I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. About six months ago, I started to think about several incidents that happened towards the beginning of our relationship. We had talked about them briefly after they happened, but I’ve only recently begun to realize how much they have affected me.
The most serious of these incidents, the one I always come back to, happened after we had just had consensual sex. We were getting dressed to go out, but he stopped me and asked if we could do it again, this time from behind. Because the relationship was new and he was my first sexual partner, I was still uncomfortable with different positions. So I told him “I don’t know” and “I don’t think so,” finding myself unable to directly just say “No.” But he kept asking. He wanted to know why I didn’t want to, and I couldn’t tell him why because I thought it sounded silly—I was self-conscious about how my body might look from behind. He asked for only 30 seconds. I don’t remember if I ended up saying something like “Fine” or “I guess,” or if I just said nothing at all. But he ended up moving me into position over the desk, pushing down on my back to get me lower. He had to crouch a little to be able to get inside me. I waited for the 30 seconds to be over. Finally, he turned me around, kissed me, and said “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I smiled as best I could, then turned around to get my clothes, my cheeks burning.
We talked about this about a week later. He felt terrible and apologized repeatedly. I comforted him, assuring him that he hadn’t raped me. Because it didn’t feel like that at the time. And things felt completely normal until I started thinking about things again six months ago. Since then, we’ve talked about everything many times. His reactions have been better than I could have hoped for. He understands that I don’t want to have sex anymore, he encourages me to talk to my friends about it, he gives me as much time to myself as I need. He tries not to cry in front of me because he doesn’t want to make things about him. We’re both seeing therapists and trying to heal.
I feel safe. I’m not worried about it happening ever again. But I feel sick when I think about it. I’m frustrated that he still insists that he didn’t know I didn’t want to. Because how could he not know? Although objectively I know “I don’t know” and “I don’t think so” do not qualify as consent, his refusal to acknowledge that he knowingly acted against my will plants a seed of doubt in my mind. Am I wrong to blame him? Was it my fault for not being able to just say “No”? Is it wrong for me to leave him because of this? Is it wrong for me to stay?
The most serious of these incidents, the one I always come back to, happened after we had just had consensual sex. We were getting dressed to go out, but he stopped me and asked if we could do it again, this time from behind. Because the relationship was new and he was my first sexual partner, I was still uncomfortable with different positions. So I told him “I don’t know” and “I don’t think so,” finding myself unable to directly just say “No.” But he kept asking. He wanted to know why I didn’t want to, and I couldn’t tell him why because I thought it sounded silly—I was self-conscious about how my body might look from behind. He asked for only 30 seconds. I don’t remember if I ended up saying something like “Fine” or “I guess,” or if I just said nothing at all. But he ended up moving me into position over the desk, pushing down on my back to get me lower. He had to crouch a little to be able to get inside me. I waited for the 30 seconds to be over. Finally, he turned me around, kissed me, and said “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I smiled as best I could, then turned around to get my clothes, my cheeks burning.
We talked about this about a week later. He felt terrible and apologized repeatedly. I comforted him, assuring him that he hadn’t raped me. Because it didn’t feel like that at the time. And things felt completely normal until I started thinking about things again six months ago. Since then, we’ve talked about everything many times. His reactions have been better than I could have hoped for. He understands that I don’t want to have sex anymore, he encourages me to talk to my friends about it, he gives me as much time to myself as I need. He tries not to cry in front of me because he doesn’t want to make things about him. We’re both seeing therapists and trying to heal.
I feel safe. I’m not worried about it happening ever again. But I feel sick when I think about it. I’m frustrated that he still insists that he didn’t know I didn’t want to. Because how could he not know? Although objectively I know “I don’t know” and “I don’t think so” do not qualify as consent, his refusal to acknowledge that he knowingly acted against my will plants a seed of doubt in my mind. Am I wrong to blame him? Was it my fault for not being able to just say “No”? Is it wrong for me to leave him because of this? Is it wrong for me to stay?
