Invalidating My Own Experiences

[Sally sue]

So, I have been consumed thinking about not having any appt with my T for 2 weeks (one of which she's on vacation), coming on the heels of our last appt where she was a little grumpy. She explained this, that it wasn't about me, but it still triggers my abandonment issues :( and then we have 2 weeks off argh!

Everyday I'm thinking/wondering if she'll call and squeeze me in, but nothing so far, so I realize I have been working it in my mind as I did as a child, "she doesn't care! It's just her job! There's nothing wrong with you! Other people have bigger problems than you! You should be ashamed! Etc" but now I feel disconnected from everything and everyone, going through life without meaning...does anyone understand this?

I feel like I've shut off all my emotions so it doesn't hurt, and I keep thinking I should just embrace my real emotions and sit with them BUT I don't know how!! Is no emotions better than emotions out if control?

Sigh:meh:. Thanks for you input!

Sally Sue

 

[Jane.l]

I do understand and I do behave in exactly the way you describe when my T goes away or if he doesn't behave how I expect him to.

I go into hedgehog mode - very defensive , very cut off . I avoid in a big way but still find that those horrible feeling of abandonment get through.

Can you contact your T and tell her how you are feeling ? Maybe send an email ? I know whenever I have any issues with my T the best thing to do is to let him know ASAP and then he can make some sense of it before it eats away at me .

Take care

 

[I am .....]

Sally Sue I understand how you're feeling. I am currently in the same situation. I feel like I'm being childish but I can't help the way I feel. My feelings from the past get mixed with the feeling from the present and I end up even more confused. I agree with Jane.I the best thing to do is contact your T via phone, text or Email and let her know exactly how you're feeling. If she is on vacation don't feel disheartened if she doesn't reply or answer straight away. I know waiting is the worst part for me because then my mind wanders and I start to think and feel like my T doesn't care, but she will get back to you as soon as she can. Hope this helps! Good Luck :)

 

[Sally sue]

Dear Jane.I and I AM (I wish I knew how to tag your names, but I haven't figured that out :(),

Thank you so much for your feedback! I want so much to email my T, but I'm locked in fear, and I feel like a big stupid baby :(.

How do I get past the fear of her thinking I'm no good and selfish? (She's in her office this week).

Argh! It's sooo hard and scary being dependent on someone else, my T.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Oh my goodness, I can so relate! My T is on vacation and so I miss 3 sessions. I'm embarrassed to admit my reliance on my regular therapy times.

I like everyone's ideas of contacting her and talking to her about how you're feeling. It is difficult but it might help set your mind at ease. You might even just show her this thread and what you wrote.

In regards to worrying about what she thinks or how she reacts...you have no control over what she thinks about you or how she feels. But in most cases what we fear will happen doesn't actually happen and turns out better than we expect. I am sure that's what will happen in your case. :)

Hang in there!

 

[cherryblossom]

(I wish I knew how to tag your names, but I haven't figured that out :()

Just use the '@' symbol then type the name of the member you want to tag. I don't want to take the thread off topic, so if you need further help, just ask at the [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/forums/help-desk.28/"]help desk[/DLMURL].

 

[Jane.l]

If you don't email her the chances are this will just grow bigger and you may find that it becomes incredibly difficult to manage these feelings. Also you will begin to resent your T for not 'caring ' when she doesn't even know you are feeling abandoned .

My T always says to me don't suffer in silence - tell me .

The great thing about email is that she can get back to you in her own time it's not like you are battering her door down .

I understand its difficult to admit how vulnerable and childish you feel - I really really do - but I have been through this quite a few times now and it hurts like hell and the only way to stop the hurt is to get it out there and get the reassurance you need .

 

[Sally sue]

@Jane.l wow! You really do get it, which is completely horrible and nice to know I'm not alone. Why is it like this? I wish my body and soul could understand why I feel this way...

Thank you all for all your support :hug:!

 

[Jane.l]

You are welcome

 

[It's all my fault]

I'm impressed at your ability to step back and realize you may be over thinking this! That is such wonderful progress! For me, this is just beginning as usually I would have gone from "she can see me cause she's away" to "she wishes I were dead cause I s"**** so much!". Lol. So, good job for you. I would call her and let her know how you are feeling and that since she wants you to be honest with her, this was your way of staying honest without blowing things out of control. Good luck!

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think there's anything so strange about it, if you recognize how you feel. You're doing better, that's good. You've done nothing wrong, that's hard to get used to (the feeling). I would not e-mail (personally) if they are not the type to get back to you, if anything the more time away the more removed I'd become, but if they are and you'd feel better to clarify things that's good too.

Maybe it's not sitting so much with the emotions as deciding what to do afterwards. You're doing fine, you are trying to think in positive ways, and ask. :hug:

 

[NovemberStar]

Having such strong feelings towards our Ts and feeling scared or 'reliant' or 'needy' is pretty normal and most Ts are aware of it - long before we are most of the time! A T that is very good at their job won't just suspect you will feel that way, they will actually EXPECT it, at varying levels.

The most important thing you can do, is find a way to bring it up with her. It can be incredibly difficult to do. I have avoided the issue like the plague for 20 years with all my Ts, if they tried to talk about anything to do with our 'working relationship' I would shut down, dissociate and never ever talk about it, EVER. for me, it caused me too much distress and extreme vulnerability. I used to become very suicidal and it hurt so much, but I am now finally in a place where I can a) admit it to myself that I have any feelings about my T; b) put it into words, c) contemplate talking to her about it. I posted a thread recently about this 'working on the courage to work on transference'. This Friday I will be talking to her about it, begin to.

As I said, it is a very normal thing, to have intense emotions and reactions to our Ts. Sometimes its hate, anger, or jealously (namely of your Ts partner or family members or children); or feelings of warmth, wanting them to be your 'mum' or 'dad', to love, lust, sexual feelings, the whole works! And sometimes, even acknowledging we have those feelings is incredibly hard as they can bring with them a lot of shame.

But just know its NORMAL ;) And its rare that the feelings we are feeling towards them, really are towards them.

Example being - if 'you' (as in any of us, not you!) started feeling you were 'in love' with your T, and / or had sexual feelings or fantasies towards them, it's not truly that you would act on this, or even actually be 'in' love with your T.

If you google this, you will find a lot of info on it.

(Not saying you are in love with your T, or have those feelings, but if you / anyone else reading this has / does, it is very very normal and your T would not be surprised or hate your or fear you for it. If you google 'erotic transference', it will come up with info on this - even if you don't have feelings of love or lust, I find it explains the term 'transference' and feelings we have for our Ts in a very reassuring way ;) )

Hope that helps!

(And DO talk to your T 0- email her - ignoring it will leave it to fester, and make it so much harder for you emotionally).