Intimacy And Ptsd

[pursuitofahappyheart]

Hi everyone,

I do not often post but am an avid reader. I searched posts on this question but still felt like I needed a more personal perspective.

I experienced CSA when I was younger and have since been diagnosed with CPTSD and DDNOS. The trauma has only resurfaced in the past two years, in that time I broke up with my partner when it was too much, only to get back together recently. I have recently let him in on everything I am going through including triggers, safety strategies and some background information. He says he is super supportive.

I got very overwhelmed after my partner's session with my psychologist 3 weeks ago, and haven't been able to physically see him since. I also have anxiety and depression which are very prevalent for me right now. It has gotten to the point though where I am avoiding him for a number of reasons.

I am feeling very stuck. I want to be with my partner... and enjoy our relationship... but every time I think about being intimate with him I feel very PTSD-y and sick and flashback-y and I just want to run away. It is difficult for our relationship. I know its going to be like this, and despite pushing through a multitude of times when he didn't know anything... I know how horrendous it was for me and I don't want a repeat of the ordeal. Often I was reliving the CSA and he didn't know that I was very dissociated. Now he knows, it just seems impossible and like more trouble than it is worth.

We are also lacking an emotional connection at the moment. We usually get on so well and I love him to bits... I love everything about him. But I have asked for a bit of space while I come to terms with him knowing everything and... I feel he has completely cut me off now. I make contact and feel guilty for the way I come across, the way he answers and everything I am putting him through with this. I don't know how to move from this space into someone I can feel safe with and trust. Do I push for this or let him figure it out?

There is no handbook for this (we wish) and it is f*cking hard!! Any help/advice appreciated.........



xo Lisa

 

[Thizette]

Don't push yourself to be physically intimate. When you're ready, you'll know. And when you're with a supportive person and you feel emotionally connected to them, and they're right for you, you'll know, and you'll be surprised and how comfortable you are with intimacy when everything is right. The hard part is taking that first step and talking to someone about it. And the thing is, you can't just talk about it once. You need to be able to keep talking about it. You need to be able to tell your partner how you are feeling and why, anytime that you need to. And if what you say to your partner is "I'm not able to do this right now," your partner needs to say, "That's OK." Preferably, your partner will also offer you chocolate, or something else to comfort you. I wish you happy healing, even though I know it's a difficult road ahead for you. Keep moving towards your healthiest self. <3