Supporter Intro - Wife Of A Combat Vet With Ptsd

[Jayme Q]

Hello all!

I'm Jayme... I've been married to my husband for 7 years now, and together for 10 (since high school). He was Active Duty Army for 3 years, with one 11-month tour in Iraq as an enlisted infantryman. Shortly after he got home from Iraq, he started struggling with anxiety attacks, insomnia, and other symptoms.

He hit a really low place, and through a long story, was eventually chaptered out with an Honorable Discharge (cited as "Other Medical - Administrative Discharge").

Since then (he's been out 5 years this month), he has been rated at 60% through the VA and regularly sees his VA primary for PTSD-related problems. He's been on meds the whole five years but still suffers from anxiety attacks and other life-affecting problems.

Just thought I'd join and have someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of. I'm his only real supporter these days and sometimes it gets hard!

 

[HM3(FMF)]

Hi Jayme, as a fellow Combat Veteran, I know all too well how difficult PTSD can be to face on a day to day basis, but I'm glad to hear your husband is receiving help not only from the VA, but that he has such a staunch supporter as you in his corner. I too have had an on-going problem with crippling anxiety attacks, and problems stemming from my PTSD interfering with everyday life, but find that having a strong support system has been crucial to getting back on track. I hope everything gets better, Carl

 

[Devoted]

I too have been with my husband for nearly 10 years (since high school), married for five. He did two deployments with the USMC to Iraq and ended active duty 2 years ago.

We've truly been dealing with PTSD since he returned from his first deployment in 2007. I used to say that he forgot to bring his sensitivity and empathy home with him from Iraq. We rarely argued before he deployed, but when he returned everything changed and he seemed so hateful.

I've been there for him since then, even when he's been mean and careless to me. He hasn't really had treatment for his PTSD, he's very anti-therapy and although he will say he has PTSD, he is also in denial at times. Recently he told me he thinks we need to go to counseling, which I was happy to hear because I've felt we needed it for a while now, but never wanted to push him into it. He said he loves me but doesn't feel "in love" with me, that our relationship is stale, he wonders what it would be like to be with another girl (we're both each others first and only).

I feel like his PTSD is the cause of most of these things he's having, and I've been trying to get him set up with the VA PTSD clinic but he won't fill out the questionnaires/paperwork needed to get enrolled in their system. He keeps saying he will, but they've sat next to him on the couch for almost 2 weeks and I don't want to nag him too much. Almost everything he says to me I can look on a PTSD website and find that it is a symptom. Feeling numb, being angry all the time, emotionally detached, nightmares, etc. I've researched PTSD but he won't. He's said that he wanted to separate but his mom told him he owes me going to therapy.

I just don't know what to do. I'm NOT going to give up on us, I've been trying to give him some space without letting him pull even farther away from me. It's just so hard because when I try to have a serious conversation about it with him, or about PTSD, he just laughs. He's reverting back to the way he was right after he came home from his first deployment. I'm lucky that there has been no yelling, cussing, or other abuse...but it's so hard loving someone and not feeling it back, but knowing that it's in there but he's blocking it out. The only things he shows love to is our animals.

I truly don't think he's felt any emotions towards a person for over 4 years. I don't think he's really been happy for anyone when something goes right, or felt bad when something horrible happens. The only feeling he has is anger. I know he'll probably never be the person he was before Iraq, and I've accepted that. I just feel so helpless and I wish he would realize that he doesn't have to feel the way he does, that he can get help and not have to be angry and numb all the time.

 

[all_akimbo]

Hi Jayme,

I'm new here too. Thanks for being a supporter. I think that has to take a lot of strength and love. I'm pretty sure it would be helpful for me to ask you how to help my supporter help me - ugh. This stupid illness is very frustrating and can cause so much grief for people on the outside of us.

One thing my 'friend' does for me is to use humor after the fact so I don't feel so bad about some of the mean things I say when I am raging. One thing I try to do is tell him when he does something that helps. I don't know if you and your husband could try to work this into your coping strategies or not, I just know it's been helpful for us.

If you haven't already I would suggest reading methods for "grounding". One thing that my 'friend' does that works very very well is to help me ground myself in the present. He does this by saying, "you are no different in this moment then you were <insert last known happy moment here>, you are dealing with a trigger, you are safe and I love you." He's done that a couple of times now and both times I calmed almost instantly.

Bless you, Jayme. I would be dead without my supporter. Much respect to you.

-aa

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Welcome to the forum...

 

[myvetswife]

I'm married to my vet for nearly 20 years now. We only found out he has Combat PTSD 4 years ago. It is a bumpy road but with a litte support there is a way.

Get your hubby to join the sister site Combat PTSD. He finds a lot of people having the same problem und can get advice there too.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

Check out the Supporter's section as there is a lot of information; but most importantly, support for those who are supporting a loved one with PTSD. You need support too!

Take care.

Debbie

 

[anthony]

Welcome to PTSD Forum.