Introduction - Childhood Sexual And Emmotional Abuse

[Complicated]

Hello everyone

I have just joined the forum so this is my first post to introduce myself.

In a nut shell I grew up in an emmotionally abusive household with a father who was an alcoholic. According to him everything that went wrong in life was always my fault and nothing I could do was ever good enough no matter how hard I tried.

When I was a child I was sexually abused (by a non family member) and I blocked the experience from my mind. About 2 years ago, more or less 2 months after my father died, I started getting flash backs of the rape. It was the most confusing and painful time of my life. I went to a therapist and did EMDR therapy and now I am busy doing reconditioning and imagery therapy.

I try to do my best everyday to create some kind of balance and peace in my life so that I can try to manage to eat and sleep, but everyday is so hard in and of itself. Lately I just feel really isolated and like nobody around me understands how difficult it is just to get through the day - so I joined the forum in the hopes that by sharing experiences and feelings with fellow PTSD sufferes I will feel slightly less like I am all alone in a world that nobody around me seems to understand.

Regards,
Complicated

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[The Albatross]

Welcome Complicated. Lots of support and info here. Good that you are practicing creating balance and peace... practice, persistence and patience lead to new behaviors. I can relate to getting suppressed memories. Hate them, but working through them, they are getting better to manage. Glad you're here.

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Complicated, I found you introductory thread really powerful. You are doing yourself a favor being in therapy and coming to this forum. Lot's of interesting articles, special section for sexually abused victimes and as Albatross wrote : Lots of support here. Will be reading your posts. Keep up the good work.

 

[Srain]

Welcome Complicated :)

I could certainly relate to the difficulties you encountered with the "reconditioning and imagery therapy", it does not come easy to me on a regular basis as well, WAY too much happening in my head and body to stay focused like average Joe or Jill. Sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now, there are plenty here that can relate.

peace,
Rain

 

[Lionheart]

Hello Complicated,

Welcome to the forum.

I too am a survivor of sexual child abuse and my father is an alcoholic, so I can relate to how difficult it can be. I have never done EMDR therapy, but I am sure you will find the support and encouragement you need here.

Wishing you the best for your healing,
LH

 

[cindirella51]

Complicated,
I am also a newby, I can relate to most of what you posted, great job of taking care of you. Welcome may we all heal here. Cinderlla51 :geek:

 

[Complicated]

Thanks for the all the words of welcome, support and understanding - its greatly appreciated!

I found this website yesterday, I was fealing really frustrated. I just got back from trying to take a vacation with a friend and it turned out to be a huge dissapointment for me. Just wanted to go away and get some rest but it back fired.

I battle to eat and to sleep so the only thing that works for me is to standardise eating and sleeping habits, I can't shift into auto holiday gear and move everything by four hours and eat and drink anything I want and go to bed whenever I want. I need two hours of quiet rest time before I climb into bed then I need about an hour in bed to convince my body and my mind that no one will attack me while I'm sleeping and that I am actually safe. If I dont eat and sleep properly the flashes become unmanagable and totally overwhelm me.

I thought that the friend understood this but it turned out after numerous grumpy, snappy comments from her side, to not be the case and I didnt want to kick up a fuse about my PTSD needs so I tried to blend in and pretend like it was all fine. That of course didnt work, ended up having a major flashback and screaming my head off while reliving every moment of my abduction and rape.

My friend panicked by my screaming tried to stop me by restraining me and by putting her hand over my mouth to stop me screaming (which is exactly what my attacker did when we grabed me and took me against my will before he raped me). So needless to stay I really lost it and ended up bitting her in an attempt to get away.

So now I am totally dissapointed and wracked with guilt that I actually physically ended up hurting a friend (one of the very few I have left) and even more so I feel abnormal and like the worlds biggest freak!

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[hazen]

You are not a freak. PTSD is incredibly difficult to deal with and you are making great progress just by being here and talking about it. If it was easy maybe they would call it Post Traumatic Stress Slight Issue.

I can sympathize with the sleep problems. I am sorry that you have this burden to bear! You are not alone.

There is plenty of support to be found in places like this. Take care, and keep posting!

 

[Complicated]

Thanks Cat Man! That is indeed what my therapist keeps telling me, PTSD is not a simple thing to deal with and that it takes alot of time, effort and hard work. I suppose its an everyday battle to try to keep moving forward and heal, its just that somedays I feel like I am moving backwards instead of forwards.

 

[jeeps for now]

I was a 'self-helper' most of my life. I stayed alone, took trips, climbed mountains, read books, took classes. Then I eventually found out that ultimate social and emotional recovery involved actually being, at least initially, in relationships that DID NOT SHAME. It's amazing how many triggering events begin as out of control shame spirals, initiated by those who do not understand or are unhappy with themselves.

I truly believe that part of the magic of this type of internet group lies in it's non-shaming attributes. Welcome !!!

 

[Srain]

I'm so sorry that was your experience Complicated :(. I can well imagine that that was both an uncomfortable and horrifying experience for you to relive and my heart truly goes out to you! I have been through a similar experience myself and can understand those type of flashbacks. It can extremely difficult for people to truly understand the PTSD Sufferer's plight and what we go through but there is healing, though our first inclination is isolate. You are not alone.

peace and healing,
Rain