Intimacy And Ptsd

[Mybirch12]

@Britt.f7 I wanted to especially thank you for making me laugh! Do you have any idea how many times I have thought the same damn thing!?

I will though say that the...err...'end' works fine (?), it's all the emotional thoughts, feelings and bodily reactions BEFORE that which don't, which is what is even MORE confusing.

I definitely don't feel as alone as I have for the past three years after reading some of these replies, and I'm pretty certain that this is FAR more common then many people would like to share, or it's simply just not on the top of their list of topics.

What I DO know is this part of me WAS integral to my happiness, so it's a part of me that is just glaringly obvious and certainly is to my fiancée.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Mybirch12

Maybe this is just me, but I don't think you need to get into the "whys" of why your house fire was so damaging to you. I think we get it. Well I think I get it, even though my trauma was very different.

I think I know why you feel the need to explain. Well, outsiders don't get it. Outsiders don't get me or my behavior. But, these are people who have no idea what it's like to have your whole life get ripped away from you. They can't know simply because they haven't been through it.

I'll stop rambling now. Just wanted to share.

 

[Promicarus]

I can remember having interest, being receptive to my partners in the past, having 'THAT' feeling, the feeling of attraction, but it's as distant to me now as any of my other emotions feel.

I will though say that the...err...'end' works fine (?), it's all the emotional thoughts, feelings and bodily reactions BEFORE that which don't, which is what is even MORE confusing.

What's called "Emotional Numbing" is one of the primary, hallmark symptoms of PTSD. Maybe you should read some material on PTSD, just to familiarize yourself with what you should expect. I recommend "Trauma and Recovery" by Herman (M.D.), but that's just one of many. It's not that it will address the symptom, much less eradicate it...but it does help dispel the "what's wrong with me! Is it my fault!" kind of desperation, that can be as bad, or worse, (I've found, at least)

What I DO know is this part of me WAS integral to my happiness, so it's a part of me that is just glaringly obvious and certainly is to my fiancée.

You mentioned the "Just Do It" approach. And certainly, that may be better for your relationship than refusing sex, altogether (usually is, in my experience). But I wouldn't be surprised if, sooner or later, your fiancee notices the "something missing" you've described.

I've had cPTSD since youth...and I was good enough at fooling myself, to fool others. But I found, the 'front', the 'act', only went so far. People could accept it at first, and for a while...but eventually, it wore thin. People notice, after a while.

So it may be time to suggest to your fiance that she familiarize herself with PTSD by doing some reading, herself. Otherwise, it's natural for the first, gut-level reaction to be "there's something wrong with me...or his feelings for me...he doesn't really love me, etc."

And worse...you might never even know about it...she may never bring it up...but instead, just leave, due to not only not getting what she expects, but thinking that there's "just nothing there", on your end. Just speaking from experience. I think that her understanding what's going on, and so even helping you work through it...is far better than just trying to "keep up the ruse" by "Just doing it", and pretending. In the long run, anyway. And I think sharing the real reason as to what's behind it will actually help you become closer, in all likelihood, and result in your feeling as though you aren't "hiding something from her", which ironically, is likely to make you less stressed, and so more likely to be able to open up. Good luck

 

[Waterfall17]

The complete loss of libido is something I'm currently struggling with, too. I have only been married for about a year and a half (I'm 24)...and in the beginning of my marriage, everything was ok; I enjoyed being intimate with my partner. But for the past 6 months or so, I have had no desire whatsoever. In fact, I despise it. I don't want to be intimate with him because it's too painful emotionally/psychologically. I have tried to explain my sentiments, but he just doesn't get that it has nothing to do with how he looks, how I feel about him as a person....

I just don't want to remember. I don't know exactly what I'm trying to forget, but every time I am intimate, these tears come out from a place soul-deep, a place I can't seem to grab hold of. And I know I am not ready to enter that place again myself, much less share it with someone else.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me--I am not crazy! I'm not the only person who feels this way and is unsure how to come to a place of peace and resolution with intimacy.

If your partner actually believes that you have PTSD (unlike mine), this will help you immensely. Your partner will still have trouble understanding, but I think trust in you will increase.

To those who cannot feel: eventually you will be able to feel again...it's like a frozen waterfall encountering the warmth of spring. It hurts. Emotions become more difficult to understand and control. People around you are often mystified. But it doesn't matter; you're healing. Don't give up.

 

[sthrngirl]

Do you work out regularly? Seems to help my boyfriend with his PTSD and his sex drive.

 

[The Albatross]

Glad this thread came back up - I did order Healing Sex and thanks to the person who recommended it. This intimacy thing is one of the last of the consistently difficult issues I have. Been following along on the thread, but not up to really commenting. Thanks

 

[Promicarus]

To those who cannot feel: eventually you will be able to feel again...it's like a frozen waterfall encountering the warmth of spring. It hurts. Emotions become more difficult to understand and control. People around you are often mystified. But it doesn't matter; you're healing. Don't give up.

Thanks so much for your honesty, and a great post. I agree entirely

 

[Waterfall17]

Thanks!

Sometimes being honest is difficult...! But I believe honesty presented in the right way at the right moment leads to healing :).

 

[bell]

Another thanks here for mentioning the book Healing Sex or else I never would have heard of it. I downloaded it, and it looks like just what I need in order to move forward. :)

 

[bell]

Just wanted to recommend another book that was helpful in case it might be helpful to any of you, Slow Sex. It's basically about bringing things back to basics and resetting what sex/intimacy really means/feels like.

 

[The Albatross]

Thanks Bell, will look into getting that one as well.... it is (resuming intimacy) my priority this year.

 

[Badger]

I strongly believe trauma is stored in the body. I was sexually abused (Not forcibly) by a 28 year old in a position of authority over me when I was 13. During the process of this I developed what I think were at the time an abnormal level of inhibitions. Just learned how to say NO really really well. I noticed I had trouble being sexually aroused when I was alone with men as a result of those inhibitions. For a while I was only with women- because it didn't happen with women-I didn't have intercourse with a man until I was 21. As I was still inhibited when I was alone with men. I ended up in a 3 person relationship. I could be with a man just not alone :).

Then when I was in my early 30's the whole thing ended because the good experiences finally beat out the bad ones. They became the larger and and more important part of my memories about sex and I lost that fear stored in my body that was the source of the inhibition. I figured out how to trick my own body into not being anxious. Anxiety sort of short circuts your sex drive. Of course noone here has had the exact same experience or the same way of dealing with it. But it's worth finding the source of your body memory of fear and beating that somehow. I don't think therapists do really well with intimacy issues in general. They seem to sort of emphasize the negatives and they don't really go into positive coping strategies that much. I would say find something you DO like to do with your partener and make sex a part of that somehow. That way you will be relaxed because you will be enjoying yourself.