MamaHopeful
Silver Member
Hi.
I don't see a forum dedicated to intrusive symptoms, so I hope it's ok that I am posting here.
I am in therapy and doing well. Baby steps, but truly healing little by little, inch by inch.
Am I still mad that it took a full 12 months since my trauma for me to find a therapist who actually treats PTSD? Yup.
But, I'm grateful I have found her.
Before we can begin to work on the trauma itself, we are working together on my belief that I went crazy. Because the symptoms of PTSD were so overwhelming, and I had no idea what was happening to me, I laid this track in my brain that said, "This is it, I've gone insane forever. I belong in a mental hospital forever."
Validation and reading about PTSD has been very helpful. When my brain says, "See? I told you! INSANE!" I pick up the literature and do my best to lay new brain tracks toward safety.
So yes, there is the trauma, but for now, I am dealing with the symptoms not terrifying me SO MUCH. The panic attacks were at first unbearable, but those have gotten better since I've read so much about what they are and why they happen. When one comes on, I no longer think I'm having a heart attack or need to call 911. The nightmares and insomnia make sense, too. Since reading more.
I suppose the last symptom that I am working on, the one that feels the most lonely (if that's the right word) are the intrusive images. Some days they are endless and repeat nonstop. They are almost never actual play-by-play recaps of the trauma, but a weird nightmare type experience but I'm awake. Like the *feelings* of the trauma become mashed up with whatever I'm doing and then I have to ground myself in the present and remind myself I'm safe.
My therapist says it's classic PTSD, (she thinks it's my way of dissociating) but I get afraid that it's something else and I'm losing my mind. I don't want the person who did this to me to also have the satisfaction of taking my sanity, too. So I just need a bit of validation that other people have this, too.
Feeling alone with this symptom has been really hard. The only people I can seem to relate to are people on OCD forums, but not really because while their intrusive terrifying thoughts are awful, the people on there are rooted in a cycle of doubt. Mine is different. It's like my brain keeps throwing up nightmares related to memories of my trauma as a way of protecting me - but it only scares me even more. But it's never EXACTLY my trauma. It's like I'll be making pottery at my wheel and suddenly see a flash of my trauma memory mixed with a scary face that I don't know mixed with a rush of terror mixed with a nightmare I once had. I hope I'm making sense.
I honestly just need a virtual hug, and someone to say, "You aren't alone. You aren't crazy. This IS normal after a trauma. I had/have it too."
I joined a support group with 4 others in it, and none of them said this happens to them. They just have nightmares, but during the day they don't have intrusive images/memories/weird sensations. And it made me really frightened. I am going to purchase the Handbook of PTSD and pray there is some validation in those pages, but in the meantime, if any of you are up to comfort me, it might help.
Thank you for being here.
I don't see a forum dedicated to intrusive symptoms, so I hope it's ok that I am posting here.
I am in therapy and doing well. Baby steps, but truly healing little by little, inch by inch.
Am I still mad that it took a full 12 months since my trauma for me to find a therapist who actually treats PTSD? Yup.
But, I'm grateful I have found her.
Before we can begin to work on the trauma itself, we are working together on my belief that I went crazy. Because the symptoms of PTSD were so overwhelming, and I had no idea what was happening to me, I laid this track in my brain that said, "This is it, I've gone insane forever. I belong in a mental hospital forever."
Validation and reading about PTSD has been very helpful. When my brain says, "See? I told you! INSANE!" I pick up the literature and do my best to lay new brain tracks toward safety.
So yes, there is the trauma, but for now, I am dealing with the symptoms not terrifying me SO MUCH. The panic attacks were at first unbearable, but those have gotten better since I've read so much about what they are and why they happen. When one comes on, I no longer think I'm having a heart attack or need to call 911. The nightmares and insomnia make sense, too. Since reading more.
I suppose the last symptom that I am working on, the one that feels the most lonely (if that's the right word) are the intrusive images. Some days they are endless and repeat nonstop. They are almost never actual play-by-play recaps of the trauma, but a weird nightmare type experience but I'm awake. Like the *feelings* of the trauma become mashed up with whatever I'm doing and then I have to ground myself in the present and remind myself I'm safe.
My therapist says it's classic PTSD, (she thinks it's my way of dissociating) but I get afraid that it's something else and I'm losing my mind. I don't want the person who did this to me to also have the satisfaction of taking my sanity, too. So I just need a bit of validation that other people have this, too.
Feeling alone with this symptom has been really hard. The only people I can seem to relate to are people on OCD forums, but not really because while their intrusive terrifying thoughts are awful, the people on there are rooted in a cycle of doubt. Mine is different. It's like my brain keeps throwing up nightmares related to memories of my trauma as a way of protecting me - but it only scares me even more. But it's never EXACTLY my trauma. It's like I'll be making pottery at my wheel and suddenly see a flash of my trauma memory mixed with a scary face that I don't know mixed with a rush of terror mixed with a nightmare I once had. I hope I'm making sense.
I honestly just need a virtual hug, and someone to say, "You aren't alone. You aren't crazy. This IS normal after a trauma. I had/have it too."
I joined a support group with 4 others in it, and none of them said this happens to them. They just have nightmares, but during the day they don't have intrusive images/memories/weird sensations. And it made me really frightened. I am going to purchase the Handbook of PTSD and pray there is some validation in those pages, but in the meantime, if any of you are up to comfort me, it might help.
Thank you for being here.
