Intimate Relationships

[LostBear325]

I need help. My girlfriend of 2.5 years knows about everything that has happened in my past, and all the flashbacks i have and how i am dealing with it. She knows how stressed out it makes me and how hard it is for me to even make it through my daily life without collapsing. And yet, she gets angry with me for not wanting an intimate relationship for 4 days. It is very difficult for me to see the things i do in my head, and then somehow be in that sort of mood. I have tried to explain it but she just says i am selfish and that if thats how i am then i shouldn't have put myself in to a physical relationship in the first place. I don't know what to do, or what to tell her. It is not that i don't want to at all, but it is very hard.

Please help. She is the only person i have left, and i don't want to lose her. But i feel if i don't become more sexually active, that is what will happen and i don't want to be more alone then i already feel.

 

[missd84]

Intimacy of any kind is difficult for me too, even tho I used to block it out. You are entitled to want to feel loved. It's a basic human need. I don't have advice for you except that if she can't find a way to compromise, then she's not worth it

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

I am not sure if I am the right person to answer to your post, but somehow I felt compelled to read your post. I can fully understand how you are feeling and in what kind of a bind you must feel.

First of all, I agree with missd84 that you have a right to feel loved and respected. It is indeed a human need and I am happy that you are able to feel that need. I am not there yet. You seem to be open with her about your experiences, feelings, etc... PTSD is an all encompassing experience. It controls my life day to day, what I am able to do and what I am unable to do. One day I may be able to do one thing and then the next day I am unable to do that same thing. People become frustrated with me too for that. It is frustrating how people suddenly see our limitations as a personal attack toward them. Would your girlfriend prefer sexual activity with you if you are not actually in your body, but are just going through the motions? She clearly fell in love with you for a reason, but now she wants a different person?

Yes, I do understand that she has needs as well that probably follow her hormonal pattern more than thought about you. It must be difficult to smother biological needs as a normal human being. I on the other hand don't know what those feelings are. For me, having someone pressure me into something I cannot give at the time, especially when the person knows about my background and reasons why, as well as that I am working hard on getting better, would be an extremely uncomfortable situation. I would have to compromise what little self-respect I have for myself in order to give the person what he or she wants.

I completely understand how you must be feeling... Whatever choice you make will be difficult, for different reasons... I hope you find the one that you can live with the best.

Sending caring thoughts!

 

[Srain]

LostBear, you said you've been with your gf for over 2yrs and she knows all about your PTSD but can't be understanding enough why you won't be intimate for 4 days? I don't get that. Are you able to explain to her what is going on during this time or are you unable to express yourself?

My first feeling as a Survivor is, if she cared about you and she knows your history then I don't think 4 days is asking too much. I don't know the nature of your trauma but trauma is trauma and shut down is shut down.

My second feeling is, remembering that there is knowing and there is UNDERSTANDING about PTSD. Very different things. Your gf may know about it but does she understand what all it is about?

The other thing is, what I first mentioned, how well are you communicating your need for space and why you need it? Is she feeling neglected? Or is she feeling unloved? All kinds of things can go through a woman's mind when men don't communicate. Communication is very important.

I am terrible at communicating while I'm in the middle of an episode, I'm feeling so much it's difficult to express myself, or those feelings may be from things of the past and have nothing to do with my loved one that I'm with now. I would think about making sure she has understanding, information, and that you spend time talking about YOUR needs as well. Anthony has a post on here about being assertive as being part of our recovery, it's helpful for us to remember we need our needs met as well. We need to communicate those in a positive way.
Good luck.

peace,
rain

 

[sillybearmama]

LostBear,

I can completely relate to your situation, I have gone through this same struggle with my husband for the last 5+ years! We have just recently started to have very open communication about why I can't always satisfy his needs and why he gets so upset when I am unable to do so. As rain mentioned above your girlfriend may be feeling rejected or unloved (this is how my husband feels) when you are unable to be intimate with her. You need to be able to communicate with her very effectively that it isn't about her, it's about the pain you have suffered and that you need to care for yourself. You also need to explain to her that forcing yourself to be intimate when you don't want to is only re-victimizing yourself, which I'm sure she wouldn't want you to do if she really loves you.

I would suggest trying to come up with some kind of compromise when you don't feel like being intimate, is there something else you can do to satisfy her need? Sometimes I may not feel like I'm able to have intercourse with my husband but I am comfortable satisfying his needs in other ways. Be sure that you are being true to your own feelings though whatever choice you make, and always be very clear that the reason you don't want to be intimate isn't because of her.

Have you two been to counseling together? It may be helpful for you to work on communication, and also it may help her understand what you are going through. I kind of saw a light go in my husband's eyes when my therapist asked him if he would be feeling the same way and be asking so much of me if I had a heart condition.

I'm sorry that you are having to struggle with this, I know how frustrating it can be. I wish you the best of luck and hope that she will start to understand that your feelings regarding this aren't related to her but to the trauma you have suffered.

 

[LostBear325]

I am a girl Srain :) and yea, I am not very good at talking about what bothers me. I try to with her though.

<Quote removed by Amethist>

 

[sillybearmama]

Sorry LostBear325!!! I didn't look at your profile :oops:. I know it's very hard to express your emotions, I struggle with the same thing. Just keep trying and be true to yourself. Have you tried writing something to her? A lot of times I find writing it down it comes out clearer than when I try to speak.

<edited Nicolette: no need to quote entire post directly proceeding>

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the family then, too! ;)

 

[Srain]

when men don't communicate. Communication is very important.

Yikes!

Sillybearmama I hadn't realized I had done that in the first place, please forgive me, Lostbear.

 

[LostBear325]

Srain it is completely fine. no worries :)

<edited Nicolette: no need to quote entire post directly proceeding thank you>

 

[vuduciel]

Hello lost bear, maybe my story can help or maybe not, I dunno I just stumble upon ur thread as I think its similar to mine.
I date someone with PTSD for two months now. I am new to PTSD and I know I have to educate myself with it.

My bf is very open about his PTSD and also his panic disorder and we often talk about when he get it and how he get it and things that happened in his past etc. I love him and his openness makes me even love him dearly . I not yet know all about him but I feels like known him for years already.

I agree with what sillybearmama said tho that his husband feels unwanted and unloved, I used to feel this way and even now I still a little bit feeling so especially when he not react at all when I say I love him or kiss and hug him.

Not getting the same respond when I tried to get intimate with my bf makes me lonely and frustrating on the same time and when I asked him about it he said he just feels numb. What always really makes me sad most is that he doesn't let me to be with him either when I thought I should be the first person who close with him to be with him when he feel depressed etc, I imagine he is more lonely than I am..

And you know what, today is my 3rd day of leaving him alone after he told me that he need to be peace , quit and solitude for 5 days . We live at same town but different place and I try not to text him or call him or visit him but its really hard and I miss him A LOT but if he can be helped this way then what can I do. I just hope he will still remember me after 5 days hahah yay.

I just visited and read other threat saying that PTS is selfish illness and thats like AHA moment for me as its kinda answer many questions on my head and I know I cant blame my bf for that even so I wish- just a wish that my bf will try his very best effort to at least react when I try to express my romantic feeling to him and allow me to love :)

 

[amethist]

Hi

I hope you all don't mind me jumping in here, but this seems to be a worry for many sufferers and supporters just now. Causing problems sometimes that could be easily lessened with a little understanding from both sides.

Intimacy is not all a relationship is about, but does upset some relationships, if there is not understanding of how PTSD can have an impact on this side of any relationship.

Supporters could read the following thread that has just been started in the supporters area. Sufferers are welcome to add there own comments too.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/lets-talk-about-sex-and-intimacy.19315/[/DLMURL]

Amethist