Relationship Intimacy

[monicaelise]

Chrissy's post below has got me to thinking a bit about the issue of intimacy, specifically physical intimacy, with men who have PTSD. For those of you who have partners who are still interested in a physical relationship and are able to perform, do you find there are things you can do with/for your partner that help with the symptoms? Without being vulgar, I'm asking specifically about things that you find helpful/harmful in the bedroom.

My goal here isn't to dig up sordid stories, I've just come to realize that verbal communication is often next to impossible with a sufferer but even during those times they still seem to want physical closeness. Is there way to use this aspect of your relationship to strengthen your bond while helping to alleviate some of the symptoms they experience?

On the flipside, have you noticed things that seem to aggravate symptoms or put more distance between you? Are there activities/behaviours that "bring out the worst"?

Again, I know there is quite a bit of information available on the difficulties for women with PTSD, but what about the men? I'd really like to hear from both carers and male sufferers on this subject. I don't want gory details. I just would like to hear about the things you all have learned along the way about this dimension of your relationships.

 

[amethist]

Hi monicaelise.

This is a good one, as unfortunately as with most mental health issues, intimacy can be one of the first things to go and the last to get back. Humour is the opposite, as in last to go first to get back, even if it does change a bit.

The best thing I have found is to not worry about it, let them know its OK if is goes. Let them know it is OK if it is infrequent, let hem know you understand if they turn off from you.

As time passes and they begin to recover, they get there interest back, not as much as before maybe, but back.

I take it as it comes now, understanding that it is the icing on the cake of a relationship, not the cake itself.

 

[monicaelise]

Thanks for replying amethist. Actually, there's been no loss of intimacy and I would understand completely if he wanted or needed a break (my own libido is only as good as the partner I'm with...if they're off, I'm off and vice versa...so I don't mind the dry spells). What I am wondering is whether there are things that seem to help, or harm, the relationship within that aspect of it.

We've always had much less difficulty with this part of the relationship than we do actually talking (it's one of the few areas where the communication has been extremely easy and open), and I've found things change somewhat dramatically with his state of mind. Things may go from very playful and fun to intense and quiet to almost rough for lack of a better word. I'm mildly concerned that indulging some of the behaviour may aggravate certain moods and, at the same time, I wonder if there are things that any of you may have noticed over the years that sooth some of the anger or help with the isolation.

I agree that sex is just the icing, but bad icing can ruin a cake and good can make even a so so cake a whole lot better.

Oh, and yes, I do realize that every relationship is different, but since so many of us have seen so many of the same behaviours/issues arise within our own relationships, I figured that this would be a good place to look for some insight.

 

[HollyB]

Monicaelise: I'm getting the sense that the PTSD-sex between the two of you is a lot rougher (and less lovey-dovey) than the pre-PTSD-sex, and that you're worried that you're enabling his destructive thinking. Am I right?

 

[monicaelise]

Actually it's the unmedicated sex vs. the medicated. It's never been a lovey-dovey dynamic, and I definitely wouldn't want it if it was, but my concern is that he may be aggravating his own symptoms by acting out in this way. He hasn't changed significantly, but with the current wave of moods, I'm just concerned that his proclivities are increasing his internal tension.

Also, there's the other side of this coin that I'm wondering about...are there ways to use the intimate parts of a relationship to reassure/calm/soothe?

I want to make it clear, however, he is in no way abusive and he has always been very affectionate in spite of the moods.

 

[Lost Again]

Hi Monicaelise,

My partner (who refuses to take anti-depressants but is in therapy twice a week) is really sweet in bed and says really sweet things when we are intimate. I think for him that time is when he really feels loved and secure and happy. Unfortunately, many of our arguments start around sex :( He gets upset when he feels rejected by me. I think he could spend all day in bed because it makes him feel good and not depressed as he usually does. I think maybe even he's subconciously seeking the high he gets from the release of endorphins. I heard endorphins are an anti-depressant. Unforunately, I work full time, am pregant, have a pre schooler and a house to maintain and I just don't have the time nor energy to keep up with his constant desire. For him, a rejection is a rejection of him and a sign that he's a loser and unlovable and all the untrue things that constantly play through his mind. At the beginning of our relationship, before he was diagnosed and sought therapy, a rejection of sex could actually lead to violent outburts and I felt intimidated and felt I couldn't say no. Since then I have told him that I will not be intimidated into being with him (and theoretically he gets it). Even though he has got the violence under control, the issue of whether to be intimate still gives me anxiety. Often I want to and I tell him all the time that he gets more sex than most married men lol. But saying no gives me butterflies in my stomach because I don't know what's going to ensue. Sometimes he's ok with it, sometimes he gets sullen and brooding, and then ends up sabatoging our day.

To your point, I think sex can be a really good way to calm their soul. In my experience, with only one PTSD man, what he seeks is closeness, harmony, and love when he's feeling insecure. But at the same time, I don't feel comfortable be used sexually (against my soul's desire) to make him feel better. But if you have the libido to keep up with it, go for it ;p Your man may however be releasing his anger and frustration through rough sex which could be good or bad. how does he seem emotionally after?