I was about to do EMDR when one of my boss' took away a contract and my pay was unexpected cut. I couldn't afford to go 2 hours away for T anymore on very short notice. I haven't been put back on a financial footing to pursue any sort of help at all.
Still trying to build a life that will support me in healing. Not there yet. Husband hasn't found work here. Moved here in Aug.
So much stuff has come up for me naturally without doing therapy. I've had a ton of dissociated memory abbreactions. I would need EMDR as more or less a toolkit to deal with what's coming up for me all the time.
I've used meditation, creative visualization, and other tools to reframe my traumas. I have deeply processed them, looked at the memories from other angles. This helps.
What keeps coming up lately is not the assault but the way my mother isolated me after the assault to protect my father and my sister from seeing the damage he did to my face. I suppose to keep my sister from knowing or talking about the assault.
When there are facial fractures, people will KNOW who did this and there will be no excuses.
I'm sickened by the sort of codependency of my mother, her addiction to a sick man, my father, and being swept under the rug, almost literally being hidden in a basement until the injuries were no longer noticeable. Being kept from school.
This is all abuse territory. I don't know why this particular issue, being kept and almost "pampered" in the basement is so upsetting.
I guess there was the fact that by kindergarten I walked over two miles to and from school and came home and made my own PBJ sandwich every day. I rarely saw my mom.
So when my dad raped me and battered my face, breaking my nose and maybe a black eye, I was suddenly given a PBJ on a plate. But then kept alone for over a week in total isolation and sensory deprivation, drifting in and out of dissociation in a basement.
I think it reminds me of the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping. How the wife helped keep her in the basement. I just haven't reached the level of processing my trauma to where even though Mom had tried to drown my sister and I, that she did this kind of thing.
My issue is that I have tons of buried, dissociated traumas that have for the last 5 years continued to surface such that a whole other side of my parents is now clear that I SPLIT them in two: Good/Bad to such a severe degree and only held consciously onto the good to the extent that I edited out most of my life.
I was imprisoned. Not being allowed upstairs after the abuse. I was being punished for being raped and beaten by my dad. It just wasn't fair.
