel to good. Someone who say's "I'll cook the dinner" you go and rest sweetheart. Hahahahha, haven't met one of though's types yet, although they do exist. A gentle but strong giant would be nice, after all I deserve it this time round.
I haven't changed, am still a nice caring person. Would just like to meet the male version of me.
A PTSD dating site, don't know about that unless you get a kick out of triggering each other. Sorry just joking. I would like someone who is more grounded and able to put up with me when I have a 'dip' and don't feel to good. Someone who say's "I'll cook the dinner" you go and rest sweetheart. Hahahahha, haven't met one of though's types yet, although they do exist. A gentle but strong giant would be nice, after all I deserve it this time round.
I haven't changed, am still a nice caring person. Would just like to meet the male version of me.
- Post starter
- #330
Gloria
Diamond Member
My all time favorite therapist once drew me a picture of me in a relationship. I was a squiggly line of ups and downs and he added lines for men that I would date. Well, even if a man is stable and solid but doesn't completely understand my PTSD (and who could?) he explained the man would start to a squiggly line himself because he would start going up and down with my moods. So it's important that we are a mildly wavey line before we engage in a relationship. Loloma, I think you are so sweet and nice that you will find someone.
I've started back on an online dating website and man is it tough and I'm strongly considering taking my profile down because I had a revelation this weekend. This online dating has really bought to my attention how mixed up my thoughts are on sex/dating/love. I know a big part of my confusion with boundries stems from from my past. I mean how can someone who was sexually abused, assualted and raped by many men starting at 7 years old really have a chance of knowing what healthy attraction and boundries are?
The light bulb finally went off this weekend after I slept with two different men and felt absolutely nothing afterwards and even left in the middle of the night because all I could think about was getting the heck out of there. I used to joke that I was like a guy and didnt like to snuggle or sleep over, but since Ive started working on my PTSD with my therapist, light bulbs are going off all over the place and I'm learning why I do what I do and that my past abuse has really impacted my life way more than I ever wanted it to. Heck, more often than not I don't even get satisfied at all but man I put on a good show. I even disassociate during sex.
It's almost like this other person comes out and "performs" for me and I am just watching. It happened both times this weekend with both men. Reading that makes me feel terrible but its so true and I think online dating really has made there be even more shades of grey for me. I thought about it a lot yesterday and when I logged into our forum this morning and read stuff about internet dating I thought I would share some of my thoughts. Thanks for listening.. this is the only place I feel like sharing what I did won't get me judged.
<Inserted paragraphs for readability.>
The light bulb finally went off this weekend after I slept with two different men and felt absolutely nothing afterwards and even left in the middle of the night because all I could think about was getting the heck out of there. I used to joke that I was like a guy and didnt like to snuggle or sleep over, but since Ive started working on my PTSD with my therapist, light bulbs are going off all over the place and I'm learning why I do what I do and that my past abuse has really impacted my life way more than I ever wanted it to. Heck, more often than not I don't even get satisfied at all but man I put on a good show. I even disassociate during sex.
It's almost like this other person comes out and "performs" for me and I am just watching. It happened both times this weekend with both men. Reading that makes me feel terrible but its so true and I think online dating really has made there be even more shades of grey for me. I thought about it a lot yesterday and when I logged into our forum this morning and read stuff about internet dating I thought I would share some of my thoughts. Thanks for listening.. this is the only place I feel like sharing what I did won't get me judged.
<Inserted paragraphs for readability.>
- Post starter
- #332
Gloria
Diamond Member
Let's face it, PTSD sufferers aren't the only ones with relaltionship issues and that's why I think we are just as entitled to have a relationship as anyone else. If we think of ourselves as damaged merchandise and act like someone is being a saint or doing us this huge favor by putting up with our illness, that only puts us that positions us to subserviant position and we are constantly apologizing and feeling guitly. Would a man with no legs constantly apologize for not being able to walk?
The whole dating game has changed in the last ten years. When I was younger, I went out to dinner with a black lawyer. It actually was a business meeting but I let him pick me up at my house. That ruined my reputation! I was branded woman. Any woman that got pregnant out of marriage years ago was a branded woman (and the children were ashamed). But now, all I see is mixed racial couples on the television commericials. The rules have changed about sex. Do you feel like you did something sinful?
Maybe you felt lonely. I know that being a sexual abuse survivor, I dissociated for many years when having sex. You might have slipped a little. I hope you took precautions against STD's but it's nothing to feel really bad about. You might have been lonely and wanting to connect but they weren't people that you could connect with.
I'm reading more and more about this primal need that every human being has to be connected to others. Look what people do in the name of love? Parents sacrifice for their children. Children spend all their time and money taking care of their elderly parents. People who have been abused or abandoned spend so much time and energy trying to feel loved and part of a family. We are human. Be gentle on yourself. I know I have to be because I did some really stupid things in my life and I've forgiven myself.
Hugs,
Gloria
The whole dating game has changed in the last ten years. When I was younger, I went out to dinner with a black lawyer. It actually was a business meeting but I let him pick me up at my house. That ruined my reputation! I was branded woman. Any woman that got pregnant out of marriage years ago was a branded woman (and the children were ashamed). But now, all I see is mixed racial couples on the television commericials. The rules have changed about sex. Do you feel like you did something sinful?
Maybe you felt lonely. I know that being a sexual abuse survivor, I dissociated for many years when having sex. You might have slipped a little. I hope you took precautions against STD's but it's nothing to feel really bad about. You might have been lonely and wanting to connect but they weren't people that you could connect with.
I'm reading more and more about this primal need that every human being has to be connected to others. Look what people do in the name of love? Parents sacrifice for their children. Children spend all their time and money taking care of their elderly parents. People who have been abused or abandoned spend so much time and energy trying to feel loved and part of a family. We are human. Be gentle on yourself. I know I have to be because I did some really stupid things in my life and I've forgiven myself.
Hugs,
Gloria
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