mitroaeaewnr
New Here
Hm... I guess this isn't really an introduction to me... It's an introduction to my traumas. But before I begin I would like to say that I am so glad to have found this forum! I can't wait to reciprocate with others who share my condition.
Anyway, I grew up in poverty in a third-world country. I guess the stress of trying to make a living and providing for a family in such an environment was too much and so my father would frequently take it out on my mother. It started with slaps and eventually ended with the use of a kitchen knife to actually kill her. Believe it or not, this isn't the source of my PTSD. These events were common in the community that we lived in.
My grandparents couldn't afford to raise me so my grandmother allowed her infertile niece-in-law from the United States to adopt me. Long story short, growing up with my adoptive mother was hell. I was a constant reminder of her reproductive failures and she was always on the lookout for reasons to severely punish me. She would spank me with whatever item's nearest to her, she would throw things at me, she would scream and terrorize the living soul out of me, she would force me to work without pay at her business for long hours, she would sabotage my academic record so I wouldn't be able to leave the confines of her home to attend college, etc. Because of her abuse and neglect, her side of the family thought it would be fairly easy to torment me without consequences. I was verbally bullied and sexually abused by my cousins. Over time (I'm not sure how it took as long as it did but...), my adoptive parents' marriage was strained. My adoptive father became stressed out and started sexually abusing me, too. He continued for 3 years.
While all this was happening, I maintained the highest GPA in my school every year. I was social, able to maintain romantic relationships, etc. I knew these things at home were happening to me, but as soon as I stepped out of my house, I just... forget. I wasn't even trying to put up a fake smile for the outside world... I was actually happy. And the moment I stepped back into my house, I would remember. I'm pretty sure I cried every night, yet somehow was able to forget EVERYTHING when I'm outside of my home.
About two years after my adoptive father stopped sexually abusing me, I was watching a movie in my room when something in the movie triggered me. I started to be overwhelmed by everything that has happened to me, unable to believe that this has all been my life. I cried that night like I usually did, except I knew and I couldn't comprehend it. From that night on, I was in a state of confusion and shock and obsessive thinking for YEARS. Why was all the stuff happening to me while all the people I knew had normal families and lives?!
Being in this mental state negatively affected my social life, grades, and everything I had. It wasn't until last year, when I bought myself a car and started attending support groups and church, that I started to get better. My flashbacks are becoming less frequent, but less frequent means that when I do have them it is a great disappointment. I'm still under the care of my adoptive parents and I still work for them (although they pay me minimum wage now), but I also attend university full-time. I'm saving enough money to move out after college. I haven't done much to "make them pay" because they are financing my education by giving me a job. (I know I can always find another job, but I go to school full-time and I don't have enough hours in the day to work to finance both my education and my living expenses. Living with my abusers is free, unfortunately. And working at their business keeps them happy in one aspect.) I have decided to stick around just for that, but it is difficult to heal when seeing their faces gives me great internal stress.
My university grades are good, but my social skills will never be the same. Because of my PTSD, I'm oftentimes in so much mental pain that I forget how to speak. It is completely devastating to have to be required to do public speaking for my field. I hope I can get through this and be safe and highly functional soon. Here's to patience...
(Thank you so much for reading!)
Anyway, I grew up in poverty in a third-world country. I guess the stress of trying to make a living and providing for a family in such an environment was too much and so my father would frequently take it out on my mother. It started with slaps and eventually ended with the use of a kitchen knife to actually kill her. Believe it or not, this isn't the source of my PTSD. These events were common in the community that we lived in.
My grandparents couldn't afford to raise me so my grandmother allowed her infertile niece-in-law from the United States to adopt me. Long story short, growing up with my adoptive mother was hell. I was a constant reminder of her reproductive failures and she was always on the lookout for reasons to severely punish me. She would spank me with whatever item's nearest to her, she would throw things at me, she would scream and terrorize the living soul out of me, she would force me to work without pay at her business for long hours, she would sabotage my academic record so I wouldn't be able to leave the confines of her home to attend college, etc. Because of her abuse and neglect, her side of the family thought it would be fairly easy to torment me without consequences. I was verbally bullied and sexually abused by my cousins. Over time (I'm not sure how it took as long as it did but...), my adoptive parents' marriage was strained. My adoptive father became stressed out and started sexually abusing me, too. He continued for 3 years.
While all this was happening, I maintained the highest GPA in my school every year. I was social, able to maintain romantic relationships, etc. I knew these things at home were happening to me, but as soon as I stepped out of my house, I just... forget. I wasn't even trying to put up a fake smile for the outside world... I was actually happy. And the moment I stepped back into my house, I would remember. I'm pretty sure I cried every night, yet somehow was able to forget EVERYTHING when I'm outside of my home.
About two years after my adoptive father stopped sexually abusing me, I was watching a movie in my room when something in the movie triggered me. I started to be overwhelmed by everything that has happened to me, unable to believe that this has all been my life. I cried that night like I usually did, except I knew and I couldn't comprehend it. From that night on, I was in a state of confusion and shock and obsessive thinking for YEARS. Why was all the stuff happening to me while all the people I knew had normal families and lives?!
Being in this mental state negatively affected my social life, grades, and everything I had. It wasn't until last year, when I bought myself a car and started attending support groups and church, that I started to get better. My flashbacks are becoming less frequent, but less frequent means that when I do have them it is a great disappointment. I'm still under the care of my adoptive parents and I still work for them (although they pay me minimum wage now), but I also attend university full-time. I'm saving enough money to move out after college. I haven't done much to "make them pay" because they are financing my education by giving me a job. (I know I can always find another job, but I go to school full-time and I don't have enough hours in the day to work to finance both my education and my living expenses. Living with my abusers is free, unfortunately. And working at their business keeps them happy in one aspect.) I have decided to stick around just for that, but it is difficult to heal when seeing their faces gives me great internal stress.
My university grades are good, but my social skills will never be the same. Because of my PTSD, I'm oftentimes in so much mental pain that I forget how to speak. It is completely devastating to have to be required to do public speaking for my field. I hope I can get through this and be safe and highly functional soon. Here's to patience...
(Thank you so much for reading!)
